the problem with me is that i am not able to attend social gathering and not able to express my self properly?

Dear Chetan,

On many occasions of your life, you must have had experienced offensive remarks about yourself – pertaining especially to your physique

You must have felt angry and helpless in situations where people passed remarks about your physical attributes.

It is not that you intentionally wanted to be overweight or enjoy being so, but still and somehow for no fault of yours - you were being punished for being obese – by having to listen to and tolerate the ugly comments of others who never knew why you have become overweight in the first place and still more never even cared to know how you feel when they speak about your physical attributions

Such rude comments coming from people close to you like your friends and relatives must have left you with nobody around to share your frustrations with – Other than yourself – Thus you chose to remain aloof and avoid people – after all nobody enjoys being humiliated again and again …

Every time you went out in social gathering, the only thoughts that occupied your mind must have been

What could they be thinking of my body?

They must be laughing at my overweight body and size?

Now they will make a fun out of me? I will be ridiculed… People will laugh at me… What should I do? How should I protect myself from being insulted again…

Such and many more questions must have bombarded your mind and when you were engaged in this self talk –

So when you must have missed paying attention to what was being spoke to you - you must have faltered for a reply thus causing more embarrassment for you

Such bad experiences must have influenced you to choose to avoid going to any social gathering – where there are people who cannot accept you the way you are – But, who judge you, not for what you are but on the basis of their own choices and preferences

Every time somebody spoke to you – you must have got cold chills in your body – Your mind must have started apprehending another rude comment on your body – thus leaving you with very little time span to reciprocate to the person talking to you, thus making them feel that you can not talk.

Such a behaviour on your part must be creating doubts in your mind – about your own abilities

Although you work hard physically your mind does not synchronise with your intentions of executing your plans because it has not so far come out the trauma it has gone through after being humiliated so many times on so many occasions.

When the mind is going through such turbulence it becomes more difficult to concentrate on anything external that is why you must be experiencing difficulties in concentration

I invite you to consider this thought and see if it appeals to you;

In every relationship a person has his own preferences while appreciating, rejecting, relating or dissociating with the other person

If a person does not appreciate you for what and how you are – it is only a matter of his preference –

This does not mean that you are a incapable person. You definitely have other abilities and qualities in you - which are make you unique in this world.

At the age of 23 you are already have created a plan for your life, and are also looking forward to become an IAS officer – this reflects that you are person of very good intelligence and intellectual abilities. You also are very strong in your determination and also much focused in achieving the goals of your life. You have not let such setbacks prevent you from charting out such a great plan for yourself.

I am sure with the passing of a little more time, you will realise that you don’t have to judge yourself on the acceptance or rejection of others – once you accept yourself the way you are without being judgemental about your physical attributes - you will come across people who will accept you for what you are and you will find a way to handle all the issues of your life

Ravi

There are many things you can achieve in life. If you take a closer look you will notice you have achieved 23 years of life already, and in that time, you must have learnt something, loved something, enjoyed something, made something or accomplished something. This doesn't have to mean you have cured cancer, it can be anything from coming a place in sports, winning a chess competition, enjoying your role on a debating team, creating something, cooking something, you might enjoy the outdoors or be an indoors person. The limits are endless. You really need to think about what things make you happy and what you enjoy doing. Then immerse yourself in it. You will find a lot of people who enjoy similar things and this will be a fantastic window of oppurtunity for opening up social situations. You will find it easier to talk to people who not only love the same things, but understand what you mean and where your coming from. There is nothing worse than trying to talk to someone about a true interest, only to find out they have no interest in that or you.

Another method you should try, in the cases of talking to people out of your regular social group is understanding people and what they like. Taking a genuine interest in others is a great way to build a conversation. You can do this by becoming the question asker. If you watch carefully, you will notice that people love talking about themselves, so if you ask them about themselves they will kick off talking about their lives and this will help you open conversations. If for example you ask "so what do you do for a living?" they will generally respond yapping on about it for several minutes, and all you need to do is listen and take in the information. If they seem bothered by the question or give a short reply then they probably do the job for money and not interest (in other words have no interest talking about it). If they yabber on about it for a while, then it is safe to make up more questions from the response they give you. This will not only increse the amount of time the converstaion lasts, but decreases the amount of time you need to talk as well.

Your body image seems to be a problem i see. You wouldn't have mentioned it, unless you felt that your weight was an issue in social situations. I know it is not easy to lose weight, so im not going to suggest you just go lose some. But you can do small things to make yourself feel better about the way you look. Take time to dress well, smell nice and be clean. I honestly would rather talk to an overweight interesting person who smells nice and takes pride in themselves, than to be around a thin person who smells and looks dirty.

The only other advice i can give you is social anxiety of others making fun of you is very common and i can assure you it wont happen as often as you think. The only time i can see it happening is when you talk about a topic which you have no idea about to those who do. And to that all i can say is it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. LOL, what i do is, if someone comes up to me and starts a conversation about something i have no knowledge or interest in then i once again become the question asker. For example sports, i know nothing so id respond with a question such as "why do you follow that team" or "how well are they doing?" etc. Hope i helped and didnt carry on too long.

dear what was happening to you is not the new thing,as u said u are of 23 yrs old,u hav to recognise that u r not a sinior citizen right now ,who wishes to have knowledge and experiences of all types.consider the following points for yur personality devlopment:

1.Dont let anyone talk more than you on any matter, whether you are wrong or right,prove wrong thing as right and dont let anyone prove you wrong when u r right.

2.read the news papers or surf at website to collect knowledge,so that u have the material with you to argue with others.(it will also help u in civil services exams)

3.start talking more and more with your family members then yur friends and then strangers.

4.most important thing, never ever think that you are not special ,just think that ,you are born here to rule others not to be ruled by others....

and last but not lest the look of body have nothing to do with the personality of person,once you succeed in your goal , others will follow your way of living.

dont be afraid my friend , gandhi ji kaun se smart the,all these negetive thoughts should be removed from mind and then you see the world is yours.

all the best

You need some guidance in your life. You need to find a passion and pursue it because by pursuing it, opportunities of all aspects of life will open up to you. This includes social gatherings. Perhaps getting a job in a field you like will help you discover some people whom you can relate to and become closer with. Hanging out with people helps with your social skills, and by doing this more often, you will only improve. You must gain self confidence first however. Starting out with little things such as working on your appearance--if it is important to you--will help you feel better about yourself. Once you have some sort of confidence, go out and talk to those you work around--but only make an effort to those YOU feel comfortable around. It is a true fact that you can express yourself more easily with those you feel comfortable around because you are not so anxious of what they are thinking of you.

At the first sign of one, employ an ANTI PANIC ATTACK breathing technique. Advice from a published psychiatrist on controlled breathing: (1.) Get a clock, or watch with a second timer. (2.) Practise for 5 minutes, 4 times daily, until proficient. (3.) Take a small breath in, and hold it, for 6 seconds. (4.) Think to yourself: "RELAX", just before breathing out. (5.) Try to feel a sense of releasing tension, as you breathe out. (6.) Breathe in for 3 seconds, then out, for 3 seconds.

Try to make your breathing very smooth, and light, as you breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth, or nose. (7.) For the next minute, continue to breathe in, and out, every 3 seconds. (8.) Go back to step 3, at the end of the minute, and proceed through to step 7, doing this for 5 minutes. Use this at the very first sign of a panic attack starting, or any time you feel anxious, or tense. Similar, but simpler advice, from a clinical psychologist is to breathe in to the count of 3: (one thousand one; one thousand two; one thousand three) each takes around a second to say to yourself, in your mind, and out to the count of 3.

View the posts about panic, study tips, and social anxiety at http://your-mental-health.8m.com/blank_25.html and pages E, H, & P.

get yourself into shape and carry yourself well ..it will automatically boost our confidence....