Quotes Quotes,Quotes Quotes?

"Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." Meredith Grey

... let's play a game of whose life sucks worse ... I'll win, I always win ... Ellen Pompeo (Dr. Meredith Grey)

Sometimes they write what I say and not what I mean. Pedro Guerrero

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either. Dick Cavette

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin

"Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." - Mark Twain

"If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." Thomas Szasz

"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it." - Buddy Hackett

"No soldier ever won a war by dying for his country.

He won it by making the other soldier die for his country."

- Attributed to General George Patton Jr

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?

Dain bramaged

You say physco like it's a bad thing

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there." - Joel Hodgson

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? George Carlin

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." - George Carlin

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams.

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."- W.C. Fields

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy, and I keep it in a jar on my desk." - Stephen King

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. George Bernard Shaw

If you want loyalty - get a dog. If you want loyalty and attention - get a smart dog.” Grant Fairley

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch

That which does not kill me, makes me stranger. — The Joker, Black Knight

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not kicking and screaming, like the passengers in his car.

"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." J.P. Getty.

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window

--Steve Wozniak

I find Steven Wright quotes funny. Here are a few of them I found online.

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.”

“OK, so what's the speed of dark?”

“How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?”

“Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.”

“My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'”

“Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"”

“I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, ‘I think I might have written that’.”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious!”

“My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.”

“I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.”

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers

You laugh because I'm different...........I laugh cause I just farted!

Men are like bank accounts.

Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

What you call dog with no legs?

Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

if barbie is so popular....then y do u have 2 buy her friends?

I intend to live forever- so far so good

Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say "are you gonna drink that?"

Iv got 2 sit down & work out where i stand!!!

Wen u smile the world smiles with u.wen ur down people will rally behind u.but wen u fart u r alone coz people will never stand by u!

people ask me if id pefer 2 go 2 hell or heaven i say hell coz its nice and warm down there

Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!

I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!!

I never met a chocolate I never liked!

lifes not short its the longest bloody fing ull ever do!!!!

I would stop eating chocolate.. but I'm not a quitter!

dont pee in my pool and i wont swim in your toliet!

Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature

"inside me, There's a thin women trying to get out........But i can usually shut the cow up with chocolate."

All of my friends and I are crazy.Thats what keeps us sane!

☻people ask me if id pefer 2 go 2 hell or heaven i say hell coz its nice and warm down there

☻Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!

☻I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!!

☻I would stop eating chocolate.. but I'm not a quitter!

Ignorant men don't know what good they hold in their hands until they've flung it away.

-Sophocles

If I was more complacent and I let things slide, my life would be easier, but you all wouldn't be as entertained. My misery is your pleasure.

-Kanye West

In America, they want you to accomplish these great feats, to pull off these David Copperfield-type stunts. You want me to be great, but you don't ever want me to say I'm great?

-Kanye West

Ultimately, the only power to which man should aspire is that which he exercises over himself.

-Elie Wiesel

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.

-Albert Einstein

Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it

-Confucius

An envious heart makes a treacherous ear.

-Zora Neale Hurston

Baby im the ish and that’s the only thing you smell around me.

-Lil Wayne

And my funniest joke yet…im broke!

-Lil Wayne

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

He who laughs last didn't get it

"It was pretty good. Even the music was nice."

-- Yogi Berra, after attending an opera

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."

--G.K. Chesterton

"As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school."

Cokie Roberts

the only thing math and i have in common is that we both hate each other! -kara flores

"Life too is precious to waste - to spend on anything but the best"

"Well I like 'em really hot, I like em really flat, I like em really thin like a pancake stack. Flat buns, I like flat buns"