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who wants to read the third part of my story?
it got cut off here:
__________________________
That means that if we move, we will have to move in with your Aunt Sue.” I stared at her in shock. A forclosure? That couldn’t be true. I hadn’t spent any money this month, so how could we have run out? Plus, she said we would have had to move again. I finally realized that my mouth was hanging open, so I shut it quickly. “Honey, don’t worry so much, I said ‘if’ I don’t get enough money this month. That won’t mean that I won’t, it just means that I might not.”
I began cutting the lettace again, still shocked at the idea of moving, again. When I had moved here, it had been my second move. And I didn’t want to do another one all over again, or go to a new school and not fit in, again. I finished chopping the lettace and began throwing the salad together. I couldn’t blame my mother for not getting paid enough because I know that in the past, she did ask for a few raises. Of course, the drug store didn’t do that. I sighed and my mother looked at me. Her eyes were full of hurt now. She looked as if she knew that she let me down.
I set the table and we ate in silence. We never spoke a word to each other. I know that I didn’t fit in well here, but I honestly didn’t mind it here. I didn’t like the school much, but that didn’t really matter. What mattered right now, was that my mother needed help. I would have to ask my Aunt Sue for some help. My mother wouldn’t approve and I know that I didn’t, but I just couldn’t face the thought of moving again. Sometimes that pain got so bad that I would be completely numb and empty inside.
I finished dinner first, putting my dishes into the sink and going straight up stairs. I know that she would be mad at me for not doing the dishes, but I don’t think that she cared right now. I tripped going up the stairs and my knee hit the next wooden stair hard. I pressed my teeth together to ignore that pain that was surging through my leg. I looked down to see what I tripped over and was caught off guard.
By my foot was necklace. It was small so I felt embaressed for falling over it. I grabbed the necklace, examining it. It was a thin, pure silver chain. At the end of the chain, there was a single gem but what I didn’t understand was the color of it. It changed colors as I rotated it in the light. It was almost like I was staring at a rainbow in the palm of my hand. The back of the gem was pure silver as well. I didn’t think that it was my mother’s because I knew that she didn’t wear necklaces. It wasn’t mine either and since no one ever came over to the house, I didn’t know how it ended up here.
I got up from my sitting position and made my way up the stairs, making sure that I wasn’t going to trip over something again. I turned right at the top of the stairs and walked into the door at the end of the small space. I sat down on my bed, the necklace still sitting in the palm of my hand. I looked at the plain white walls of my room and sighed. Life here was so uneventful. I needed something amazing to happen to me. I got up from my bed and changed quickly into some pajamas. I wasn’t tired but I didn’t feel comfortable in my jeans. I changed into my favorite pajama bottoms and a matching tank top. I pulled up my long dark hair and put it up in a messy bun. I layed down on my bed again, the necklace still in my hand. I hadn’t notice that I was still holding it until I opened my hand and it fell onto the bed. As soon as I dropped it, an electric shock ran through me, causing me to fall to the hard wood floor. I clung to myself, trying to hold myself together. The pain continued to run through my body, fire spreading throughout my veins. I screamed, the pain too much to bare. I slowly felt myself falling into the darkness. I let myself go, knowing if I let the darkness take me, the pain would stop.
3 Answers
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
Hello-
SPELL CHECK:
forclosure--> foreclosure
lettace--> lettuce
embaressed--> embarrassed
I layed--> I lay
I layed down on my bed again, the necklace still in my hand. (This is a fragment)--> The necklace was still in my hand as I lay upon the bed again.
bare--> bear
What mattered now, --> What mattered now [no comma]
In all honesty, I just skimmed the story. Here are the errors I came across:
You repeat the word 'again' too often. It's okay once in a while, but here are some synonyms:
once more, another time, yet again, over, over again, all over again, for a second time.
I don't like the sentence "...But I didn't understand the color of it."
Understand is used improperly. Try this:
At the end of the chain, there was a single gem but what I didn’t understand was the color of it. It changed colors as I rotated it in the light --> The single gem at the end of the chain wasn't just one color, but several. As I rotated it in my palm, it changed colors in the light.
It's all about the positioning, my friend [:
"As soon as I dropped it, an electric shock ran through me, causing me to fall to the hard wood floor. I clung to myself, trying to hold myself together. The pain continued to run through my body, fire spreading throughout my veins. I screamed, the pain too much to bare. I slowly felt myself falling into the darkness. I let myself go, knowing if I let the darkness take me, the pain would stop."
You don't need to TELL the reader what's happening, you must SHOW the reader what is happening. Try something like this:
Electricity enveloped my veins. I didn't even notice when my knees fell to the carpet with a cringing 'crack'. A fire from the pit of hell was overcoming me. I gritted my teeth as my soul tried to flush out the virus. Hades was trying to become me. Eventually, I came to this conclusion: Once I let it have it's way is the same minute I'll become myself again. As I didn't rebel against the flames, I hoped the pain would stop.
GOOD LUCK !
Source(s): fellow aspiring teen author. (I'm assuming you're a teenager from your style of writing) - Anonymous1 decade ago
i loved it. i usually don't like reading things like this but i loved this one.
try using larger words. also, the sentence "it was small so I felt embarrassed for falling over it." change it to "it was so small i felt embarrassed for falling over it."
i don't know if it was a typo but if it isn't i think it sounds better the second what.
- 1 decade ago
Can you answer my question?
There are writing-help sites on the link below, and i think you're looking for constructive criticsm, peer opinion, outsider's input, etc.