Difficulty opening up to therapist about past abuse, advice?

Question

I have been seeing my current therapist for about two and a half years and I'm finding it very difficult talking to him about my history of abuse. I was referred to him after a first episode psychosis after I was release from hospital.

I do really try in therapy and he has been very emphatic and does try to make me feel like i'm in a safe environment. I just feel I can't talk about it because it is really that upsetting. I guess I am worried that I will be judged harshly because psychiatry doesn't have the best reputation for helping females who have been sexually and physically abused. More just label and stereotype them. I have had a really bad experience with a past psychiatrist when I finally disclosed my abuse.

I recently told my current psych about being abused by a family member and since then I have been overwhelmingly depressed. I already have been struggling with depression, so this has been a really blow to my ability to get on with things. I feel like now I have 'let it out' its just so raw and painful. I'm getting really angry at my family as a result and I have been avoiding them. 

My partner of 12 years is really worried about me and whats to come to my sessions. I'm pretty sure this isn't usual practice, so I haven't invited him along. I figure that this is my problem and he shouldn't have to be mixed up in the ugliness of it. I wont let him call the CAT team when I'm in trouble because I really don't want to be hospitalised again (it was really traumatic).

I just feel like I can't change the past and what has happened to me. I feel like my self esteem is completely destroyed and I just want to leave the planet. I have never personally met anyone who has been through the kind of abuse I have and is not completely messed up psychologically. I suppose if I had, then they just don't talk about it so I would never know.

I do really want to get through this, I don't want to die or completely ruin my life. I have allot going for me but I'm not well enough to get what I deserve out of life. It really sucks! I'm back peddling fast and I really need help, but I feel that talky therapy is making things worse. It just opens an old wound and I don't know how to deal with all the poison that is coming out.

I'm certain that my problem is not uncommon with people dealing with past trauma. So what do they do to try and overcome all this terror and hurt? I'm not aware of any groups or services that relate to adults trying to recover from abuse (im in australia), i'm pretty willing to try anything. 
I just clam up in therapy, its a really powerful physical resistance, I don't know how to over come it. My throat gets so tight I feel like my head is going to explode. My body just doesn't want me to talk. Would really like some advice, ty.

tuxsido_love_kim · Accepted Answer

I have had the same problem that you have. I was abused as a child and it took me years to finally open up to people about my past. The easiest way I found is to write out what you wanted to say, and print it. Give it to your therapist. Let them read it and then start talking about it. Only disclose what you feel comfortable disclosing and don't push too hard because it will back track all the progress made so far. If you start feeling overwhelmed about it, tell your therapist you'd rather wait and have them bring it up later. But start with the writing. That way you're not actually telling them in person but letting them read what you want to tell them.
Hope this helps.

? · Answer

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

First, abuse victims are made to feel by their abuser that it is the fault of the victim that the abuse took place.  As I'm sure you well know, part of the scenario is deeply, secretly held guilt and shame that it happened at all.  Not talking about it is perpetuating the abuse and it torments you, as it is doing right now.  Not wanting to talk about it is normal and is part of the baggage.  Look at it this way;  you have been able to sustain an intimate 12-year relationship, which is a sign that you are very strong and haven't let the abuse totally ruin your trust of other people.  You also have been able to maintain family ties, and I'm certain will again.  On some level you realize that it was not your fault.

Your therapist may have guessed this abuse issue, and has been waiting until you feel comfortable talking about it.  I would start by telling him that you seriously doubt you will EVER feel comfortable talking about it.  Therapists are trained to help let the poison out.  Plus, I would say that at least a third of his/her clients have trauma issues.   He/she has probably heard it all.

You've already let the cat out of the bag.  You know that, for your mental health and happiness, that you need to divulge and work out the issues stemming from the abuse.  Stop punishing yourself and give yourself and this therapist a chance.  Just keep telling yourself that it wasn't your fault and you didn't deserve it.  No one does.  Open up and let the pain out.  You'll be so glad you did.  Your life will blossom after that.

Anonymous · Answer

Here is a little advice, try to listen but block out some of the things that she says that you don't like that way you can stay calm and that way she wont ever be intimidated or frightened again. I know that I'm making it sound a lot easier than it really is but if you truelly do love her than you can put in the work.

Trending News

Difficulty opening up to therapist about past abuse, advice?

3 Answers