I have a few jokes....Have you got any?

Question

Four beautiful ladies walked into a hotel to stay in for the night, the name of the hotel read, “Pleasure Giving Hotel For Women” The ladies were convinced and walked in.

On the first floor a sign read, ‘the men on this floor are not good at having sex, but are very gentle and very tempting’.

The ladies were not satisfied and they walked to the second floor which a sign read, ‘the men on this floor are good at having sex but are very rude and self-considerate’

The ladies were once again not satisfied and went on to the third floor where a sign said, ‘There are nothing wrong with the men on this floor, they’re good at having soft sex they are very nice, gentle and hot’ the four ladies were tempted to go in but decided to go to the last floor to see what was in it.

When they got there they saw a sign that said, "There is absolutely no one on this floor, this floor was just made to show that there is no way to please a woman




so one day a teacher thought that she was clever and asked her class "If you think you are an idiot please stand up" nobody stood up. After a couple of minutes someone stood up.The teacher asked "now why do you think your an idiot?" the student simply answered "well i don't think I'm an idiot." The teacher asked "then why did you satnd up?" the student replied "well I hate to see you standing up there all alone."





A young man marrying a redhead asked his father for some marital advice. The father said, "Just remind her who wears the pants in your family." The evening arrived, the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here put these on." She did and said "I don't fit into these." "That's right!" he said, "and don't you forget who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He looked at them and said, "I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right - and you won't until your attitude changes!"





A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "







So a boy and a girl are walking home from school and the boy says to the girl "do you want to come over?" The girl answers by saying no, that her mom always told her not to go into a strangers house. The boy responds, "it's okay we're not really strangers, common, nothing will happen just come inside." So the girl agrees and they go inside his house. Next the boy asks the girl to come up to his room. She says "My mom always told me not to go into a boy's room when his parent's aren't home." The boy explains that everything will be ok and convinces her to go up. The boy and the girl are now in the room and he says "It's hot. Let's take off our shirts." The girl is uneasy about this and does not want to, but once again the boy convinces her to do it. The kids are now topless but the boy is still hot so he tells the girl they should take off their pants. Of course, the girl does not want to but is convinced once again. Next the boy says "Close your eyes, I want to touch your bellybutton with my finger." The girl proceeds to close her eyes. After the boy touches her she then says "That's not my bellybutton." and the boy responds "and that's not my finger."







A woman was making breakfast?
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You ' re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They ' re going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you ' re cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don ' t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don ' t know how to fr

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION..'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ***' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'TROUSER CLEAVAGE
 
 
 
 
The Lord and the Harley rider
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a Woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'
Have a great day!




 RISQUÉ RIDDLES
 
Q.. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
 
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in -law backing off a cliff in your new car.
 
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
 
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
 
Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
 
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
 
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
 
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
 
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
 
Q.. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
 
Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
 
Q. Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.
 
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
 
Q.. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
 
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
 
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs. 
  
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
 
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
 
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
 
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
 
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A.. They don't have balls to scratch!
 


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Oklahoma '

And they say blondes are dumb... 
----------------------------------------------- 



 A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.' 
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...' 




-----------------------------------------------------------

? · Answer

LOL these are so funny

okay so ive got dumb blond jokes so...

yeah

here's my fave

so a blond goes to a bank and asks for a 3 million dollar loan for a 3 month vacation. The bank says sure but they will need compensation to make sure she pays them back. She gives them her cherry red Ferrari and leaves for vacation. While she was away, the bank finds out that she is a millionaire and didn't need any money. When she gets back she gives back the 3 million plus 21 dollars of interest and gets her car back. Before she leaves they ask her "why did you borrow money from us if you have all the money you need?" the blond replied "It was the only place I could store my car for three months for $21 and still expect it to be there when I get back"

*smart blond joke*

Anonymous · Answer

Ohmygosh, those were hilarious!  Here is a few for you...

An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal... 

Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ? 

The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"! 

He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"

The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.

x

Wee Hughie was dying. 

Tenderly, his wife Maggie knelt by his bedside and asked, "Anything I can get you, Hughie?" 

"No" He replied. 

"You must have a last wish, Hughie?" asked his wife. 

Faintly, came the answer. . . "A wee bit of of that boiled ham over yonder would be nice" 

"Ach, man... you can't have that" said Maggie, "You know it's for the your funeral". 

x

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. 

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." 

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." 

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. 

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. 

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " 

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!!."

---

Anonymous · Answer

Hahaha, I like that matchstick part.
You want some jokes, eh?
Go to:
www.cleanjoke.com
www.coolblondejokes.com

They have some good jokes.

Chraky · Answer

Wow you must have been bored.

? · Answer

hahhahahahahhahahahha


hehehhehehehehehhehehehe


huhuhuuhuhuhuhuhuhuuhuhuhuhuh


alll are very very funny and Hilarious
 I give you five gold star********************

GFood keep it up..

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I have a few jokes....Have you got any?

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