what is the funniest story that: has ever happened to you/you ever told/you ever heard?

A guy dials his home phone number from work

A strange woman answers.

The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

"Uh... is this 555-4821?"

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A man checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his

room,so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally

typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent

the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from

her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting

messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed

into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen

which read:

To : My Loving Wife

Subject : I've Arrived

Date: May 27 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,

and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived

and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your

arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is

as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It is darn hot down here !!

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A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn

to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to

instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the

basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet,

she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so

beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this.

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was

to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and

was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about

half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know!

Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting

to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned

off the big fan!"

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there were 3 men stranded on an island. all of the explore it and find a magic lamp, which they rub and find a genie. "Ah...Thank you for rubbing my lamp! You each will get one wish!"

the first man says "i wish i was at home with a cup of root beer." POOF! he disappears.

the second man says "i wish i was home with my wife and kids."

POOF! he disappears.

the third man got lonely so he said "i wish those guys came back!"

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A blond walks into a doctors office listening to a ipod. He asks her to take the head phones out shes say no i will die.And he says no you wont.They go on like this for awhile till she takes them off.Moments later she dies.The doctor wants to find out why.He listens to her ipod and hears Breath in breath out breath in breath out.

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There is a blonde, a brunette, and red head. there is also a magic mirror that you can only tell the truth in to. if u tell a lie then," BOOM!" you are gone. the red head said, "I think that i am the strongest woman in the world." BOOM! She is gone. the brunette then says, "I think i am the smartest woman in the world." BOOM! She is gone. the blonde says, "I think..." BOOM! She is gone!

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A boy from a poor catholic family ask's his mother for a new bicyle. She explains to him that they canot afford one for him right now but tells him he should write a letter to baby jesus and ask him.

The boy heads to his room and starts thinking of what he should say. "Dear baby jesus, if you get me a new bicycle I promise to be good for a whole year." Knowing that he could never be good for a whole year he throws away the letter. He looks around the room and finds a statue of the Virgin Mary. He takes the statue and puts it in the closet. He then starts a new letter. "Dear baby jesus, if

Im british paki (mirpuri) Nobody really eats onions like? :s But yeah most of them things we do haha Also - leave plastic on remote control - go to relatives house and they dont let you stop eating - you find out how tight somebody is by how much eidhi (eid money) they give haha - your parents dont like you hanging around with some people because they are "lofhar" haha - you only go pakistan on holiday - your dad and uncles always talk about new business ideas like they are on the apprentice (uk tv show) - your house is too packed on eid that you and your cousins and all the kids (yeah all 50 of them) be sat on the stairs or stood in the passage - when relatives come around your dad and other men think they are kings and make you put all food down and pick them up when they are done - your friends call everyone else racist but they are racist as fu*k and you dont realise - you live in a area which is 90% pakistani

This happened at a major Australian University , during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in sem*n. A young woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male sem*n as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that's correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat'!!!.

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Ok so this one time me and my cousin were EXTREMELY Bored so we painted our faces like kittens and went to the park.(Just for fun). And well my cousin saw some girls she knew from her school and they were sitting in a chair at the park. Well, my sandal came off and i had to go back and get it. Then, out of nowhere I REALLY Had to pee And i couldnt walk any longer so i just stood there trying to hold it. And while my cousin was REALLY Embarrased .. Ahah

Not that funny sorry !!

This is what I' ve ever heard while ago about sex joke

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well i was walking in the park with some of my buddies when we walked past a girls baseball turnament going on in the feild right near the park. As we were walking past the baseball comes over the fence and lands right near my feet. I like to think of my self as sortof macho, especially infront of all of thoes girls and my buddies. so i pick up the ball and through it back towards the feild, then as i turn away i hear the whole baseball team of girls start laughing. So i turn back and see that the ball had hit the fence and roled back towards me. The sad thing was that i wasn't even that far away from the fence and it was only like 4 feet tall. After i had realised i had hit the fence i started to run away from the laughing team of girls

About 3 years ago my I was a freshamn, Me and my friend were boored over spring break and decided to play with hlighter fluid in our basement. We filled a rubbing alcohol bottle halfway up and laid it on its side, lighting the top. It was borring so i stomped on it. 20 feet of flames erupted and both my shoes caught on fire. While i was stomping around trying to douse my shoes my friend was frantically running around yelling **** **** **** **** **** and looking for something to put out the inferno. After my shoes were sxtinguished we found a bigass rug and put uit over the fire multiple times. Then the fire alarm went off (this was on a military base and we were in apartment basement) so we sprinted out and found my little brother standing there. "Someone lit the basement on fire!!" I yelled and we all sprinted up to our house. 2 fire trucks, 3 police ars, and 2 ambulances came and we never got caught :) Ill remember it for as long as i live

how about i went to may car to start cold outside to warm up i smelled dog poo i get out go back into my house see dog poo on my shoe i go outside to clean off go back to my car to put something in car and step in the same pile of dog poo that was outside my car

Boy1:Meet my wife Tina

Boy2.Oh! I know her

Boy1:How?

Boy2:v were caught sleeping together

Boy1:What the hell?

Boy2.during lecture in maths class

Think +ve:)

Erick: i love you Anne...

Anne: Im sorry... i love Erick...