Would you mind to give me an advice?

Forget the books and study the person. If not affected by a mental disorder, a lot of a person's behavior stems from how they were treated as a child; confidence; self esteem; self worth; or the lack of these, as well as pent up emotion, frustrations leading to anger. All begin as a child.

Many turn to the "get them before they get me" mode expressing hostility which is really aimed at themselves.

I will start giving you a star, that little tiny glowing one that is afforded here.

Then I think that to try and understand a bit more of such high bigwigs of traditional and necessary scholarship or science for you as you name, and that for me still are very fascinating,

you might try and, perhaps as if reading more between the lines, see them more as human beings with their flaws, with their hopes, with their fights against foes or detractors, with their sorrows, with their sins and with their perhaps romantic adventures; you might try and see some movie or hear of some chat about their ideas and their life; you might try and discuss their personal life and their glowing ideas with good friend or soul's companion or colleague of yours, or supply your knowledge of them by attending some evening or extra course or discussion group if you can afford that, or find some sort of tutor or mentor that for free or for some $£€ or other preferred currency gladly knowingly may try and help you; or you might even imagine that you are constructing and conducting an interesting or even smart interview with them about their important ideas that may look or sound difficult or telling you what things are-not, or even look boring to you. I know that this may take more time and energy of you than you may feel to afford, but you might try ardently more, and see what happens!

During preliminary or early attempts you might still feel no success, no progress; you may feel a bit of hopelessness as you seem about right now, but soon you will have become familiar working with those people and with those ideas,

and to be familiar, thus knowing of more intimate sides of those people, of their important ideas or theories or even glowing visions, may mean to have become acquainted, and so much habituated as to no longer being able to live without them, and to ever want to make more good descriptions and associations or insights that may be admired by others and that may make you more proud.

Also, while trying and constructively working more together with some good colleague-s, and even if you might have the sad impression of being blind people trying and showing one another the right way or the necessary path,

you might end up establishing some interactions of warm cooperation that might make you realize that no matter how difficult or impracticable the subject-matter seemed to be in the beginnings,

you are anyway diligently trying and working at building up, or more ardently adding up to, some good memories for a future.

Amen. Have some joyful lovely laughs.