Help:Is this work any good opinions please?

thats fab!

what u could do is say that mayb u were going out with this boy we'll call him Sam(billy-joe's best friend) and u were going 2 his m8s house party with Sam and u were meeting ur 2 best friends there lets say they r called Cat and Ally

but when u were walking there with Sam u 2 had a fight

and at the party u didnt talk 2 him much

and when u tried 2 explain the fight to ur Ally and Cat they stuck up 2 him and said it was ur fault and didnt help solve the promblem

so u went upstairs when Ed this boy tries 2 chat u up and ends up trying 2 kiss u but u push him away and say that ur in love him Sam so he can piss off

but when u walk down stairs 2 try 2 talk 2 Sam and sort things out u trip over a couple kissing and u walk on the boy

then the boy u accidently stamped on moans and u reconise the noise he makes and u realise its Sam

then when the girl Sams kissing looks up and u see its Ally your so called best friend

while u run down stairs with tears streaming down ur face Ally calls and says its not what it looks like while Sam tells her that ur making a fuss and that Ally shouldnt worry

u run and sit in the living room grabbing a bottle of vodka while no one sees that u've drank the whole bottle and 3 beers way to quickly

all of a sudden u start 2 well dizzy and run to the bathroom

u make it in time 2 the bathroom 2 lock urself in and throw up

u sink down while leaning on the bath thinking about all the **** u got urself into in the last 3 hours how much u h8 ur friends and the piece of filth that u were going out with

but thinking only makes it worst and u stand up look 4 something in the bathroom but u dont no what

u spot a pair of bathroom scissors and 2 drunk enough 2 no what ur doing pulled out ur wrist and cut urself 5 times each time whispering "once 4 how much a hate my boyfriend once for how much i hate my friends once for how much i hate this party once for how much i hate my life and once for how much i wanna die right now" while pushing so hard on ur wrist on the last time u fall down 2 the floor unconscious (this is were ur part comes in)

also some were in ur story u could put that billy-joe had loved u since u were both 5 and that it was Billy-joe how tried 2 kiss u but it was so dark u couldnt see his face and when u ran 2 the bathroom he saw u and saw Sam kissing Ally and when he managed 2 get every1 into the living room and lock the door then he forced the bathroom lock open picked u up put u in the car and got every1 out of the living room taking u bk 2 his flat and rung up ur parents telling them that u were staying at the party 4 the nite with Cat and Ally then putting u on the spare bed he looked after u and watched u all nite(put that all in at the end tho))

gd luck hope ur story turns out ok tell me what u rite in the end

HeartBeat

Personally, I value opinions that are backed up by a few criteria. First would be facts. That is what I look for when I ask questions here on Yahoo. What are the facts? OR, is it just an opinion that is ideally put down in writing. Second, I look for intent. Is the opinion out of concern; is it out of Godly principled love? If not then I do not pay much attention to it. Third, is it logical? If it doesn't ring true to me, I question its value. Fourth, Does it go along with my Bible trained conscience? That is the true value. If it stands up to these 4 points (and I'm sure there are more but that is what is coming to mind), then it is a very valued opinion. The Zeb ;)

So I copied this into Microsoft Word, went through it, and cleaned it up for you. You had lots of grammar and punctuation mistakes and some wording needed to be rephrased. Here it is.

My head spun as a lay sprawled across the bathroom floor. Mascara streaked down my face; my throat burned as I choked on my tears. I felt hot and clammy. My head throbbed and I felt as if the room was getting smaller and smaller each moment. Nausea quickly spread through my body. Despairingly I lay my head back. I felt all I could do was lie there lifelessly, like a rag doll. The room began to fade piece by piece, sucked into the dark oblivion. Everything went black. I could still feel the alcohol pounding through my veins, intoxicating my body.

I don’t know how long I was unconscious, but I knew it hadn’t been a short time. Suddenly I was floating in mid air; I realized I was being carried. Billy-Joe cradled me in his bear-like arms, lifting me from the grim bathroom floor. He tossed me over his shoulder. My body couldn’t handle this sudden jolt and my stomach heaved but managed to contain itself. I wound my arms tightly around his neck. The people surrounding us faded to a blur; the music beat faintly in my ears as if something was blocking it. I closed my eyes as he threw the car door open and lay me on the icy leather seat. I dreaded the car journey ahead. His eyes tried to penetrate mine but I didn’t let them in. I closed my eyes and rested my head against the cold glass window. I didn’t utter a word. I couldn’t find the strength to even if I wanted. My whole body submerged in pain.

I woke the next morning dazed. Everything that happened from the night before blurred into one. It all seemed like a distant dream. I couldn’t tell what reality was and what wasn’t. I couldn’t even remember how I got into my bed last night. My body ached, screaming inside and out. I rigidly stumbled my way out of my bed. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Horrified, I wanted to look away at once. My once stunning fluorescent pink cocktail dress was in tatters ripped in more than one place, mascara stained my face like black veins, and only my tousled curls had stayed in tact. My face crumpled as I broke into tears.

I love how descriptive you are. As for an answer to your question, I think you should definetly make this part of the beginning, but before this, tell how she got to the party she was at, maybe include her name, and a friend she sneaks out with to go there. Maybe she should talk about having a major crush on the guy throwing the party, let's say he's a senior in high school and she's only a freshman. He never noticed her before, but once she gets there, in her hot pink dress, then he suddenly gets very close to her, gets her drunk, and tries to get in her pants basically. He's a jerk, pretty much. So she goes into the bathroom to hide from him. Billy-Joe could be the best friend who's in love with her and is always there for her but she goes for the older, popular guys you know? I think you could definetly make something of this. Props, girl.

well this is pretty good. but be careful that you dont repeat things you already said but with different words...you are doing that. i feel like you are trying to say something but you are not sure what.

For the beginning i suggest you start with a conversation between two bystanders who walk out of the bathroom talking about what a mess the girl was that they just seen. Then have them say different scenarios she could be in. This creates an air of mystery about your main character and makes the reader want to keep reading to find out what really happened to her.

This sounds like a good beginning, actually. Try adding a few lines before "My head spun..." to indicate where you are.

Most movies/books begin with action or confusion to keep the audience in suspense. So it's okay to start from here.

Why not use that as your starting point. Depending on what your novel is about that doesn't sound so bad really. A bit of editing and punctuation perhaps (but that will come once the draft of your book is written) and you're all set. Nice start :)

I agree you could use that as a beginning.

I like all the details you have; it makes it more visual in my head

If you want you could have her at a party doing something or watever and the next thing she remembers is what you wrote. Like have that as the second chapter or something. Either way, it's good.

I really liked that. And i really think that that would be perfect for a beginning. Unless theres actually something you had in your mind as a reason she is there or whatever. Keep Writing : ) x

Mine - http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=200909...

Please, people, answer? x