What would be the appropriate sunscreen number for a trip to the Amazon rain forest?

Question

As many of you know, I have been in the building supply industry for some time. The past several years primarily dealing with exotic hardwoods such as mahogany and teak. This wood would ( ha -wood would ) be used for doors, windows, libraries and patios for some of the most expensive homes in Connecticut. 
  After watching the 1992 animated cartoon " Ferngully- The Last Rainforest" with my children, they turned to look at me, and with tearful eyes said, " Father, do you cut down trees in the rainforest?"
 I had to lie, and say no. But they know, children always do.

  It was then I had an epiphany.  My life would mean nothing if I kept on going on like this. After careful mathematical calculations, I personally am responsible for 11.65 acres of devastated forest. This must come to an end.
  After months of planning, I have arranged to travel to Brazil, Peru, and Ecuador to replant small mahogany tree saplings. It will be dangerous and demanding work,  with death always just one step away.

 I tried to convince my wife* to stay here, back in the States, but she insisted on traveling with me. Plus, with the Mexican border war going on, she really does not feel safe here alone.
   She has turned into the brains of the operation.  Not only has she found government grant money to fund my trip, she has also been granted funding for her own personal research. She has been on a quest for the 'Green Butt' monkey. For years she has researched the possible ways of obtaining these animals for her collection.  She convinced the government that mating habits of these animals must be observed and recorded in the event the species is in danger of becoming extinct.  All she has to provide is video footage of their habitat, and several sperm samples from the animals to check the DNA patterns. How she plans to do that is up to her. She is the " Scientist "

  Her ability to retain funding is second to none. Even with this economic crisis, she managed to secure thousands of dollars for supplies, a Range Rover ( test drives!!!), small automatic weapons, unlimited credit at Cabela's, Bass Pro Shops, and Frederick's of Hollywood.  (You should really look your best when you travel. Plus the camo thongs!! Awesome.)

 But it does not stop there. To avoid commercial airports and customs, she has arranged for a naval insertion.  The giggles when she told me that we would be on a boat with close to 300 seamen, and a naval insertion, still gives me goosebumps.

 We will also search out a childhood dream of mine. I read about an Amazon woman warrior tribe called " Do uwuana eetmie " . These warriors are mythical and legendary. Only 2 known explorers have seen these woman. One in the 70's who wrote a story for 'National Geographic' and one other , who told his story in 'Penthouse Forum' in the mid 90's.  I feel with Courtney by my side, we will gain the trust of these woman, and for once be able to tell their story.  These woman only use men for manual labor and breeding. I believe the custom is for the tribe leaders to "trade" men at first meeting. Thus CMP, as  our tribe leader, would be able to insert herself into the tribal customs.

 That should be exciting. I'm assuming CMP will be able to teach them the joys of artificial stimulation, condoms, and other sensual woman secrets.  They may never let her leave. 

  Good news is that we will have laptops and access to government satellite feeds. We will check in as often as possible.  Hopefully, we will succeed with every part of the journey. I guess an added bonus would be finding some turquoise shelled turtle that she would like to make jewerly from, and I guess the meat is some sexual stimulant. Maybe we will come across those as well.

 Well my friends, sorry to carry on so long.  I know I will miss all of you a great deal.  
  Oh yeah, the sunscreen.  30-45- or 50 ?  And do you think we will need some OFF bug repellant?

 Thanks

Leftfoot · Accepted Answer

Ted, this is a great pioneering adventure you're embarking on with your lovely wife.
I think I speak for everyone when I say - "bring us back some duty frees".
The contribution you and CMP are about to make to the sum total of human knowledge is inestimable. The civilised world knows practically nothing of the existence of the Green Butt Monkey (aside from what Courtney's already told us, of course) so the funding your wife has managed to secure will be well spent, I know. As for your own area of research into that elusive matriarchal tribe the Juwanna-eatmis (latin spelling) - well, no fiscal payment could be reward enough for the sacrifice you are about to make, Ted. Thankfully I sense that for you the very act of  researching is somehow reward enough in itself. Stout fellow!
The pair of you will be sorely missed. In my own native Britain MPs (or members of parliament) are not too popular with the ordinary folks. You two MPs, however, have captured all our hearts.
Go with God!
Re the sun factor - make yourselves hooded, full bodied leaf jump suits and wear them continuously throughout your travails.
Good luck, Ted!

Maggie&#39;s HeyBabe · Answer

You're a good man Ted. You will be an even bigger hero to the kids. CMP is a perfect travel companion too. She's a clear thinking, resourceful lady who can handle a weapon. I couldn't think of a better choice under the circumstances

My suggestion is SPF 45 and bring the OFF. To say we're going to miss you would a gross understatement of the facts. So I'll wish you and Courtney well, and look forward to the coming home party for the two of you. Best of luck

Jard · Answer

sunscreen number trip amazon rain forest

Anonymous · Answer

Wow, this is very sad news indeed my friend. But keeping things strictly business like as we have done with our business ventures in the past I will come directly to the point of answering your question.

As far as the sunblock is concerned you will most definitely need factor 200 but you should be much more concerned with getting bitten by the Umbagwamumba beetle. Bites from these little devils are lethal and will kill you for sure within 50 or 60 yrs. I have known dozens of people who have visited the Amazon and have all died within 40 yrs of returning.

Do take care, mate and keep in touch - YOU OWE ME A BEER STILL !!

Anonymous · Answer

I am much more concerned by the killer insects than I am of the sun... but then I plan to spend most of my days sitting in a tree hunting monkeys while Teddy plays Johnny Apple Seed... SPF 30 for those commonly exposed parts and 50 for the times when we dress like locals.  Cases of bug spray are a huge fat check.

Don't cry our friends, though we have no idea when nor have we booked our return we are certain that at least one of both of us will make it out of the jungle... You will be missed, but saving rain-forests, hunting wild game, eating rare turtles and swimming under waterfalls is much too alluring to resist.  We love you and will miss you and will check in... 

All care packets can be sent to the A.S.S. corporate headquarters and they will be forwarded over to us... 

I am also thinking of starting my book it will be entitled "The World's Best Weed - a world wide marijuana travel guide where to go, what to smoke and how to get hooked up"... think of it as a reuters for the dope smoker.... 

Who is throwing the going away party?

Anonymous · Answer

I am too saddened by this news but if you must go then i guess you must. my recomendation is 45 and skin so soft......

Mags can you pass me a tissue?!!!

Here are some glow in the dark condoms for educational purposes of course.  And a photo album of all your friends here. So you remember us or throw darts at which ever.  Oh and just incase some Imodium and bottled water and my favorite bottle of tequila you just never know what you may need to trade for or just get really waisted!
smooches*

Anonymous · Answer

Mossie net and loads of lemons stuffed under the arms or refrain from talking they are attracted to the carbon dioxide in our breaths and under arm and foot secretions, *screw ups my face*  
A down-turned gourd and bum guard with padlock in case the wife leaves you alone near any Navy crew.

When you hit the forest just a fig leaf will suffice and Anti-Bite-The-Dust-NO-Nit-Killer mossie spray, hat and block.

Gorgon Zola · Answer

Oh, thank God! I thought you were leaving your wife and family! (for good)
What an adventure that would be, to travel and do such wonderful things in such exotic places, but don't think you've fooled me for a second...you got transferred to another Walmart for dropping toilets or something, dincha? 

Godspeed, my friend. xx

50
Lots of bug spray.

Marvy Girl · Answer

just wear a rash guard and some Bull Frog

Maggie Babe · Answer

*Sniffles*....grabs box of Kleenex

sunscreen....30...maintain a tan..

.WAAAAHHHHHHH
*dabs eyes*

Bug spray?....yes...
*sobs* uncontrollably
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zuzi-yH9VLo

gimme a kiss and a hug

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What would be the appropriate sunscreen number for a trip to the Amazon rain forest?

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