Serious question, please no flamming?

Nice one, Tolstoy.

i know how you feel a bit i have been cheated on and the fear of it happening again is huge for you, the drinking is a big part of the problem (recovering alkie) and the move/job i suppose everything is getting on top of you. the lack of Communication between you both is a major factor as well, but the drinking is by far the biggest problem at the moment the minute that is dealt with the rest will follow if he was sober he would not be seeking female company on the phone /internet so forth but if thats is his thing then you need to get help for yourself there is alot of problem as afar as i can read he is not having phyiscall sex but the fantsy is there sorry but you need to confront your husband on these issues or they will get worse this is really unaccectable behaviour and the fact that he is a grown man and needs to take responsilbty for his actions good luck

I'm an infidelity couples counselor.

Once a cheater always a cheater... it's true to a degree, but it's also false to a degree as well. The reason people have this saying is because it's based in reality. Most of the time, if a person cheats, they will cheat again. Why? Because people don't just cheat for no reason. They cheat because of psychological or relationship issues (mostly a mix of the two). People normally cheat again because they don't fully resolve they issues. Fact is, if you don't fix the issues that led to the infidelity, you won't be able to avoid the infidelity from happening again. You need to change the equation to expect a different answer. So it's true to a degree. But it's also false to a degree as well. I'm an infidelity couples counselor, and many couples go on to have happy marriages after reconciling from infidelity. The cheater can get counseling to heal the issues that led to the infidelity, the couple can get counseling together to mend the marriage, and the cycle can end. It is possible if both of you are willing. If a cheater is willing to commit to working on themselves and the marriage, they can change. But don't expect someone who doesn't want to change to get better, either. It all depends. I try to avoid the once a cheater always a cheater phrase because it's too black and white, and as we know nothing is ever as simple as that. The way I look at it, the worst that can happen is you try. You try to work it out with him, and it doesn't work out, then you can move on knowing you put your all into it. If you walk away know you might always wonder what if, could he have changed, etc. That's what I personally believe.

Anyway onto specifics. Your husband is in deep denial about his infidelity and about his psychological issues. It's clear he wants to use this infidelity as a fantasy, an escape, attempting to get away from reality. Obviously he is creating his own scenarios, his own history, everything. To me that suggests some serious psychological issues, so serious that he wants to erase his past history. He seems like an avoidant person, the type that likes to avoid issues, sweep them under the rug. It's clear that's what he's doing with you, trying to tell you that it's not that bad. It is bad. He knows that. I don't know much about his service in Iraq, but my husband's been deployed to Afghanistan twice, and he's in Iraq now. We know several service members with PTSD. With the drinking issues, and with this infidelity, I just want to throw out the possibility of PTSD to you as well. Again, I don't know anything about his service, but it may be a reason for this occurring.

If I were you, I would tell him he needs to quit the drinking, get into an AA program (being drunk is not an excuse for cheating... being that drunk is a reason to go to AA right away), quit the inappropriate conversations with women, be willing to be 100% open and honest with who he is talking to what he's doing etc., commit to individual counseling, and commit to couples counseling. That, or you walk.

Why not ask him why he feels the need to do this? Also, see if he will get help with his drinking which is a disease with stages. If he won't respond to these two issues, then you have decisions to make. His drinking, like anyone's tends to get worse. The texting,,, is it like X-rated? If so, you could suggest watching R or X rated movies with him. This is not a perfect solution but perhaps an improvement. Issue 3: The fact that you're on different schedules is asking for trouble

although neither of you may have asked for such schedules. Can one of you change work schedules? You plainly need to do some things together like a Friday date night. If not, the tendency is to grow apart further. These are troublesome indications. Perhaps both of you could go to counseling. Doesn't the army provide such ? Do NOT underestimate the problem of drinking/alcoholism. Would he share why he does that ? He may not be able to help himself on the drinking. It's a physical, mental, spiritual addiction requiring help. Also, he has some deep psychological issues... that doesn't mean that can't be dealth with.

I don't think you should get a divorce or leave. Your marriage is still new and think about getting marriage counseling. Getting marriage counseling doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. You need to communicate better and it doesn't help that you barely see each other because of working. You can make the marriage work and there is hope. If your husband has a drinking problem he needs help to deal with it. Good Luck!

If he is open to discussing this, then you may have a chance. He needs to realize that the pain and betrayal you are feeling from this is just as bad as if you caught him physically cheating. It needs to be clear that this behavior is unacceptable and that while you will do your best to make this work, if he continues, there WILL be consequences...you could even leave. He may not have realized the importance of this to you, but now that he knows, he has to respect your wishes in this. Good luck, sweetie.

Have you thought about getting your work hours changed so you could have more time with him? I think he is doing this because he is lonely and your not there for him. If you can't get your hours changed so you can be with him maybe you need to look for another job so you can be with him. Sacrifice is all part of a good marriage. Try that and see how it works for you.

And he say's"oh by the way, have you got a rubber?" The barman sats, "Sure, What do you want it for?" And the bloke say's "Cos ive got a fu.king headache"