The (redneck) Night After Christmas?

'Twas the night after Christmas

and all through the trailer,

the beer had gone flat

and the pizza was staler.

The tube socks hung empty,

no candies or toys,

and I was camped out

on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking

to me or my wife,

the worst Christmas, they said,

that they'd had in their life.

My wife couldn't argue

and neither could I,

so I watched TV

and my wife, well, she just cried.

When out in the yard

the dog started barkin',

I stood up and looked

and I saw ol' Sheriff Larkin.

He yelled, "Roy, I am sworn

to uphold the laws,

and I got a complaint here

from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know

nobody named Claus,

and you ain't taking me in

without probable cause."

Then the Sheriff, he said,

"The man was shot at last night."

I said, "That might have been me,

just what's he look like?"

The Sheriff replied,

"Well he's a jolly old feller,

with a big beer gut belly,

that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

"He sports a long beard,

and a nose like a cherry."

I said, "Sheriff, that sounds like

my wife's sister, Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes, Roy,"

the Sheriff, he said.

"The man I'm describing

is dressed all in red.

"I'm here for the truth now,

it's time to come clean.

Tell me what you've done,

tell me what you have seen."

Well, I started to lie

then I thought what the hell --

it wouldn't be the first time

I've spent New Years in jail.

I said, "Sheriff, it happened

last night about ten,

and I thought that my wife

had been drinking again."

"When she walked in from work

she was as white as a ghost.

I thought maybe she had seen

one of them UFO's.

"But she said that a bunch of deer

had just flown over her head,

and stopped on the roof

of our good neighbour, Red.

"Well, I ran outside to look

and the sight made me shudder,

a freezer full of venison

standing right on Red's gutter.

"Well, my hands were a shakin'

as I grabbed me my gun,

when outta Red's chimney

this feller did run.

"And slung on his back

was this bag over flowin'.

I thought he stolen Red's stuff

while he was out bowling'.

"I yelled, 'Drop it, fat boy,

put yer hands in the air!'

But he went about his business

like he hadn't a care.

"So I popped a warning shot

right over his head.

But he dropped that bag

and he jumped in that sled.

"And as he flew off

I heard him exhort,

'That's assault with intent, Roy,

I'll see ya in court!'"