My hubby to be and I are arguing about house shopping. How can I solve the issue?

"I'm not going to budge and move into a house I hate." Isn't a very "compromising" phrase.

While I completely understand your pain of trying to negotiate the purchase of a house together, you need to consider ALL options even if it doesn't suit your personal desires, and find realistic and logical reasons against the idea instead of throwing it off the table because YOU don't want to hear of it...

Suggestion. Is strictly approach the idea of buying and updating the inlaws home.

Voice your concerns, and honestly explain why you are concerned with his enthusiasm and previous lack of following through on home improvements as an example. Work to break down costs, and ask him to join you in finding out what you would have done, and what costs would be incurred for materials and labor for a contractor to complete, as well as a timeline to complete ALL improvements.

Approach this as if it is going to happen and agree with him that when all the details have been laid out to approach the topic again on a logical basis with no personal opinions or emotional desires involved.

If you are right, then the time and money to bring the home to the standards you BOTH can agree to will be astronomically higher and leave him no choice but to agree with looking into other options. If he is right, then you will feel more comfortable with how the plan will work out and the home will become something for you to be proud of and happy with...

Play on his side, and see where the facts lead you both...

Enlarge doors suitable for children? I understand bathrooms and rooms but doorways? That sounds a little extreme don't you think? How big does a doorway need to be for a child? I have two children and the doorways in my house were the least of my concern. You keep saying how you hate the house and how ugly it is, are you sure that isn't the reason you don't want it versus the actual work that it may take? Maybe if you do a little research on a few different companies to get an estimate that it will take to fix the major things that will need to be done and show it to him he may rethink it. Just tell him that neither one of you have the time or the knowledge to do it yourselves the right way and it will have to be hired out to get done. Be sure to point out that those costs are just for the major things such as the flooring, which is the most important as well as the structure and the roof. Those are the just some of the safety areas. What about the wiring? You will need to have that looked at as well. If they built the house themselves, that would be a concern. I am not saying that they didn't do it the right way just that wiring codes have changed over the years and if it doesn't pass an inspection then it will be hard to get home owners insurance. The furnace and water heater are the next in line and many people don't think about those things. All of what I have listed are just the big repairs the really cost and there are many,many little things as well. But you need to look into the major ones first.

I can tell you aren't good with money. All you see is what you want. It sounds like you are VERY spoiled.

If you were smart... you would buy the house and make a few minor, low cost upgrades so that the house value increases beyond what it's real price would be. In a few years, sell that house using the equity and get the house the you like.

Start with making a profit and work toward your dream home. Doing it this way might save you 10's of thousands of dollars and shorten the mortgage payment on your dream house.

Go get a Realtor and ask them what you can do to build equity in his parents house that wont take a ton of money or time. Small changes can sometimes yield a big return.

Let's just say that you are getting the house for 20k less than what it should sell for. You invest 5k and add another 20k in value. Also, the house has increased in value by 3%. This could be a net profit of 50K.

Are you really so spoiled that you won't take a few years to net 50k toward your dream home?

If you were really smart, you would do this 4 times and have a REALLY nice house that is paid for within 10 years.

Or, you could whine, get the house you want right now and spend 30 years paying for mostly interest.

If you aren't emotionally mature enough to delay gratification, then live with huge debt and never grow up.

You wrote: "...I absolutely hate the house..."

End of the conversation.

Your husband needs comparison shopping to see that the one he's interested in is a clunker. The way to do that is to take him clothes shopping and pick out the buck-ugliest clothes for him to look at. As he resists more and more against buying or wearing fru-fru items or a business vest with fringe on it (in lime green, I'm sure), you can mention that there are many other clothing pieces to look at. You can also repeat over and over that he surely won't want to buy some clothes until he finds some he likes and can compare to the uglier clothes.

You can do the same with shoes, paintings, cars - anything that would make him resist the purchase because of the appearance or need for alteration to suit his needs. While his in that resistance mode, have a serious talk with him about your need to also comparison shop for a house.

Hopefully, he'll see the light. Remind him that a house where you really don't want to live doesn't have a furnace powerful enough to warm the frosty air that would be present for the next twenty years, and a home you'd both love is the smart investment.

Remember, hubby - it's business, not personal. Do not buy a house on emotion. Buy it because it suits your *needs* and if you like it, so much the better.

Good luck.

- Stuart

Hmm. Cheap starter house with another baby on the way or really insanely expensive house that would be harder to afford after having another child...

I think you should consider the in-laws deal - it's a great way to start off home ownership without putting yourselves in a pickle. It's not like you can't sell it down the road and build your own home then.

If you must insist on finding another home - go shopping for a house that would cost EXACTLY the same as the in-laws and show him what the benefits would be in purchasing one that you like...

Like it or not - in this economy - with more kids planned - sometimes you gotta take something a little less in order to get ahead in the future.

Add: He isn't your husband - so if he, as a single adult male, wants to purchase his parents house and finance it all in HIS name. Let him go for it...at least he's trying to give his girlfriend and a child a decent place to live...

Let's get down to the basics.

You're both paying, right? 50/50?

Then you must decide together, and whatever house you decide on must be in both your names.

If he's buying alone, then go with it, and make the best of it. You can turn the house into a home, no matter how ugly it is.

If you're paying alone, then you get to decide, but don't make an issue of it.

Whatever the case is, don't make a big deal out of it to HIM. Men don't like ultimatums or direct resistance. Be wise and gentle and all will come right in the end.

Yikes, tough one.

The only reason I wouldn't suggest that YOU compromise is the future sale-ability of this house that you say is so poorly done. If it truly is, you might end up taking a loss on a future sale...

You're going to have to be gentle but firm on this. You don't want to alienate either your husband or your inlaws.

You may have to take it upon yourself to find a better solution...a house that works for you and will not cost more than the offered discount on his parent's place.

Not sure what else would work...

hummmmmmmm...

If this was going to be a temporary situation.. like a "starter" home.. id say go for it.. move in to this house for well under market value.. make some upgrades.. and when the market bounces back, sell the house for a larger profit then what u paid for it.. and get the house "you" both will enjoy..

But im thinking once he's in, he's not leaving, he's too attached to the fact that this is the house he grew up in, and because he's to attached to his past its making it hard for him to grow up and move on.. with out knowing how old he is.. its hard to say if he will eventually mature, and become less attached once he does mature..

A house doesnt make a family or a marriage.. and im wondering if this is a big enough issue that u'd allow something superficial destroy your marriage if it came down to it.. i agree you should be happy with where u live.. i understand this is not your ideal home.. but if u can get it down enough to where ur payments are low enough to where u can save the money and make this house into "YOUR HOME" and pay contractors to do it instead of relying on your husband to get around to it.. id say do it.. and perhaps eventually he'll grow up and be able to detach his past from his future..

If i was in your situation.. id do my research.. find out what homes in that area go for now a days, id figure out if the "discounted price is actually just that" id go to zillow.com put in the address and see where ur standing.. if they want just barely under what the house is worth.. id fight to get much lower.. basically make your morgage as low as possible.. then id make sure that my inlaws understood that if you take over the house, that its YOUR house, u'll do with it what u want..

If his parents are going to sell it to y'all cheaper than what it's worth I'd buy it but find out with an appraiser then turn around and sell it for more than it's worth or at least try to. Make some money off it. He might not like living in another house besides his parents but he needs think about his children they should get to grow up in a new home, who knows what kind of problems that home has. If it was built before 1970 it could have lead paint and if there are tiles there is lead in that. I'd do some research on the house and present a list of cons and pros of his parents house and a new house. Push the "don't you want your children to have a safe new home" thing. And Act like you'll your giving in to whatever he wants to do then act depressed until he he does what you want, which is to have a better home for your family. When he see's how sad you are he's more likely to give in then if your "acting" stubborn and rebellious. works on my hubby.

It sounds like you love yourself and what you want a lot more than you love your husband.

You said it's been his lifelong dream to buy and fix that house. Don't you care at all about his dreams, his desires, his wants? You assume this person you once declared your forever love and commitment for in your wedding vows exists solely to satisfy your desires?

Selfishness is what kills marriages.

I tell you this as a wife who has been selfish and has "won" the battle but lost more than can ever be regained. Even the best, most loving men eventually tire of a selfish, bratty woman. That's the road to divorce, bitterness, loneliness, misery, heartbreak.

Even if you lived in a fantastic, shiny dream home, you would not be happy because your husband would always know you put yourself first and cared nothing for him, and he would be hurt and resentful about it, and you would be hurt in the end.

You want him to give in to you all the time. How about giving in to him. I know how hard it is, when this man has given you everything you've ever wanted, has served you hand and foot, worked hard to provide for you, you keep expecting him to make all the concessions.

You need to see that your attitude is suffocating and destroying the love in your marriage. Tell yourself that you will be the loving, gracious, selfless wife you want to be and you want your husband and children to see you as, and let your husband have his way for once. And do it because you love your family. Love will make a small/disorganized/ugly house seem like a beautiful home.

You can be the beautiful feminine touch that makes your family love coming home, no matter how ugly the home is. Let love give someone else their dream, and you will only learn to love him more.

I GUARANTEE YOU WILL BE HAPPIER.