I need to help to save my relationship!?

Question

Me and my partner have been together for 2 and half years. In that time we have been through so much. He is British and I am American, so the first year was spent long distance, spending months apart. After not being able to cope with that, I made the choice to move to England, leaving behind everything I knew. It was a sacrafice on both our parts. I had to give up all that I knew and start fresh, he had to take on the financial responsibility of having to support me (I cant work on my current visa), as well as helping me cope with such a big change. On top of this, he has a 6 year old son, who I adore and love as if he was my own. but that also came with a whole set of issues in itself. Becoming an instant mom, dealing with the ex, etc. has all had its toll on me. Being here in England has been very challenging, and I will admit to not being myself most of the time. I am constantly questioning myself, my looks, my confidence. All of which was never an issue for me in the past. I know he feels responsible for this and constantly worries about me, and I think that he has grown to resent me for that.
As if all that was not enough to deal with, we recently experienced another massive blow to the relationship. About two months ago I found a text on his phone where he admitted to having feelings for a woman who works for him. This absolutly crushed me. Nothin ever happened between the two of them, but the fact that he thought about being with someone else was heart breaking. I confronted him and told him I was leaving him. He said that what he felt was misconstrued feelings of friendship, brought on by stress and he was implicitly sorry, etc. He said all the right things, and did all the right things and I agreed to give him another chance, give us another chance. It has not been easy, trying to trust him again. I know if I agreed to forgive him I need to let go of what he did and not hold it over his head, but I cant seem to be able to do that. He works with this woman every day. He swears that all the feeling he thought he had for her were false, and that there is nothing there. But Im terrified that I am being played for a fool. I have given him a really hard time since. I guess I thought that if I pushed him to think that we were at risk of ending because of something he did, he would push back and show me how much he cared. But Ive only ended up pushing him away. 
We have recently gotten into a massive fight because I sent him a horrible email, again bringing up what he did and calling him all sorts of horrible things because of it. He told me he couldnt take it anymore and wanted me to go home. That he couldnt take the abuse anymore and was sick of walking on eggshells. Part of me feels like he should have to deal with it because it is what he has put me through that has brought us here. But part of me also feels guilty for not forgiving him the way I should, and truly letting us have a fighting chance of getting through this. 
I love this man more than anyhting in the world. I love his son, and I love our life together. Before all of this we were talking marriage and kids and our future. I cant picture my life without him. But now I feel like my inability to get over what he has done has pushed him away beyond return! I dont know what to do and I need any advice anyone has for me!! Please help!

? · Accepted Answer

You need to do some soul searching of your own first. Decide if you truly believe you can forgive his actions and REALLY never bring it up again. If you think, even for a moment that you are unable to let it go completely- then you're going to have find the strength instead, to leave. It is not fair for either of you to have to live that way. It will eat away at you, and he will continue to resent you for being so unforgiving and unreasonable. You are making this man walk on eggshells because of insecurities you have created in your own mind. That is not fair to him. It's not fair to do that to yourself either by the way.
*However* (Light at the End of the Tunnel Moment...)
If you love this man so much, that you are ready and willing to forgive him, and knowing the responsibility that would carry- then sit down and talk to him. Let him know that you realize how you were wrong, and how you could have done things differently. Tell him you are willing to fight for your relationship, and that you hope he is willing to give you the chance to try.

Do me a favor though Hun, no more angry email, okay? That was really childish- and if he had been the one to send something like that to you- how would your opinion of him be changed? You are a grown woman. You've made some very adult choices by giving up your life in the US to be with him and share your lives together in another country. Now, you need to continue making adult decisions in how you handle things from here on out. No yelling, or screaming, no name calling, and for the love of Gawd.... no more dwelling on the past. Make the future your focus. More importantly- Make your future with him and his son your focus!

Hope this Helps. Good Luck!

Voww79 · Answer

Have you thought about counseling? Do you guys go to church, ask a pastor ect. 
I have gone through many problems in my relationship with my husband, the best thing is to talk openly, not argue, not get loud and see the point of view of your partner. How will you guys have a future if you can not talk to each other. 
Regarding your other problems moving to England, ....if he loves you the way you where why are you trying so hard to be different? He loved you the way you where when he met you.

craig b · Answer

You don't seem to understand what "MARRIED" means! 
You have no vow. No promise. No......nothing! You packed it all up for what? 
For nothing! 
You are single. He is single. You/he can do whatever you want! 
And he still is. This is WHY there is a "betrothal" period. A time of engagement where each proves to the other what character and morality really means. 
You went into this all whacked up and screwed around and you wonder what went wrong? 
What went wrong is you allowed yourself to be placed into a relationship with not ONE boundary! 

Either get engaged and married or go home. There is nothing there that has any real importance. He's getting everything he wants from you and you're getting........nothing! 

(did your mommy not tell you to NOT have sex until you get married?) 
(now you know why)

majiksmom · Answer

It sounds as if you both are emotionally & physically stressed beyond yourselves . He wanted to be forgiven ..you should of dropped it there .......honestly  you have insecurity problems that won't allow you to see past him hurting you when your so far from home and have given up so much . Until you can be the person he fell in love with even long distance ...your both going to keep struggling ...sorry to be so blunt when your hurting . I do wish you the best ...both of you & the youngster also .

Anonymous · Answer

Your first mistake:  Leaving your country to go to another one to live with a man. (If you were that important to him, he would have courted you properly and married you.)  Your rash decision is the cause of your current problems.  He wants you to leave.  Pack your bags and your dignity and leave.  This relationship has run its course.

Jenn W. · Answer

Hi There.  I am soooo sorry that you are having to deal with such a mess.  But my advice to you would be take a few days to yourself and really think about your relationship.  Go over in your head if you can SERIOUSLY let go of what he did.  And if you cant then you need to move on.  TRUST is a VERY VERY important part of a relationship and if you keep questioning it you wont be able to move forward.  You are a human being and you deserve to be happy and live a life with someone that you can trust with all of your heart.  And don't you feel guilty b/c he made the choice to have feelings for someone else.  I understand that you love him and I know that this is hard, but YOU gave up everything to come to live in his country!!!  He should be supportive and loving and understand the BIG change you made.  For him to resent you for feeling lonely and sad is DISGUSTING!!!  And I know from experience b/c a year and a half ago I moved from NJ to IN and I was lonely and missed my home and family and I just moved a few states away.  But my husband is supportive and loving and has done everything he could to make me feel good and safe in a very foreign state.  So please look inside your heart and if you cant let go of HIS mistake, let go of him.

I hope this helped.

GOD BLESS YOU!!!

Anonymous · Answer

your ability to forgive was put to the test and you flunked, he doesnt want to hear about it and i also believe you will always bring it up.
  no matter what you say or do he will do as he pleases.
you might as well pack up and return to the states.
you lost a lot of ground.

? · Answer

unfortunately you may end up resenting him really bad for this, and it might never go away.
you need to ask yourself, do you resent him? will you resent him next year, 2 years,etc...
resentment spoils everything.
if you can let go of it, great, if not then you have to let go of him

Anonymous · Answer

Stop yapping yap yap yap yap yap. I'm sure that would solve some of the problems.

mommy of one · Answer

well sweetie go talk to him and tell him all the things u telling us

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I need to help to save my relationship!?

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