My 23 yr old daughter says 'I hope you die!"?

Question

I have 3 kids. My oldest two went to their dad's when we div at 13. My youngest has always been w/me. Being so close to her, I paid for private school, trips, really spoiling her. She has real difficulties in relationships, esp w/men. She has never had a steady bfriend. She has a weight issues, but is extremely successful in her career and graduated early from college.
She has seen me go thru some abusive relationships and has caused big problems in them. I went back to an ex that she hated that stalked me etc. He has tried changing. When I go visit him out of state, she doesn't want to hear it and screams at me. She says she will disown me if I see him.
I took a stand and decided it was my decision, and I was tired of her threats and manipulations. She judges everyone and is quite religious, yet will party when she feels like it. She has troubles in many of her close friendships. I think she has PMS.
Anyway, she invaded my privacy and read emails, finding out that I was out of state visiting this guy. She sent me texts telling me, "I hope you die, I am moving out, I will never speak to you again. You are a pathological liar and he won.She did move out and wont speak to me and its been days. She has so much hatred and puts guilt trips on me. Yes I have lied to her, she wont accept truth. The guy has tried changing, but I decided not to be w/him anyway, too much bad past.
She has seen me go through a lot. She has seen too much. Hoe can she go from loving me and being so close to hatred in the blink of an eye? She also went thru this w/her sister and her best friend. She is talking to my other daughter though now. We both need counseling.
Any advice, she wont speak to me. I paid for a trip to Seattle for a week and she is there now. Hope she cools off. How do I earn her repsect back? Should I put up with her continual disrespect? She really is a selfish person. I am very sad. I want her to be happy and accept me making my own decisions, whether right or wrong.
She & I have always been super close. Her hatred and evil words really hurt me deeply. She has always been disrespectful to me. she takes advantage of me and out of guilt I give in.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Well, number one, she doesn't hate you. Number two, she's 23 years old and it's time to grow up and stop acting like a child. Comments like that are what a 12 year old say to their parents when they don't get their way. Number three, stop lying to her and just give her the truth. It's time to stop sugar coating things, she's a big girl now and needs to hear the truth. Sometimes, it hurts more when you found out someone lied to you than it hurts when you got the truth in the first place. See who you want, your daughter can't control that. Leave her be for awhile, she'll eventually come around. I'm 24 years old and don't know what I'd do without my parents. You all need to seek counseling, it sounds like life was rough for all of you, and it's time to get it all out in the open so all the resentful feelings can disappear and you can all start fresh.

Shae · Answer

Did you ever think that she is just upset with you because she is looking out for you, but you are putting this guy in front of the relationship that you have with her? For some reason you are too blind to see the things that are right in front your face, but from the outside looking in she can see them clearly?

What do you mean, "her continual disrespect"? She is upset because she is concerned about you and you cannot see what you are putting yourself through. She is snooping through your things because you are "continually" lying to her. She is only trying to protect you because she loves you, instead you are sneaking around like YOU are the child and she's the parent. She is only concerned about your well being. Who's really the selfish one here?

You say "it's your decision" but if it bothers her so much, don't you see how selfish you are being?? Is this guy worth losing the relationship with your daughter, because that's exactly what's going to happen. Honestly, she's an adult now and if she wants to move on with her life and not talk to you anymore, she has every right to do so. If he's "your decision" then you need to accept the consequences that come with it. Even if that's at the risk of the relationship with your child.

"How do you earn her respect back"? How do you THINK?

carlasmango · Answer

1st thing: Loose your Ex that is why he was your Ex in the 1st place. Don't visit or write him just dump him in an Email.

2nd: Change any of your info that he may know as well as your daughter.

3rd. She over spoiled your daughter, allowed her to become your best friend, now she using it against you. She knows how to push your buttons.

4th. Get counseling for you and your daughter. Never bring a man around your children not unless he's putting a ring, mansion and permanent date of the grand event.

5th. Your daughter is angry cause you were left to raise her and perhaps she doesn't have a close relationship with your Ex husband or her siblings.

6th. Your daughter is 23 in age but 10 in her behavior. Let her move out and don't help her in any of her situations. Especially if she doesn't pay rent despite she works. She can't be religious seriously because of her actions. She needs Anger Management and a Hug, Kick and a good ole fashion Whooping on being disrespectful.

7th. Allow your daughter to grow up by letting her go and for her to be the woman that you have groomed her to be. A good slap to wake her up will cut out all the disrespectful actions. You created the Devil and her bratty behavior. You owe your daughter NOTHING. You was nice to give her life so ignore what she says despite how angry she gets.

8th. Let her get a roommate and let her take all her stuff. Tell her nothing about your priviate life and keep it that way. She has to find happiiness on her own so let her. Help her with wisdom and action, don't feed into her b

Laurie · Answer

I completely agree with Serene E. You brought this on yourself.  
Plus, why should your daughter respect you when you don't respect yourself?  She has basically been taught from a young age that men either aren't there or if they are they will treat you like crap and that being treated like that is okay.
Some of the comments you make in your question almost make you sound like the selfish child and she's the parent. Right now I think you would be better off getting yourself some help and get straightened out and then try to mend things with her.

QJ43 · Answer

Well from your explanation, you seem to understand exactly what is going on (i.e. her being selfish and guilt trips you), but you think that you are helpless to do anything about it when in reality, you are the one with the most power.  You're only allowing your daughter to believe that she is the one in control and you also seem to believe that.

It sounds like you have issues overall with abusive relationships with men which is also carrying over into your relationship with your daughter. Even though she is doing inappropriate things like going through your personal e-mail and texting you hateful messages, you still paid for her to take a trip to Seattle.  

I think you should seek counseling.  I don't know if your daughter will be willing to go, but even if she's not, I would put a stop to the gift-giving and spoiling.  That's the only way you can let her know that her behavior is unacceptable.

some chick · Answer

Wait, wait, wait ... who's the child here? Because it sounds like you.
No, she's not expressing herself perfectly, but I think it's about time you took a step or 10 back and really looked at what your lifestyle has done to your daughter. She wants nothing to do with an abusive stalker and can't respect your decision to see him? ... Well, duh.
You will earn her trust and respect back when she feels like you are someone she can trust and respect. For your sake and hers, get some counseling and figure out why you keep finding yourself in these horrible relationships before one of these men makes sure your daughter really won't see you again.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it's long past time for you to start taking care of yourself.

? · Answer

When u said that u r truly hurt frm her evil words that's mean u really love her,also u can tell her about the relationships u had with that person and can also make her emotional by reminding her about ur n her past(how u both enjoyed ur life) she also really loves u as she thinks about u n she really cares about u coz she read ur private e-mails this realy means that she cares for u

Serene E · Answer

Wow.  It sounds like you've done a big number on her. Divorcing her dad when she was young, seeing you probably from a young age in abusive relationship after abusive relationships, You've kept an abusive relationship.   Then you give her everything she wants!
Honey, YOU"RE the cause of all of her problems!!!!

She's lived a crazy life with you and hates how you keep staying with abusive guys, she calls you a liar and everything else.  I wonder why she won't talk to you!!!  I wouldn't either.

cassiepiehoney · Answer

Maybe she hates you because you spill all her secrets on the internet and pay more attention to men that beat you. She is the way you raised her

MMM · Answer

i don't think she hates you i think she wants to protect you and cant so she is backing off because she doesn't want to see you get hurt.

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My 23 yr old daughter says 'I hope you die!"?

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