What do you think of my admissions essay?

Question

It has to be exactly 250 words and there was no topic.

these are the instructions:
We encourage you to use this essay to provide us with information that is not reflected elsewhere in your application. Please provide a 250 word essay on a subject of your choice.


this is what I might send in? My friends all got in a wrote similar things about themselves. My grades are better than theirs.. i don't know.. no rude answers please.
I moved to Berkshire County almost two years ago; Williamstown to be exact. A Texas native, I am in awe of the landscape here. I often take long walks up mountainsides to relax. Occasionally, I’ll turn a corner only to find a waterfall or riverbed hidden by the lush foliage. It's quite a change from the never-ending wheat fields of the Texas plains. I consider myself to be a smart girl. A little difficult at times? Yes, but I suppose that's to be expected of any 18 year old. I aspire to be a Politician. I crave power but not in a Hitler kind of way. Is ambition a feeling? Or, maybe potential can be felt? I feel it. It's like a burning to go, all the time, and never stop. I have yet to find something that satisfies those cravings. I long for learning. Like thirst or hunger; I need it. I’m passionate about one thing in this life and that’s my inelegance.  The more things I know, the better I feel. Strange? I don't know; maybe. I’m looking for my place in this world. Where am I meant to be? What I’m I made to do? Everyone is meant for something weather it be teaching, singing, politics, or football. I enjoy English, but it’s not my calling. I love to paint, but I’m not made for it. I’m looking for my place in this life; just starting out.. On a mission to find myself.  MCLA is only my beginning.

Britt · Accepted Answer

To me, the essay sounded kind of disorganized.  I didn't get a theme and you seemed to negate things a lot, which made you seem slightly pessimistic and negative.  You should write more positively.  Say what's great about you, or put in a story that relates to how you can be a vital aspect to the school.  In one of my essays, I talked about how I had to miss several weeks of school when my grandfather died and ended up getting really far behind in classes, but managed to actually get ahead and teach others.  You mentioned that you moved, use that as your topic.  Talk about how you had to start your life over again by making new friends, going to a new school, getting used to the area, etc.  Just show how you overcame adversity and became a better person.  End it by saying how that experience prepared you for the school you want to go to.

Summer · Answer

Your essay is all over the place. Rewrite it but focus on one topic. Ensure you use proper grammar and punctuation. Don't rewrite it with your friends. It should be uniquely you.

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What do you think of my admissions essay?

2 Answers