Single mothers can you help me out? Long one...?

Im in your boat, sister. Except my case is a little more extreme than yours.

Here is my opinion. And no offense to anybody but you are not in our shoes.

Some men are great dads, some aren't. So don't try to save what's not there. If he wants to be in her life GREAT if not..don't force it. Just make sure you are a even better mother AND FATHER to your little girl. She is young right now, she doesn't even notice or care. Who care's about something they don't see??

In psychology, it's proven that a child has a higher self esteem if they have never known there father. Then when the child knows there father, and knows that they are just a dead beat...Which makes plenty of sense. Obviously, they have an higher self esteem when both mom and dad are in the household..but we have to make due.

What I am eventually going to do is move to another state or city. And then request child support (I am going back to school to get my masters and need additional income). He will not be able to get visitation because my son is so young. And his dad was physically abusive so I doubt he will be able to get anything besides supervised visitation, which will be pretty hard if we don't live ANYWHERE near him.

Yes, He can take you to court. He would need the babys name and DOB to do so. But I doubt he will..because of child support, and he would have to arrange visitation. Which if you will have full custody, and can opt for him to have supervised visitation. If he isn't a part of her life now, and there are no orders..then I doubt he will be later..with orders.

Don't worry about him not being a good dad...Im sure in about 5 years..You will find a REALLY great guy. The one who was originally meant for you. That guy will sweep you and your daughter off your feet, and be a great role model for her.

Im telling you what I tell myself everyday. It's not easy being a single mother. But it's worth it. You have to do what's best for your baby.

Honestly, I feel like since my son doesn't have a dad. We are super close. He loves his mommy very very much. You can tell. We play cars, trucks and monsters all day. He will be all boy. Because I will make him one. Alot of the most successful people never had a father in their lives..but had a loving mother.

Another piece of advice is to pray...and don't worry about it anymore. Put it in God's hands. Don't worry until you have to.

I believe it is because people are largely judgmental buffoons who have never been in or personally known a person in the situation and base their opinions off stereotypes. My best friend is a single mother; it happened pretty much exactly like you suggested. She dated a guy for over two years, then they became engaged. About 6 months into the engagement, she found out about some health problems that could keep her from getting pregnant in the future. Since they were already engaged and planning a wedding, they decided to go ahead and have a child while she still could. When that child was 5 months old, her fiancé left her - out of the blue - for another woman that he worked with. He literally left her a love note on the counter that morning, came home that afternoon and said he was leaving because he didn't love her anymore, after 4 years of being together. I am sure there are some single mothers who made a string of bad choices and it really IS mostly their fault, but to assume all single mothers are like this is just as ignorant as assuming all people of a certain race or nationality share the same characteristics. ETA: It is also ignorant to assume it is the woman's fault because she didn't get married; you are correct that around half of marriages end in divorce anyway and it is a MAN-MADE institution, which is why it exists even in countries that don't worship the same God that is in the bible. A marriage certificate shouldn't and/or doesn't change the amount of commitment people share, it's either there or it isn't.

Oh that's a tough one. You need to look deeply into your heart and decide what's best based on what you know of him and your daughter. However, my thoughts are as follows:

You might try talking to a child counselor and get some perspective on how kids generally handle this type of situation, their self-esteem and how they "turn out" so to speak. That will give you a foundation for your final decision. Personally, I think children feel there is something "wrong" with them if the father never comes around and doesn't seem to care. That can also happen if you ditch the guy and keep him out of her life. So, it's really a tricky spot.

You don't say how old the child is but seeing how she has no idea who he is, I think it's safe to let go of him and just tell your daughter that your family doesn't include a father. When she's old enough, you can explain that he wasn't mature enough to handle fatherhood when she was born and answer her questions about him. I wouldn't say anything much negative about him - I'm sure she'll figure that out on her own should she meet him down the road.

Remember though that unless he forfeits his parental rights, he can always come back to haunt you and demand visitation, co-custody, etc. You might do well with some advice from a lawyer as well.

Good luck. I'm sure you'll come out with the best solution for you and your daughter.

Icky, given his behavior, he probably will be more of a negative influence than positive in her life. I've seen how wrong it is for a parent to come bouncing in and out of a child's life via my stepson and his father(my ex) It's a bad situation. Children need stability, and it doesn't sound like he's stable.

It sounds like you know what the best plan is for your daughter, so if you need validation, you got it.

sounds like you've done your part - he needs to step up and getting a tattoo doesnt count for much. cut him loose. and if HE tries to have a relationship with her, set the boundaries - child support, reliability, etc.

when your daughter is older tell her the truth and she can decide if she wants to seek him out, if he still hasn't stepped up

being that youre a single mom, i'd say you have to look out for you because you are all your daughter has, and if that means having him gone from your life, then so be it.

good luck.

It will cause her more pain in the long run to have him constantly in and out of her life. I would leave it alone, unless he makes a real effort to be in her life. A child needs consistancy.

I would just cut him loose all together, your daughter deserves better than to have someone walk in and out of her life like that. From your question he isn't responsible anyway.

I'm with Johnny's mom. Mine is the same way. I give him the opportunity, but I also keep track of everything he does and doesn't do. What kind of parent goes 2 months without even calling to check on their child? NO PARENT.

This sounds SOOOOO familiar.

My son is 14 months old. He's seen him once in the past 7 months. Talked right before Christmas, he wanted to see him and have me bring him over to his family's house... I finally agreed to it and told him to call me Christmas Eve/Christmas.... And I still haven't heard from him yet! What a loser.

But you know what? As much as I don't want to - if he calls and wants to see his son, I'll let him see him _on my terms_. The visitation order from court now says that visitation is completely up to me. Until he starts being a regular fixture in his sons life, I'm only going to allow him to see him at my house with me there. I keep an updated calendar/journal of every phone call, every visit, every court date. When my son is old enough and wants to know what happened, I'm going to let him see my journals and calendars.

It's a hard decision to make. I want to be able to make sure my son understands that I have given his dad every opportunity to be a father to him. I don't want him to think that I tried to keep him away from his dad.

girl throw he *** away far. if he could put a woman infront your daughter well his daughter then he was never a good man. my promblem is similair just my childfather comes more often because he hears about me getting married to my new fiance and it is killing him. he has a life with sum1 else but he is all of a sudden on me cuz he is sure that i have move on. he shows up by me anytime n he blame the child as the reason, but everytime he come he is bad mouthin my fiance he jus tryin to be on my good side but i dont care bout him or anything i am happy with my new boyfriend, he is a better father figure than my baby actual dad. ppl may say that u r unreasonable n unfair to jus cut him out ur daughter's life but if he fails to be a man towards you then wat good of a father will he be to your daughter. another man will replace him just fine just be careful who u trust wit ur heart. well now u lives for your daughter so wat ever decision u make, u choose it in the best interest of your child. talk to him your child father first before you choose to make your decision n i know u propabably done it a milli times but do it again cuz this time u r doin wat is best for your child, and if u c no change FORGET HIS *** PLZ. HE NOT SUPPORTIN YOUR CHILD DONT EVEN CARRY HIS NAME , THE CHILD DONT NEED DAT **** RIGHT NOW. i was doin it by myself for like sum months i remember praayin , cryin but the lord answered my prayers n sent the bestest most handsome man, caring lovin n supportive man n the world, i couldnt have asked more n my mom my son loves him n my family. so just pray for strenght, strenght n strenght. n find comfort n the lord it is hard to do wen u r hurt but prays have help me overcome n accomplish n i encourage u to jus pray. take care darlin