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How can I improve this first chapter of my story(Critique)?

It was a very miserable gloomy day. The skies were a deep and ugly grey, and the usually beautiful turquoise waters had changed to a dark, mysterious shade of blue. The palm trees swayed in the breeze, but the ocean seemed oddly calm. The only others on the beach were a couple of kids playing on some large rocks near the side. My bare feet hit the soft white sand and I stood there, unsure of what to do next.

Why had I come here anyway? Was I going to go for a swim? The water was probably freezing cold. But it just wasn’t the right day to sit on the beach and soak up the sun. After a few minutes of standing and staring at the glistening ocean I finally decided to go for it. I threw off my shirt and dove in. I was almost instantly paralyzed by the icy water, but I kept swimming. My lungs felt as if they were going to explode and the cuts on my back burned from the salty water. The fiery sensation brought back the memory of last night.

I could suddenly hear my dad’s yelling in my mind. I saw his raging face as he shoved me into the glass cabinet. I could once again feel the sharp shooting pain as the millions of tiny glass splinters went into my back after the glass door shattered under impact.

As I got further from shore I felt my pain gradually fade away, and although the water was intensely cold and the muscles in my arms were screaming in agony, I kept going. I kept going until I felt the absolute need to breathe. It was then that I finally broke through the surface of the water.

My throat burned as I desperately gasped for air. I opened my eyes and the frightening images disappeared. I looked back at the shore and saw that I had gone quite a long way. I suddenly realized why I had come here. It was because I needed those few minutes of numbness, those few minutes of relief. But as soon as it was over, the pain returned, only now it was accompanied by my blazing throat and aching muscles.

I winced at the fact that I would need to swim back, so I instead swam in one spot waiting for my breathing to get under control. I didn’t want to go back to that dreaded house but I knew that I would eventually need to. And the later I got home, the more furious my dad would be.

I turned back and slowly started swimming again. It took a while to reach the sandy beach, mostly because I kept stopping to rest, but when I did I immediately threw on my shirt without drying off and starting running.

My house wasn’t too far from the beach, but I took the long way anyway. It was about six PM so most of the people in town where outside walking, where as they’d usually be on the beach. I noticed a few of my old friends give me some looks that made me feel very unwanted, but I tried my best to ignore them. As if I needed more stuff on my mind.

The bad thing about living in a small town; everyone knows about everything. Most of us don’t even need to watch the news, one person knows and before you know it, everyone knows.

By the time I finally reached my house, which was located in the middle of town, the sun was starting to set. The ugly grey clouds were starting to spread out leaving silver lines across the orange horizon. It was a very beautifully breathtaking scene. By now most of the teens in town were getting ready to go swimming in the night. I used to love doing that, but that was when things mattered.

I slowly opened the door to the house, trying to make as little sound as possible. I was guessing that my dad was sleeping by now and waking him up would only make him more enraged.

I gently closed the door behind me and headed upstairs to my room.

“Cody?” the voice made me stop dead in my tracks.

“Yeah”

“Where have you been?” he asked.

I looked over my shoulder to see my dad sitting in the large green arm chair in the corner of the tiny living room.

“I went for a swim.” I answered.

“What are you stupid? It looks like it’s about to rain out there.” My dad laughed that laugh that made my spine curl.

Don’t let it get to you, I told myself.

“It was pretty hot, I needed to cool off.” I said ignoring his comment.

My dad shook his head looking at the TV.

“Your useless.” He said simply.

Something inside of me snapped.

“Says the one sitting on his *** doing nothing.” I growled.

My dad turned to look at me. For a second I saw the hot anger flash through his eyes, but then his face surprisingly composed and he turned back to the TV.

“Get upstairs.” He ordered.

I was about to say something more, but before I did, I stopped myself. I shook my head and ran up the stairs to my room, making sure to lock my door.

3 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    First sentence, "very" is redundant and pedestrian - take it out and insert a comma between the two adjectives. You may even want to consider other words because those are so commonplace. In the next sentence, lose the double-adjective effect that worked so well in the first and combine into one word that says it all - perhaps, "The skies were a tombstone gray..." You get the idea...

    Next, you mention "waters," but you don't specify which ones. The ocean? The hotel pool? Instead of saying what they changed to, perhaps personify the water itself. Example: the normally sparkling turquoise waters had saddened/other verb here..."

    Besides some minor aesthetics, I think the flashback effect is good. I think you could inject a bit more description of the town and perhaps even talk about the way it looked on that bleak day. I also like the occasional vacation you take from the plot where you describe the setting.

    The one incongruity is that the reader's first encounter with the father contradicts the violent description of him at the beginning. The last sentence may stir the reader a little, but I think an addition at this point could really help to set the stage. Perhaps you could mention how the character reaches for the 2 x 4 propped up against the wall next to the door and carefully wedges it under the dented/battered/besieged/assaulted knob. Something along those lines could really help to emphasize how that mild encounter with the father wasn't quite the end of it.

    Good luck. Contact me if you like this and want some more help.

    martinsway11@yahoo.com

  • Anonymous
    5 years ago

    turns out pleasant to me, even though it isn't fairly lengthy adequate for a bankruptcy the only factor i did not like used to be the 'Francisca Anne Cawly' bit. it insects me while writers do that when you consider that it does not sound like anything any individual could honestly say if they are yelling at any individual. it appears extra just like the creator is simply looking to discover someplace to slot in this information. so i would reduce out the center title if i had been you lol with the Jessie bit :]

  • 1 decade ago

    WOW! That;s all I can say. It's REALLY good! I like realistic fiction. The description is impressive (Note: maybe better than mine . . .). I liked the plot. Give me more.

    Email is kahlanpotter@yahoo.com

    Source(s): My Awesomeness
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