in a marriage when one cheats doest the other person always have to find out?

Imo, it comes down to this if you decide not to tell him: if he never finds out--no fireworks; but, if you don't tell him and he finds out...KABOOM! It will be a powder keg exploding with no hope of reconciliation.

I have been the victim of infidelity and later I was played by someone else I had feelings for. For me, if I had been told what happened--it would have been painful, but I really would have tried to deal with it. However, because I found out what I was not supposed to (e.g. what was deliberatly being kept a secret from me)--it was insurmountable for me. The thought that there was not only a breach of vows but, that there was a deliberate decision to intentionally lie to me and let me live with an illusion she had been faithful and honest made me decide she was not worth another chance. I reasoned that if she had so little respect for me that she thought it acceptable not only to lie, but to let me believe that lie for the rest of my life (until I accidentally discovered the truth) there was not a marriage worth trying to save. She chose the path (to not disclose) easiest for herself not the one respectful of me or our marriage. In other words, the deal breaker was not the affair--it was the decision to then intentionally deceive me about it.

I say this simply so that you have what you want...a chance to save your marriage. Is it possible he will never find out--yes. But, secrets usually come out and at the worst possible time in the worst possible way. So, if this secret is to come out (and the probability is it will) it be better you decide the time and place in order to have a chance to save your marriage.

One final thing, if your husband knows the other man or knows anyone the "other man" knows--the liklihood increases significantly your husband will learn. Just as there is no such thing as the perfect crime, there is no perfectly kept secret of infidelity. Just as how on t.v. show a guilty person forgets something or someone else sees something that ultimately leads to their getting caught so too with infidelity. For the sake of your marriage and for your husband, just know that it will be so much easier (although I am not trying to say it will be easy--just MUCH easier than if he finds out without your telling him) if you are forthcoming and tell him.

Even if you believe it to be true--that you want to keep it secret to save your marriage...if you try to convey this it will in all liklihood never be believed. He will believe you are protecting yourself and your secret. I mean if the roles were reversed would you believe he was keeping infidelity a secret in order to save your marriage?

Good luck

I find the issue with cheating is that if you cheat and you don't say anything how can you ever believe the person you are with is faithful? After all you gotta start thinking that they too may have cheated and done exactly the same thing and not said anything. If this idea doesn't bother you then keep quiet. Personally I find it rather sad that people can behave like that to one another especially in a marriage but each to their own I guess.

In response to Additional Info:

Personally I would want to know since as much as the truth hurts I find the thought of living in ignorance more unbearable. That's me, your husband may well be different, that's something you need to decide. Perhaps consider if the roles were reversed and how you would feel. Would you want him to tell you? You know the intricacies of your relationship, nobody else can really advise you on that. Forget what the easiest thing to do is and choose what you feel is right.

The other partner does not have to find out, but they usually do, or at least suspect something. When you cheat on your partner, you also cheat on yourself, taking something away from the relationship and giving it to a 3rd party. That feeling of loss, guilt, of hurting your partner whether he knows or not, will always be there. So it doesn't matter if it happened once, twice, three times or a hundred times - cheating still hurts no matter how much. It sounds like you are remorseful and will not do this again. If you work very hard at focusing on your partner, on making him happy, you will become happier and these thoughts and feelings about your cheating may eventually fade away. As for telling your partner, don't do it! why should you burden him with your guilt? Telling about the affair will only hurt him, so I would only tell him if he already has found out and is asking questions (then he needs the truth) or if you are 100% sure that someone else is going to tell him(It's better coming from you first). Hopefully you've learned you lesson here and can now go on to be a loving faithful partner. We are all human and make mistakes, The important thing is to learn from those mistakes to make life better for us and our loved ones. Good luck!

You should feel guilty alone. He does not deserve to be hurt. I hope you have learned that it is not worth it. If you tell him your marriage may be over. If you are not happy leave, get a divorce and then see someone. If you found out your husband cheated, how would you feel? I hope this has changed you into being fair with the guy who loves and TRUSTS you.

the truth will always come out,the bible says there is nothing hid that won't be made known.when you do something wrong in life there are consequences,and they hurt too!i would never cheat in a marriage,and cause someone else heartache.i have seen this happen lots of times in my life,and the cheaters are brought down.god says vengeance is mine sayeth th lord i will repay,and he also says theres not one little sparrow in the air that don't fall,that i don't know about.you better stop and think about what you're doing,because you are heaping coals of fire upon your head

The truth has a way of coming out. 3 times is way too many times to break your wedding vows. IF he does not yet know, you have time to stop this and be true to your marriage. If you do not want to do that then it is time to get a divorce.

Take it to the grave. You made the decision and now carry the guilt. He doesn't deserve to hurt for your mistake, especially if you don't intend to do it again.

you ungrateful bytch