My Friend Has Just Told Me That He Is Gay... What Advice Can I Give Him For Telling His Christian Parents?

Hi there!

Michael A and Tim A have given great answers, and I don't have anything to add to what they've said! What I'll get to is more psychological (that's my field!). It sounds like you're being a great friend, so keep that up! Like others here, I also would stress that you ought to get him to get in touch with other gay and lesbian Christians, it's important for him to have people who know what he's going through, and you could join GCN as well - they welcome friends of gay and lesbian Christians too! :-) I do understand his reluctance to come out at Church, I can virtually guarantee you that he's been playing out worse case scenarios in his head for ages. So here goes...

BEFORE he comes out, there are 2 things I suggest, 1) he needs to know what the Bible says and spend some time praying before coming out. There are 2 reasons for this. Firstly he'll have the confidence which comes from trusting God, and he'll know he's ok with God. Secondly, when they are ready, he can talk with his parents from that "common ground" as well as as their son. Much of his parents biases will be based on the view that gay relationships are sinful. If he can explain from Scripture why that's not true, and if he's not about to start sleeping around (NB homosexual orientation, Christian lifestyle!) it might help them to see things in a new light. Again, Michael's recommendations are good. 2) Is there a pastor or elder at the Church he could talk to first? That way when he comes out to his parents they would have someone to go to if they need it? Again he can point them to GCN which has a page of testimonies of Christian parents with gay kids! There's also a film "Prayers for Bobby" which is good too, a true story about a Christian mother who came to terms with having a gay son (sadly not before he committed suicide). I'm not suggesting his parents are like that, but it'll give him (and them?) some insight.

HOW to come out... There's no easy way to do it. Usually the best thing is to sit his parents down, and say something like, "Mum, Dad, I love you so much. There's something that's been eating me up inside, and I really want to share this with you. I know you'll be hurt, and I don't want to hurt you, but I love you too much not to tell you the truth. I'm gay." He should NOT apologise for being gay. It's really easy to say "I'm gay, (pause) I'm sorry..." DON'T! If he does it can trigger lots of cognitive reactions which suggest that he's done something wrong, or that it can be "fixed" and that may make things more difficult. If talking to them is difficult he could write a letter? What can you do? If he's planning a time to sit them down, get him to warn you, and be available if he needs to call you after.

AFTER he's told them, if it goes well he'll get a good response like a hug, but he needs to know they're not going to be overjoyed for him. Because it's almost against out nature, he needs to plan ahead so that when he's said those two small words, "I'm gay", he can allow them to be silent, allow them to not know what to say or feel. Remember that no parent wishes for a gay son, and most have dreams involving weddings and grandkids. He needs to realise that although this is hard for him (it was the hardest thing I've ever done), it's hard for them too. It'll have taken him this long to accept himself and come out to you - he should allow his parents time to adjust too! So silences, thinking time etc - all good. Uncomfortable but good. If they raise Scriptural concerns he'll be in a good position to talk to them about that too. What I'm saying is that he needs to try and see things from their perspective as well, and then BE THERE for them. The American Psychological Association has a helpful factsheet about homosexuality (link) which may be helpful to have.

Finally, whatever happens, perhaps one of the best things you can tell him is this: I've met gay men who have the most horrific coming out stories. Men who are no longer in touch with their families. BUT I have never met one who later regretted coming out. Why? Jesus said that the truth will set you free, and He was right (of course!). Living a lie traps us in denial and despair, being honest is the way out. Living in truth and love will be/is the best thing your friend can do.

I hope that just some of this helps, and I'm sure all of us will say a wee prayer for your friend, his family and for you. :-) Yikes - just realised how much I've written! Sorry!

It would be a good idea to have him find an LGBT-affirming church and speak to the pastor or youth activities coordinator. If the pastor is willing, he can set up a meeting with the parents and fill them in on what it really means to be gay from a Christian perspective.

A lot of churches have groups for LGTB teens, especially the Metropolitan Community Church, the Unitarians, Episcopalians, and the United Church of Christ. Here is a site where you can find a gay-friendly church in your area (worldwide):

http://www.gaychurch.org/Find_a_Church/find_a_chur...

Most of these churches are inclusive churches, so you don't even have to be a Christian to go to the groups. Visitors are always welcome, and none of these churches ever put pressure on you to join. I'm an agnostic, and I often go to the Thursday social of the gay teen group at the local Unitarian church. The guys there are really cool, and I've gone out with two of them.

I hope this helps.

Good luck!

I understand your problem... hmm. Well, the best is to be strong and just do it- tell your parents. Confront them with what's on your heart. If they're truly Christian, they'll still love you! And most of all, undoubtedly accept for how you are. They should also support you. It must enough pressure for you- how could they dare to make it harder by being opposed? So, my advice is just to calmly and firmly talk about this and in a very progressive way. Then, just feel what seems to be best, follow your heart, and go with the flow... hope this helps and good luck! :)

Trying to combat such intolerance is difficult, and when it's the view of your parents, it is especially hard.

The best piece of advice would be for him not to tell his parents. If they are so dead against it, it would only drive them away from him.

Also, is there someone else in your youth group or church who is gay and is known to be? If so, introduce them, and see what your friend thinks and sees about the support that person receives.

Also, tell him that the Bible is personally interpretative. The bible says, "You shall not lie with another man as you do with a woman", but this can be interpreted as not lying with both at the same time, in my eyes.

I'm not telling you or him to abandon religion; however, if it makes him unhappy, then he should realise that not even God would want His children to be miserable.

I really can't add anything to what Michael A said... but I wanted to state again that the Gay Christian Network is an amazing place to help someone reconcile their faith with their sexual orientation.

You might want to invest in a copy of the GCN's documentary "Through My Eyes" which is the story of young people who have gone, or are going, through this very struggle. It's available from Amazon (DVD is compatable for WorldWide use)

He should wait until he moves out and can support himself. As hard as it is to be in the closet, it's better than the alternative.

There are plenty of gay Christian groups, try to find one of them for him to talk to.

since his family is totally closed-minded... i would say he shouldn't tell his parent's until he is ready (or already) to live on his own. one of my friends told her parents she was lesbian and her dad hit her and threw her out of her house. she's living with me. and THANK GOD my parents are accepting of gays (but they don't know i'm bi. so shhhh. it's a secret). she's been living with me for like 2 months now. she has tried calling her parent's but they just hang up on her. it's really sad. and I wouldn't want that for your friend. so i think he shouldn't tell them. but i also think it would be good if he told his other close friends. it will help him accept himself. like me, i didn't want to accept myself. but every time i told someone, i felt more and more comfortable with my sexuality! So i wish him good luck. and make sure your always supportive to him. he needs you XD

Sorry, I do not see the pressing need to inform his parents that he is Gay...!!!! They do not tell him what they do in the bedroom, why does he feel he has to tell them what he does???? I see this far too often. Drop the subject, let sleeping dogs lie! This really is NONE of their business. And while he is at it, he might consider dropping the entire religion thing, another silly piece in his life.

Without knowing your church, your denomination of Christianity, your pastor, or your youth group leader, I can't predict how they might react to your mate's sexuality.

He must be scared out of his wits.

As one who tried for 25 years to be "ex-gay" including marrying a woman, having kids, and stuffing down my true affections the whole time, I attest that it does not work. I ended up in clinical depression, my wife divorced me, and I had to start over again and re-make my life. My kids and I are close, but looking back I was foolish to marry their mother. By the way, I'm still gay, hahaha.

What helped me come to grips with my sexuality and my faith was a fine online (and in real life too) community called the Gay Christian Network, a fellowship of over 15,000 registered who are devout Christians but who happen to be gay, bi or lesbian.

In addition, I'd suggest Inclusive Orthodoxy to help out with the passages quoted against same-sex relationships.

I can attest that, in every case, the bible passages used against us referred to ritual same-sex temple prostitution in the worship of false gods (Leviticus 18 & 20 and Romans 1); the abduction of boys to make them sex slaves (1 Corinthians 6:9); and sexual violence and gang-rape to keep foreigners in their place (Genesis 19 and Judges 19).

In no case is a loving same-sex relationship condemned.

In fact, Galatians 3:28 actually quotes Genesis 1:27 (male and female) -- only to overturn it and sweep it aside as having no bearing on our salvation! In the Risen Christ, the old order of creation passes away -- we are a new creation in which Love rules all.

Human beings look on the outward appearance -- but the LORD looks on the heart (1 Samuel 16:7).

Hope the links help. Email me if you wish!

P.S. -- If he is sure that his mother will reject him, that means he should not come out to her until he is financially and emotionally independent and on his own. Jesus said, "Cast not your pearls before swine, lest they turn around and devour you", and also, "Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves". That tells me we need to be careful, for not everyone is ready to hear our truth, and we might get devoured if we are imprudent.

Love to him and to you.

EDIT: The Family Acceptance site is good for loved ones to help understand their child coming out.

But, as one who has driven young men to be with their relatives hundreds of miles away because their parents threw them out of the house, you can see why I'd be hesitant to come out to them if the are homophobic.

He really *must* have a network of friends and supportive people and resources in his life before coming out to parents who are hostile to homosexuality. He simply *must*. Or else he is like the king Jesus mentioned in the parable who went to war with another king, only to find himself woefully outnumbered and having to retreat. He needs to shore up his life and be strong and comfortable with who he is. That will only happen, I think, if he meets some real, live, Christian gay guys who he will find (to his surprise) to be completley normal, fine, prayerful, encouraging, warm human beings. That's why I suggest meeting some GCN guys. It is an international group, so there should be some folk near you.

Honestly, how can you be a gay Christian??? The Bible says it's a sin. Why would you want to participate in a religion than condones your own. He's just going to have to choose whether he wants to live his own and life and be happy or keep following a narrow minded faith.