Please give me feedback on a couple chapters of my story?

This story is beginning off very well but I'll save the compliments for later. I'll try and be the awesomest grammar-checking beta dude ever, okay?

triumphantly not triumphily (Mitchell smiles triumphily as his father says, “Atta girl.”)

Try to have the heroine have a strong backbone. It may have been a bestseller, but Twilight's Bella definitely was contributing to it.

Don't make her too grouchy with her parents, this is a nice balance you have, just make her appreciate them more. Make sure she acts like a kid.

But besides that, this is really great, I love it! Seriously, nice plot, nice characters. Make sure we get to know Mitchell and Emily (Just curious...did you get that out of Disney actors? That's cute.) and what they're like. Character development is perhaps the most important key to a good book. I think of Harry Potter for example to compare your story in terms of character development. It starts off as nothing - really very little. And then as it goes on you discreetly learn a million things about the characters. Maybe - just a suggestion - they can talk to each other later about struggles and their life overall. Maybe Mitchell's life isn't all that great and Emily can be there for him. They sit in his bed. Emily chuckles, Mitchell asks why, Emily says "Great, I'm in bed with a complete stranger." (But they're not actually DOING anything in bed) and Mitchell laughs and says that they're not total strangers, Emily says they barely know each other dramatically and they go on taking turns asking questions about each other. The questions turn up small ( what's your middle name? Favorite color?) and then transform to something big ( What's your ambition, don't phrase it like that though!)

It was an awesome few chapters and I'm glad I had the opportunity to read it, hope this helps and good luck! Write on!

I want to like this piece, I do. The story would be good for a preteen demographic. I get that you're trying to add humor and it could work but your formatting is on the less desirable side. Try taking the parenthesis out and adding more descriptive words other than thing or thingy. Even children at the age of 11 or 12, though their minds are still wrapped up in fantasy and sci-fi, do have a decent comprehension. Most children at that time can read on a high school reading level so treat them like mini adults and give them rich text. Another point I want to make is that on average a book has pages that hold 250 to 300 words. At the moment I'm finding you have just over 900 words. I'll give you the extra page because you said you were close to the end, but even if you had 4 pages thats a short amount of time to grab the reader because a child will only see the 4 pages as 2 (front and back of a page). I'd aim for ten pages for the first chapter, giving you 5 front and back. This will give the reader time to get wrapped into the story and thus read the entire book. As for the title I'd need to know more about the book before trying to suggest a good one.

I like it so far. i read all of it. My favorite part was the part with the phycic girl. That was a surprise, it was refreshing. I think it has a lot of potential if you keep going the way you are and not turn it into so many of the mindless teen romance novels we see today. I really did enjoy this though. My suggestion would be to keep doing what you are doing. And what the central theme for it could be like how fate is inevitable something you cant fight or change. Good job!