i dont want to die, but i cant keep living like this..?

Well without talking to you or hearing all your problems I can see your in pretty bad shape. I've been in and out of serious depression since I was 16. I had a major gambling problem most of my twenties which lead me to being a border line alcoholic as well. The main thing I can tell you is to read a book I did called the alcoholism and addiction cure. It gives a lot of good information but one of the main things it talks about is how our mind and body become one. When you say you feel your unconscious while awake I totally understand. The book kind of explains how are body begins to crave depression. Even though your mind is struggling to get rid of bad thoughts your body is fighting the change you are trying to make back to a normal lifestyle. Believe it or not your body and mind becomes used to the pain of cutting yourself and actually desires it. Anyway, just try reading some good books like the one I described and make a small change in your life everyday. Good luck

you need medications to help you calm down so you can think more clear. Talk to your doctor tomorrow. Maybe you need to go inpatient for a while. Get into group therapy or some other activity where you are with other people and stop spending so much time alone. If you are unhappy being around your family, then stay away from them. Surround yourself with people who you can tolerate better. You need to make friends with people who are in your same situation so you can help each other. Cut your fingernails short so you cant pick at your sores. Keep bandaids on the spots that are bleeding because they will get infected. Even if you have 100 bandaids on you, its better then getting an infection.

And take care. People do care, even if you think they dont. Someone always cares.

Some things to ponder : ~ Do you sleep at regular hours ? Between 10pm and 7am ? Not sleeping at night, the time when feel good hormones are being made can make you feel flat ~ Do you eat good quality protein, beef is the best source. Protein is needed to make the hormones dopamine and serotonin, which you would be low in. ~ Is there someone you need to forgive for something, it could even be yourself ? ~ Do you exercise at all - getting your blood pumping around smoothly helps to get your mind focused on what you are actually doing at the time and to feel good about yourself ~ Helping someone else is a sure way to help you feel better - is there an elderly relative of yours who needs some shopping done or a cupboard cleaned out ? Do your parents want the garage swept ? ~ If you use marijuana this would be the reason you feel down, same goes for amphetamines

I'm sorry that your life has taken this turn and that you are feeling so alone and depressed. You mentioned that you have visited a mental hospital before, how long ago was this and did it help? Did you have the same experiences before visiting this hospital or have they changed?

If you don't mind me asking, do you believe in a specific religion? If not, have you ever considered it?

Yeah I read the Bell Jar too when I am depressed. You should check yourself into a mental hospital and just hang out until you feel better.

See a doctor. Get on an anti-depressant. No one should have to feel that way. There are people in the world who can help you and care about you. I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. I hope you try to seek help.

At least go see a psychiatrist - with the right meds, you can feel a lot better (without necessarily being hospitalized); don't do this to yourself - it's nothing you can control (no mind over matter)

u know what u should do?...u should send everybody to hell and start a new life...just u, and start making friends...just say hi to anybody and make friends...take a loan and finish you professional goal and pay afterward...if some thought is trying to make you sad...SEND IT TO HELL...and just tell your self "i am valuable to the world" "i am an individual and there is no one like me" "because i am important" and believe that you are better than anyone..just cut all the crap and start a new life...and forget if ur parents aren't what u wanted them to be...they are just like any other individual, and u are another, but u have different goals and if they don't care it doesn't matter because u are the one going forward...

i hope this helped u...

and don't forget u are unique and u have all the power inside u to make things better..u just have to find it

I know it looks dark right now because that is the illness affecting your perception of things. You may not believe it right now but things can get better. Hang in there.

You are sick of living in a police state where you have no power. You should fly to a country like Bolivia where there is more freedom and the cost of living is low.