Toadly Ossum

So here I am watching these Star Wars movies, and I notice that when Obiwan Kenobe dies, his body evaporates, leaving only his robes. And in another movie, I notice that when Yoda dies, his body evaporates, leaving only his robes. But when Darth Vader dies, Luke has to bring his body back to burn it on a funeral pyre. Now, I would have thought maybe because Darth wasn't a Jedi, but in later movies, he was. And even at the end, his spirit is re-united with the spirits of Yoda and Obiwan. So, is there some kind of special skill needed to die just right, in order to evaporate? Who'd have though the Force was so picky about HOW you die?

So it was on TV the other night and I watched it. Here's what I don't get. At the end of the movie, the Holy Grail cannot pass beyond the Great Seal. Destruction and loss of the Grail was the result of trying. So why was it necessary for some knight to guard it for all those centuries? And why was there an entire cult of members dedicated to fighting and killing to protect it?

Nearly 30 years ago, I was in Calgary, Alberta and watching a movie on TV. It was some private eye movie, and I only tuned in near the end. The PI was shooting it out with some bad guys, and of course, when one of them got hit by a bullet, it bled where they were hit. And then a bullet hit the car, and IT bled. It got so that bullets hitting the building, and even the ground, would bleed where they struck. Definitely weird and I'd like to see the entire movie.

An Irish woman who has no arms or legs? ~ Eileen

How about a Japanese woman with no arms or legs? ~ Irene

Okay, what about a Mexican woman with no arms or legs? ~ Consuelo

So it's 2 o'clock on Tuesday afternoon and Mom has her boyfriend visiting her in the bedroom. What she doesn't know is that 9 year old Johnny is hiding in the closet and watching the action. Suddenly there is a THUMP of a car door in the driveway. Omigod, Dad is home early! Next thing you know, Johnny has company in the closet.

Johnny: Sure is dark in here.

Man: Yep.

Johnny: I've got a basball glove.

Man: That's nice.

Johnny: Wanna buy it?

Man: Nope.

Johnny: My dad's right outside.

Man: How much?

Johnny: $100.

Now it's a week later, Tuesday afternoon, and Mom has here boyfriend over again and Johnny's watching from the closet. Suddenly there's the THUMP of the car door in the driveway. And suddenly Johnny has company in the closet again.

Johnny: Sure is dark in here.

Man: Yep.

Johnny: I've got a baseball.

Man: That's nice.

Johnny: Wanna buy it?

Man: Nope.

Johnny: My dad'sright outside.

Man: How much?

Johnny: $100.

Now it's Saturday and Dad's out in the yard with Johnny.

Dad: Grab your ball and glove and we'll play some catch.

Johhnny: Can't. I sold them.

Dad: Sold them??? For how much?

Johnny: $200.

Dad: $200??? For those old things? That's a terible way to take advantage of your friends. You march right down to church and make a confession to Father Thomas.

So Johnny goes down the street to church. Inside the confessional, he looks around in the dim light.

Johnny: Sure is dark in here.

Father Thomas: Don't start that shít again!

So they could píss and moan at the same time.

So it's a warm, slow day on the ranch, and the rancher tells his wife that he's taking her on a horse & buggy ride through the countryside. Before long, they come to some railroad tracks and the horse stops. Nothing will get the horse moving, so the rancher gets out of the buggy, takes the horse's bridle and leads him across the tracks. Pointing his finger in the horse's face, the rancher says, "That's once!" And he gets back in the buggy, and they're rolling along again.

Pretty soon, they come to a highway and the horse stops, won't move. Nothing the rancher does will get the horse to go, so again he gets out of the buggy and takes the horse by the bridle to lead him across the highway. He points his finger in the horse's face and says, "That's twice!" Then he gets back in the buggy and they're going again.

After awhile, they come to a bridge and the horse stops. The rancher can't get the horse to go. So he gets out of the buggy, points his finger in the horse's face and says, "That's three times!" Then he pulls out his revolver and shoots the horse dead.

As the horse collapses to the ground, the rancher's wife starts screaming at him. "What did you just do? You just shot our horse! I can't believe you did that! How are we supposed to get home? What kind of maniac are you? I can't believe you shot our horse...!"

And the rancher points his finger at her and says, "That's once...!"

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...

"We're down here..."

Or maybe even the very early 1960's. But the plot takes place in London at some archeological excavation discovered in the city. Then it turns out that the exposure of the artifacts causes some revival of demons or aliens that terrorize the city. I thought it was called something like "20 Million Years To Earth" but all I could find was a different one called "20 Million MILES To Earth", about a creature brought back on a space mission to Venus. I'm looking for the one about the excavation.

When God, in Her infinite wisdom, created Woman, she made her with three breasts. It didn't take long for Eve to complain. "God," she beseeched, "you just have to do something. Not only is this uncomfortable, but it looks silly."

So God put Eve into a deep sleep and removed one of the breasts. When Eve awoke, she admired God's work and said, "Ahh, that is SO much better." Then, holding the third breast in her hand, Eve asked, "But what do we do with this useless boob?"

And thus, Man was created.

'Twas the night after Christmas

and all through the trailer,

the beer had gone flat

and the pizza was staler.

The tube socks hung empty,

no candies or toys,

and I was camped out

on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they weren't talking

to me or my wife,

the worst Christmas, they said,

that they'd had in their life.

My wife couldn't argue

and neither could I,

so I watched TV

and my wife, well, she just cried.

When out in the yard

the dog started barkin',

I stood up and looked

and I saw ol' Sheriff Larkin.

He yelled, "Roy, I am sworn

to uphold the laws,

and I got a complaint here

from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know

nobody named Claus,

and you ain't taking me in

without probable cause."

Then the Sheriff, he said,

"The man was shot at last night."

I said, "That might have been me,

just what's he look like?"

The Sheriff replied,

"Well he's a jolly old feller,

with a big beer gut belly,

that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

"He sports a long beard,

and a nose like a cherry."

I said, "Sheriff, that sounds like

my wife's sister, Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes, Roy,"

the Sheriff, he said.

"The man I'm describing

is dressed all in red.

"I'm here for the truth now,

it's time to come clean.

Tell me what you've done,

tell me what you have seen."

Well, I started to lie

then I thought what the hell --

it wouldn't be the first time

I've spent New Years in jail.

I said, "Sheriff, it happened

last night about ten,

and I thought that my wife

had been drinking again."

"When she walked in from work

she was as white as a ghost.

I thought maybe she had seen

one of them UFO's.

"But she said that a bunch of deer

had just flown over her head,

and stopped on the roof

of our good neighbour, Red.

"Well, I ran outside to look

and the sight made me shudder,

a freezer full of venison

standing right on Red's gutter.

"Well, my hands were a shakin'

as I grabbed me my gun,

when outta Red's chimney

this feller did run.

"And slung on his back

was this bag over flowin'.

I thought he stolen Red's stuff

while he was out bowling'.

"I yelled, 'Drop it, fat boy,

put yer hands in the air!'

But he went about his business

like he hadn't a care.

"So I popped a warning shot

right over his head.

But he dropped that bag

and he jumped in that sled.

"And as he flew off

I heard him exhort,

'That's assault with intent, Roy,

I'll see ya in court!'"

'Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the house

The whole damn family

was drunk as a louse

Grandma and Grandpa

were singing a song

And the kid was in bed

flogging his dong

Ma, home from the cathouse,

and me out of jail

Had just crawled into bed

for a nice piece of tail

When out on the lawn,

there arose such a clatter

I jumped out of bed

to see what was the matter

Away to the window

I flew like a flash

Threw open the shutters

and fell on my àss

The moon on the crest

of the new fallen snow

Gave a whorehouse-like luster

to the objects below

When what to my bloodshot

eyes should appear

But a rusty old sleigh and

two mangy reindeer

With a little old driver

just pounding his dick

I knew in a moment,

it must be Saint Nick

Slower than snails

his reindeer they came

He bítched and he swore

as he called them by name

Now Dancer, now Prancer,

up over the walls

Quick now, damn it,

or I'll cut off your balls.

Then up to the roof

he stumbled and fell

And came down the chimney

like a bat out of hell

He staggered and stomped

and went to the door

Tripped on his peter,

and fell on the floor

I heard him exclaim,

as he rode out of sight:

Píss on you all,

it's a hell of a night.

Two nuns from the Vatican were visiting New York City, and were told that they should try some True Americana, the NYC sidewalk hot dog stand. So the nuns ordered 2 hotdogs with the works.

One nun looked down at her hot dog, and then hesitantly asked the other nun, "So... umm... what part of the dog did YOU get...?"

I saw a movie on VHS around 1995. The plot wasn't memorable and I don't care about that. But one scene, there was this high school dance and a kid asked the hot chick for a dance. Being snooty, she not only turned him down, but hard! So he loudly responded, "Then I guess a blowjób is really out of the question."

Funny enough, but even better was another hot chick who heard him and nodded her head to dance with her. I've scanned a lot of teen movies like Zapped, Zapped 2, My Science Project, Weird Science, etc, but none have contained that scene. Any help?

We were having a discussion about Alternative Lifestyles and someone asked what an 80 year old woman would taste like?

And someone else answered, "Depends..."

"Walk the Line"

I keep a close watch on these pants of mine

I keep my pants tied with a piece of twine

I keep myself quite willing to oblige

Because you're mine

Undo the twine!

They're now called the Detroit Tampons,

because they're only good for one period

and they have no second string.

Last night I'm at the bar and and this cute lady talks me into trying her drink. It consists of a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

First, she tells me, put a bit of the salt on my tongue. Okay. Salty, but no problem.

Next, drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth. Smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. Not bad at all.

Finally, slam the lime juice.

All of a sudden, the sharp lime hits!

A second later, the Baileys curdles.

Then, the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits.

Now, it feels like I had a mouth full of nasty snot.

It triggers my gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to make a disgusting scene, I swallow the now foul tasting drink.

Choking it down, I couldn't help saying, "Holy shít, what do you call that?"

She smiles angelically says, "Blöw Jöb Revenge."

Gawd! I'm STILL throwing up!

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice firetruck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Pardner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

So I got into town and it was strangely quiet, hardly anyone around. I found this little bar that was empty except for the bartender.

Me: Where is everyone?

Him: They're all at the hanging for Brown Paper Pete.

Me: Brown Paper Pete? What kind of name is that?

Him: Well, he's called Brown Paper Pete because he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper shirt, and brown paper pants.

Me: No shít? So what are they hanging him for?

Him: Rustling.

Remember those puzzles on Sesame Street? There are 4 items. Three of them are kinda the same, but the 4th one just doesn't belong. Here are the 4 items.

A woman

An egg

A blöwjöb

A drum

Which one doesn't fit?

Okay, here's a hint:

You can beat a drum.

You can beat an egg.

You can even beat a woman if that's your inclination.

But you just can't beat a....