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Writing excerpt -- thoughts and opinions?
Thoughts and opinions? Please be considerate and kind... I'm very self-conscious about my writing, and this is simply for fun.
/Sentences written in this format symbolize italics and past occurences./
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The item was hidden beneath Riley's shirt, but the familiar shape was outlined in the thin fabric and easily distinguishable. I felt a smile tug at the corners of my lips and my hand immediately lifted to my own pendant, dangling from a copper chain that hung around my neck.
For a moment, I simply toyed with the small pendant that was my constant companion, a slight smile still gracing my features. After a while of inspecting the charm, I realized Riley was watching me carefully, a knowing smile causing his eyes to lighten perceptibly. “You know, I hardly ever take this off...” I whispered, lightly.
“Me neither... Only when I have to...” he offered as he lifted a hand to his own necklace and examined it carefully. “That was four years ago...”
I mumbled as I returned my attention to the small, but significant, object. Suddenly, I was assaulted with memories of this cherished item – my acorn pendant, given to me on my fourteenth birthday, directly from Riley.
Salem, New Jersey was well known for two things – it's relation to the Hebrew term meaning 'peace' and it's large Salem Oak tree. Riley was enthralled by anything related to that tree – the way it towered above all the rest, the way the colors would change from a vibrant green to burnt amber, even the acorns that fell from that specific tree were treasured by him.
For my fourteenth birthday, Riley was dead set on getting me something significant – something that would have a distinct symbolism and meaning. In attempt at achieving this goal, he had two necklaces custom made at a local Jewelry shop, and he made damn sure that every detail was adhered to. Mine was a copper acorn coupled with golden and bronze speckles that shone under proper lighting, my initials engraved into the back along with the year. His was nearly identical, but instead of an acorn, his was an Oak leaf. I could still hear his enthusiastic tone as he presented the gifts, eagerly explaining the importance and correlation of the two pendants.
/“They're suppose to symbolize strength and protection, Sammie... You'll always be my best friend.”/
I could also remember the tone of my voice as I teased him, staring down at the acorn in absolute adoration.
/“I'm the acorn, Riley? The baby?” I smirked, letting him know that I was only playing./
/His gaze lightened, his gray eyes shining with excitement and happiness as his smile grew impossibly larger. “Well... You are seven months younger than me,” he said, indifferently – his tone contradicting his facial expression./
I knew that he was only teasing – that the real reason I had gotten the acorn rather than the leaf was because, when I was younger, I had loved to collect them. Acorns were one-of-a-kind and they had always reminded me, distinctly, of myself. They intrigued me, and Riley knew this small fact for one simple reason...
/“I love acorns, Rye...” I said, disregarding his previous comment as I toyed with the necklace./
/“I know...”/
And he did.
Riley knew everything about me.
I could even remember the warmth that had consumed me at his words – the way I smiled and pulled him into a tight embrace while simultaneously confessing my adoration of the meager item. It was the best gift I'd ever gotten, and even now, my most valued and worshiped belonging.
3 Answers
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavorite Answer
Warning: It's unfortunate that you're self-conscious, because I tend to be blunt in my reviews. Just remember that I'm only pointing out your mistakes for your own benefit. You have to learn from these things. I'll give you your praises after I give you your corrections.
-First sentence: the word "recognizable" would work better than "distinguishable"
-You're repeating the word "smile" too often
-" “Me neither... Only when I have to...” he offered as he lifted a hand to his own necklace and examined it carefully. “That was four years ago...” "
There's no need to use ellipses. Just make them periods. Also, "he offered"; wrong word choice, I think. He's not offering anything before or during his dialogue. Finally, the pendant was under his shirt, so he'd have to pull it out before he could examine it.
-"I was assaulted with memories..." Assaulted has a negative connotation, the pendant is a symbol of strength and protection, as well as the implied meanings of trust and friendship. Unless you had a specific reason for using that word, I suggest choosing a nicer one.
-I'm not convinced that your use if italics is warranted. I know that it's not necessary, since you can just change the verb tense instead, but I'm not sure if it's actually considered wrong or not.
-"It was the best gift I'd ever gotten"
Gotten = received.
Your grasp of the language is very good, and I think you have the beginnings of a good story here. Most of the things I corrected above were very small issues, mostly related to grammar and diction. I have nothing bad to say about your style (with the possible exception of the italics. I still see no reason for them to be there), flow, or creativity. So overall I think I'd give this a 7.5/10, or in other words it's pretty good for a young writer. Keep going with this, and don't let people's corrections/crits get you down. When people tell you that something was done wrong, or that it could be done in a better way, it's not a personal insult, just a suggestion to help you learn and grow. And grow you will, so long as you keep practicing.
- Anonymous5 years ago
I enjoyed it when I read through it. It flows well and has good grammar. It didn't seem choppy at all and the only uncertain part I can think of is the first line which I only saw after I skimmed through it again. Should it be 'deeper' against?

