Spiritually speaking, when in the presence of elder family members, how do you maintain...?

Death, I absolutely agree with the point you are making --that you are a responsible adult who has been entrusted by this child's mother to do what is in her best interests.

So, my best advice to you is to show the buttinsky exactly what you have written here. You said it best when you added, "If she disagrees with me, fine. However, the mother trusted me to care for her child, and I will do so how I choose with respect to the mother's wishes."

Point out that any disagreement will be overridden by you, as the child's mother has given you final authority. Stand firm on this matter and don't give in.

I've been in similar situations, and I understand the difficulty here. Good luck to you on what is never an easy situation to be in.

EDIT: If you give in -- even once -- to this family elder, you will lose credibility with this young child. You will also lose credibility with this particular adult, and it appears as if respect (or the lack of) is already an issue. It's vitally important to both you and this child that you stand firm, and not let frustration win.

Her mother obviously sees you as someone who would be a good role model for her daughter. Be one. Take this other person aside, lay the cards on the table and tell it like it is.

Family or not, people gossip about the problems of others in an attempt to make themselves feel better about their own shortcomings and insecurities. What they're really saying between the lines when they gossip is "So and so's divorce is terrible, isn't it? Good thing we don't have problems that bad. I guess that makes us better people, doesn't it?" People who gossip like this will not stop. Their pathetic need to constantly validate that their own lives are not so bad, will always over-rule any class and common decency. Suffice to say, once you have identified a gossiper, never share anything personal with them ever again.

I try to remind myself that most people usually try to do a good job at whatever they are doing at the moment with the skills they have - and that sometimes they have been shortchanged in the ability department. Empathy, reason, being capable of understanding relationships, turning the 'alpha' thing off for a minute - I'm not certain what the particular one is in this situation but you probably know. Sometimes it is a hard sell to myself though.

I have never really understood why it is important to some people to voluntarily tell me I am wrong - especially when I am fairly certain I am not. I usually remind them of that in such situations. Sometimes with less kindness, patience, and wisdom than I would wish I remind them that wisdom is not age dependent, there can be more than one correct answer, and what is best is as individual as the person who has the opinion about it in the first place.

I have grandchildren and they have been the absolute hardest things for me to figure out my best role in raising to date. My own, nieces and nephews, even the neighbor's kids were a breeze comparatively. I care deeply about everyone involved and it is very hard to keep my yap shut and my hands in my pockets when I disagree about even the little things. I know I have to trust those involved to make wise decisions - or to make their own mistakes and learn from them. If it is hard for me it has to be for them as well because I am honestly trying my best when I fail at the patience and wisdom thing. I would reccommend you be assertive when you think it important and try to temper it with kindness and those two other things in short supply.

I would send them to you myself IF I had any I could spare. I always tempted to sneak a Death(tm) pun in when I answer one of your questions but I'll try to exert a little P&W there too. :)

(((((Death)))))

I think you're doing wonderfully vis-a-vis this child, and she is very fortunate to have you in her life. The mother has clearly shown her support and approval of your efforts to parent the child in her absence, so the elder should simply butt the hell out.

Of course, that's not how family dynamics work. This elder woman obviously has issues of emotional wounding, baggage from her own childhood or upbringing, feelings of failure with her children (when she was a parent), etc. Her behavior reflects the lashing out that children will engage in when they don't get what they want. Some people never develop the capacity for emotional maturity, and that seems to be the case here.

I advise you to sit down with the mother and talk through this, asking if she truly does support you. Once that's confirmed, ask her to approach her mother on your behalf and clarify that she is the child's mother and that she has entrusted you with her care.

The elder will likely retaliate with defensive comments, attacks on the mother's ability to parent, and attacks on your being fit to parent. Ignore this temper tantrum.

You and the mother should also sit down with the child and ask her what she thinks of her grandmother's behavior. You'll probably be surprised, pleasantly, at how well she can identify bad behavior and at how much she appreciates you and her mother's reasoned and loving approach.

It's sad that the older woman has to be so bitter around her granddaughter.

It sounds like to me the elder family member may think she is helping. I guess my best advice would be to politely tell this person, when she butts in, thank you for the "advice" but I am handling the situation. Good luck.

Yikes! Sounds like my mom! Always trying to over ride my parenting with my own son. It sounds to me like you handled the "situation" appropriately.

In the situation you described above, get her alone and have it out with her! I would look her in the eye and firmly state exactly what you told the child and possibly state befor hand that you have handled the situation and would appreciate that she not interrupt. If she gets uppity then simply tell her you don't care how many children she has raised that doesn't say anything about her parenting skills. Tell her you will always welcome her advice however to interrupt when you are trying to handle a situation only undermines your authority in the child's eyes and is disrespectful to you. Remind her how she may feel if someone told her how to raise her children and find a more appropriate place and time for her advice.

Tell her exactly how you feel in a firm voice, her age and being the elder of the family doesn't make her immune to good old fashioned "girl chat". At the very least she will walk away with a new respect for you because you stuck up for yourself by showing intelligence and consideration for her feelings.

I wish you luck, and I will tell you that I had that conversation with my own mom and she let go of the reins a considerable amount. She will also save her criticisms and "advice" until the child is out of earshot.

At which time we can "discuss" an issue. ; )

Tell the older family member that children often respond better to and look up to older but closer people. Think back to when you were in elementary school. Wasn't it cooler to have a high schooler or a college kid talk to you that someone's grandma? The child relates to you better.

Tell the older family member that while you respect her wisdom, the child seems to have taken a liking to you.

kids emulate the ones they respect. don't worry about it.

Ok i got bored after the first two paragraphs, but my suggestion is if the mother is on your side in this. Then the first thing to do is bring the "elder family member" aside and explain what is happening. If that does not work then you need to get the mother involved and stand your ground. If you are an adult then you have ever much a right as any of the elders to be treated as an adult with the authority of an adult. DO NOT BACK DOWN stand your ground. Most people will avoid a confrontation is possible.

I think the child probably thinks the one who butts in a pain in the neck...... but is, like you- being respectful.

There isn't much you can do! But you can always just refer back to "you must do what YOUR mother says"..... and stick by the mom, against the elder. Cause Mom's word is law!

Families- can be such a blessing and a pain in the butt all at the same time!