Has this ever happened to anybody who has step children?

It's happened to EVERYONE who's had stepchildren!! I'm so sorry, it's so tough. It's crazy hard. But it sounds like you're at a point where you want to change things, and you can.

You're not his father, but you have a choice to make. Yes, he has his own father. But you know what? His father is not you. YOU are married to his mother, and YOU are going to be the example he lives with in his heart forever as an example of how to form relationships. After all, it was good enough for his mother.

So you're basically showing him that you don't have to care about him- the child of your wife- because someone else already does. That's a terrible, terrible position for the boy to be in, and it's terrible for your wife, and your daughter. Consider for a moment- you're spoiling your daughter on the grounds that she doesn't have two sets of parents. But she has a pair of parents still together. This kid has not one, but two fractured homes! He has his dad's, without mum, and mum's, with a guy who refuses to take him in as one of his own and treat him equally. There's no place right now where he's getting a real family treatment, and that's a terrible place to be in, especially at this age.

My mother remarried, and my "half brother" has been my brother since he was born. It is vitally important for you to decide what kind of family you want to have.

This has nothing to do with what's fair to you, and I"m sorry for that. But this boy needs you, and you can be the best role model he ever had. No, you're not his dad. And you can love him anyway. And for THE REST OF HIS LIFE, he will remember that this man, who had no biological force making him love, stepped up and cared about him anyway.

Being a parent means loving. It means loving when they say bad things, it means loving when they get awkward and angry, it means loving when all you want is to be in charge and make things normal.

Your daughter is also going to grow up watching how you treat people, and if you treat him badly, she'll notice. Eventually, she'll have to decide whether she wants to side with him, or with you- and you don't want to make that choice necessary, no matter who she picks. Same for your wife. You need to be the pillar around whom the family gathers, and that means that YOU are the one who's there for all of them. Always. Even the ones not biologically related to you (including your wife!)

You need to sit down and remind your daughter that what makes you a dad is how you act and what you promise to do, and that yes, you are his dad.

He will not miraculously listen to you. You are, at some point, going to have to sit down with both your wife and her ex, and ask them plainly, "How can I be better at this?" Tell them that you have the same objectives in mind- the boy's well-being. Talk about discipline, and make sure it's consistent across households. Make sure that your expectations of him are the same. Make sure that he knows you are ALL looking out for him, care about him, and love him. Make sure that your daughter knows that love is not a zero-sum game. She's not objecting just to protect you- she's objecting because she's learned at home that he doesn't get fair treatment, and that has to get fixed fast, kindly and firmly, before she absorbs that mindset for real.

You're in a real fix. Step-parenting is one of the hardest games there is (only foster parenting and adoption are in the same rank. It's SO hard.) But resources do exist- lots of them.

http://jfi.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/23/1/1...

People study this a lot, because this is such a huge issue. The consensus seems to be that you can make a huge difference, but only if you work to create a loving family, not try to force one into conventional family molds. Demanding conformity damages stepparent relationships, but if you can make it work, you can be one of the best mentors he ever has in his life. This is huge, and you can do it. Don't try to be a dad- be the best stepdad in the world. He is your daughter's brother, your mother's boy, and part of your life. And you, you are so important that your wife WANTED you in her son's life. You can't replace his dad- but you can be there for him in ways his dad can't, and provide one more good example. You can show your daughter how family really works. Stepfamilies have lots more stress to work out than regular families, but the payoff is higher- you get a kid who knows you CHOSE him. you all get to be more honest about your feelings, about what you want and who you want to be. And your wife gets to know she has someone so good he's good to others for her sake.

If it gets too bad, go to family counselling, and offer to include his father. Make sure he knows you're not replacing his dad, but make sure you have a forum where you can all learn about each other and explore what it's like to be a "blended" family.

Good luck with it, and I hope you can find all the support you need. It's really hard, it's really hard for a long time, but it's such a huge chance for good in all your lives. Stepfathers aren't just "the guy ho's not your dad." He can also be, "This is the guy who looked out for me through ev

So you let your 7 - year - old rule the roost? That says a lot about your character as a man and a father. Tell your daughter that her behavior will not be tolerated. Everyone in the household is a member of the family, and everyone will be treated equally. As others have said, when you married your wife, you married her son as well. It is your responsibility to treat both children equally. No wonder the poor boy doesn't respect you, considering you clearly favor his sister. Treat your step son as if he were your own, and stop letting your daughter get away with mistreating her brother. That's the only way you're going to get peace in the house, short of packing your bags and leaving.

That is really sad that "The boy" doesn't have a soft place to land. You married a women who had a child. It is completely normal for children to test their boundaries with their parents, step and biological. It is your job to show him how to respect adult by exampling that behavior. Sorry to say but it sounds like you are falling short on your part. You obviously don't respect "The boy" so why should he respect you?

If you really want this to work, then you just need to show him that you do respect and care about him. When he says "Your not my dad..blah blah blah" be the bigger person and say something like, "no I am not your dad but I do love and care about you just the same." Just let him know that he is important in your life. Do something special with him. it sounds like he may also be hurt that you show so much more love and attention to your daughter and treat him like second class. Maybe do something fun with him, you might be surprised and find out he is a good kid and fun to be around. If you can't be his dad, then why can't you at least be his friend?

As for your daughter. YOU need to put a stop to her disrespecting her brother, another family member. You want respect from your step-son but then don't demand that others respect him. That is such a double standard! You need to tell her, that even thought I am am not "The boy's" real father is doesn't matter because we are a family all the same." Teaching your daughter to respect people will only benefit her as well, nobody likes spoiled children.

I would suggest some counseling as a family if you really want this to work. It sounds like there is a lot of hurt in the situation. don't expect the boy to come around to you right away either, because is a way you have taught him that he isn't worthy of your love. So get some counseling, treat him with respect, demand that your daughter do the same, and above all just be someone in his life who is there when he needs you.

I suppose it all depends on the ages involved, but in truth, even though you aren't blood related, the entire nature of being a parent, if it's step or not, has nothing to do with sex. If you are in parent mode, then you certainly shouldn't have those types of feelings for your child "Step" or not. If you do have those feelings, you need to get help, it's just not right, and you may not have the self control that you think you do....then you would ruin someone's life, wouldn't you?

Just because you have a step son and at first he resented you, he maybe more interested in being more friendly now. maybe he realizes what a mistake he made to say what he did to you. You should try to be closer to him and treat him as a son. Does it really make a difference that biologically he is not born from you. Time means everything to getting acquainted all over again. Invite your son and daughter to go fishing with you or go as a family. Get closer to him to feel good to him and make him feel wanted as a son should feel. Our son married a girl with two children and he bent over backwards to treat them as his own. He did have a bumpy road when he born their own son and the wife's older children didn't like him the new baby because they lost the activity they had at first with my son. They were jealous. But in time like 10 yrs now it is turned around so much better. It makes a big heartfelt difference when your family can be like a total unit and love one another. I think that is what your 12 yr old boy is wanting now. Give it a good try.

The girl sounds like a brat. This would never be tolerated in my home. Obviously she feels entitled and spoiled to be talking to her brother this way. He's still her brother and is older than her so she needs to start showing some respect. I have a son myself from a previous relationship and I have been with my current boyfriend for 5 years now and living together. He treats him as if he were his own blood. I would feel devastated if my b/f gave another child better treatment just because it was his own blood. And never would I allow a younger sibling to treat her older brother in this disgusting manner. When you married your wife it was a package deal. Sure, he may not be your blood but a true father doesn't have to be. You are family, he didn't ask to be put into that situation. He is your wife's son, and if you love your wife you need to realize that he is as much your son as he is hers.

First of all I can see why he probably doesn't like you all that much, since you referred to him as "the boy" but referred to your daughter as "my daughter" during this whole explanation. If you want him to like you (more), you have to respect him, yes he has his biological father but you also took the responsibility of caring for him when you married his mother. You also need to correct your daughter when she says, “he is not your dad he is mine, got to yours.” You are also his father and both of those kids need to know that. You will never have peace if you treat your daughter better because you're blood related. The relationship with your step-son will most likely get much worse if you don't try to change anything.

Tell your daughter to not say those things. You married your wife, which you should've accepted her son as well. If he's trying to get closer to you, then let him. Maybe he's trying to be nicer to you. You're his step-father, therefore you shouldn't give your biological daughter anymore attention than you give him just because his biological father lives so close. No offense, but that's a little idiotic.

when you married your wife.. you married her son as well. even tho he has his own father you still need to be a father to him and not treat him any differently then you would your daughter.. maybe he acted out in the beginning of the marriage because he was upset that his mom and dad wouldnt be together. and maybe he thought you would try to take the place of his real dad. maybe u should sit him down and see how he feels. let him know you're not tryin to replace his father but you love him as much as you love your daughter.

You cannot let your daughter speak to him this way. It is completely unfair for him to feel like an outsider in his own home. You need to come down on your daughter, hard and immediately! You took on the responsibility for this young man when you married his mother and he deserves better treatment than this.