Advice needed on planning a celebration dinner; my nephew won the Bride of Leavenworth 2009 pageant...?

Question

....and we are all so proud!  You know, as he was led from the courtroom to begin serving his 3 to 5, I took one look at him walking in that tight-fitting orange jumpsuit, and immediately could picture in my mind's eye the impression he would make as he strolled the prison catwalk with all of the cells lining both sides.  I turned to his mother and said, "Sis, you know, I think Jeb is a real pageant contender."  She became really excited; she knows I have a good eye for such things, and we immediately made plans to start building his prospects.

First thing I did was call the warden.  Now, Warden Roberts and I go way back, and he knows I'm a real talent scout in such matters, and often turns to me for advice.  I said, "Seth, I want to inform you that the finest piece of fresh meat to hit your prison in years is on its way even as we speak.  My nephew, Jeb, is a real eye-turner, and I think he could claim the pageant title for your facility if you play your cards right and make sure he makes the right impression."  It is very important in these matters that pageant prospects are seen only with the best, the cream of the crop.  I knew Seth would do right by me, and I wasn't disappointed.

When the June issue of "Cell and Shower" came out, my sister and I were truly blown away; not only had Warden Roberts matched him up well, but had secured "Wolf Johann" as his cell-mate.  The two made an attractive couple on the front of the magazine, Jeb with his 19 year old baby face and blank expression, Johann the total skinhead with the perfect goatee and tattoos.  My sister and I cried for happiness!  We made frequent calls to the warden to check on Jeb's progress, and Seth excitedly told us that he hadn't seen anyone go for so many cigarettes in years!

Well, now it is official; our family name can now proudly boast a pageant winner, the first we have ever had.  Sis and I are planning a huge celebration dinner, and we want to do it up right.  This is a proud moment not just for our family, but for our entire trailer park, not to mention the state correctional facility.  Any advice on making this celebration dinner a success is greatly appreciated.  For the record, we are sparing no expense, and it is Little Debbie™ cakes all around, so please bear this in mind.


Thanks!

Lydia · Accepted Answer

Hi honey, I got your invitation to the party!  I’m bringing my famous potato chip crumb casserole and pinto bean brownies!  The warden will just LOVE them!

Also, let’s not forget to spike the punch with our special moonshine.  I’m going to make it out at the river tomorrow night instead of at your place.  I wouldn’t want to risk blowing up the trailer park again.  It took me a year to grow back my eyebrows and even though you still look sexy in a wig, it always blows off your head and smacks me in the face when we ride the Harley to church.  

((((((smooches))))))

Anonymous · Answer

You'll need to stock up on Old Milwaukee's Best; have a good selection of those Little Debbie's (I l just adore the holiday ones, as well as the Nutty Bars); and for heaven's sake... make sure you clean the 'possum well. There's nothing worse than a stray 'possum hair to wreck the photo ops.

Radio Jingles · Answer

No  celebration is complete without the requisite amount of crack heads and chronic drunks that gate crash,  they always fill in the awkward moments when a party begins.  And they never disappoint..

Keep in mind, that malt beer and fortified wine are an absolute for any respectable red neck soiree.  Cheesies and Doritas with a good dip are always a welcome touch...

This is truly an auspicious occassion....break out the fancy paper plates and napkins!!

Congrats!   You must be proud as punch -   Yiiiiihaaaaahhhhh!!!!!

THE NOLTE-KMA/EOO/FU2 · Answer

Little Debbie™ cakes? Well, if you promise to throw in some of those Zebra Cakes and a bottle of Orange Mad Dog, then The Nolte will be sure to attend. (oh, and be sure to wear that flowered mumu The Nolte loves so much).

I know you're just gushing with pride, beautiful. Congrats! (((sexy)))

Anonymous · Answer

Hmm.

I think you should go all out! Get some Bud and REAL Doritos this time! I might even spring for some dip if you like that sort of thing. This is truly a proud moment indeed and I'm so exicited for you!!!

Let me think on this one some more.

Sips With A Fist · Answer

I suggest, instead of handing out Little Debbie™ cakes that you dish out Soap On A Rope® to all.

Anonymous · Answer

Jack B, I agree. Maybe this act should be taken to live action and put on youtube because this is clearly the work of a comedic mind.

Anonymous · Answer

May I raise a glass of Boonesfarm in your familes' honor?  This calls for the expensive stuff...

Anonymous · Answer

*wipes tear from eye*

That's gotta be the most beautiful and inspirational story I've heard all week.

*sigh*

You must be very proud of your little Jeb.
That competition is cut-throat.

Or so I've heard..*cough*

Anonymous · Answer

Ah, Miss Skankstein, this one is going over like a lead balloon.  *sigh*

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Advice needed on planning a celebration dinner; my nephew won the Bride of Leavenworth 2009 pageant...?

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