Ramadan - Question to the brothers?

Sorry, I'm not Muslim, nor a man, but I really wanted to answer because I have been thinking about this lately regarding the men that I know. I think this is a really big problem with ALL men, not just Muslim men. When I married my husband (we are both agnostic), it was very apparent that he had been pampered by his mother. He expects me to basically "baby" him all the time. Even his mother agreed that he relies on me to be his "mother" in addition to a wife. Most of the men I know are like this also. My husband even calls me "momma" sometimes when he wants something, which really annoys me. I try to be a good wife (i.e., make dinner every night, do laundry, grocery shopping, keep the house clean, etc.), but he also expects me to get up and get him snacks and get him drinks while he's watching TV, massage him constantly, he gets upset if he thinks I'm not giving him enough praise or encouragement or affection, and I'm not allowed to ever talk back to him, no matter what terrible names he calls me or screams insults at me....it's difficult because I'm pregnant now, and I an afraid of what things will be like when the baby comes, because I feel like I ALREADY have a baby that I take care of.

Keep in mind, I work more hours than he does daily (I leave the house at 7:30am, and get home at 7:30pm), and I'm still expected to do the full duties of a housewife in addition to working. I'm exhausted all the time.

Anway, I've been thinking to myself that if my baby is a boy, I'm going to make DARN sure that I don't pamper him. I'm going to give him responsibilities and not coddle him, so he is self-reliant, so when the time comes, he can make a good husband who considers his marriage an equal PARTNERSHIP and who contributes to the chores and duties of the household equally. That makes for a better marriage than having an exhausted, resentful wife.

Now, I'm all for a woman being a stay-at-home housewife if that's what she and her husband wants, and to be responsible for those duties....but men now-a-days want both the traditional housewife who dotes on them and does everything for them, while at the same time, being a "modern" woman who works and brings home income. Trying to have it both ways is too much for a woman, and it's just not fair. We are not endlessly working machines, we are people too, and we get tired, and we need to receive help and assistance and encourage from our partners also.

We need to be pampered too sometimes!

But, the way little girls are raised is different. Our mothers teach us to cook, clean, etc....doing the household duties, while the boys are allowed to play and be served and waited on. It creates and endless cycle that, in my opinion, needs to be changed.

Mothers need to raise their boys to be more self reliant, and to not need to rely on females to take care of him.

As long as the couple talk openly about any issue they face and settle it down, that would never be a problem. But the difference between a mother and a wife is so big that u can not compare the two. ANy man who wants to get married knows that things are not gonna be the same as they were when he was single. SO i do not see any problem with this change because it's part of life. For a marriage to succeed, the two couple should help each other, stand for each other, because marriage is not a one side relationship. Both sides are gonna give away and receive and come into terms concerning certain issues they may not agree upon, and life continue .... But also as long as Quran and Sunnah are part of the marital life, I believe any marriage would be successful.

Peace and good luck for me to have a successful marriage with my unknown future wife!

Asalam Alaikum

I am not a man but I think I can still answer this question :)

Well I don't think this is just Muslim men, but Easter men. It's part of the culture from alot I have seen. My husband was pampered, and when he is around his mom, even his sister, he still is. I do my best to do this but I can't. It doesn't really cause problems to much with us, but hubby knew that I was not going to do this from the beginning of our marriage.

I think that it is best for a man to be honest with the women he is going to marry and tell her what he likes. If she is not one who will pamper him like he wants or even expects, he needs to find another women to marry or deal with it.

And Allah knows best

Umm.. if you're talking about a hypocrite then yes, because their goal is only to look good, so they'll argue to just be right.

But if he is a real muslim, it has NOTHING to do with how he was pampered, because he seeks for the truth.

Men should be hard working and have the last decision so must be fair and follow what's right no matter who it comes from.

Women should be kind to their husbands and should pamper them for spending 12 hours a day outside of the house busting his butt just to support her and their kids.

There are two sides to every coin, and neither should look to the other, but both should look to themselves and look at what their own duties and responsibilities are

Yes, that will be a probably for many men.

Myself, if or when I get married, I can definetely say with confidence that I won't be his slave. Means, if I cook, he's expected to cook sometimes to to give me a break (if he doesn't know how I'll teach him so he'll have no excuse); cleaning is a big job...he can help with that too (maybe alernate who cleans the bathrooms). Problem becomes getting the man to want to give you a break every once in a while, especially since wife is supposed to obey husband.

Me, this is important stuff because my mom married my father, a man who was pampered by mom his entire life (he never lived alone...lived with mom and dad and then with my mom)...my mom regrets marrying him now for many reasons including his learned helplessness. I don't want my marriage to turn out like that; I want to love my husband forever and ever and also have my kids grow up respecting their father with sincerity, not because they have to...issue with relationship of siblings and I with out father. (And it realy irks me when someones tells you to do something that they could do themselves because they aren't doing anything besised sitting down watching tv!)

Some males might find this completey wrong and gives me a thumbs down...men, you want a housewife and slave, be my guest, but finding one will probably be too much work for you to handle because it will be a lot of work...unless the female is desperate to get married then she might prematurely agree to be your slave but she'll change her mind after doing it for so long.

That all sounds cruel, just want the men to know that women are more than tools, they are human beings with a brain and they want to be treated well. Think of it like this...if you hate cleaning the toilet, your wife probably does too so give her a break from it every now and then and also would be helpful to show your appreciation for all that she does everyonce in a while too, like flowers.

Jihad, you are right in the contect you are saying it somewhat, but what if the man can't earn enough to support the family so the wife also has to get a job. Add wifely duties to that and child-raising.....she's going to need a break or she will burn out and resent hubby rest of her life.

As a brother. I can verify that I have seen what you wrote first hand. It is more of an exception than the rule; however even that exception is sad. I hope I treat my wife well, and iA I will. Not sure what I can say about how a mother raises her son. If its too late; its too late.

As long we respect our relations with proper understanding, we will cross the limits or would underperform our duties and responsibilities towards them. You cannot tell hubby not to perform his duties and responsibilities towards his mother (or other relatives) and others cannot dictate how your hubby should behave with you unless and until it's for better stand. There will be NO frictions if we are mindful of the human intricacies involved among men's yearning towards relationships.

I'm 10 years younger than that, and it's not even old to me.. And I would give her a star, but this is your question, not hers:P Tell her I said Happy Birthday!

It would be a problem for a man or a women, no matter the faith/location in the world. Another reason to date/hang out for a while and see how things go!

for anyone one in any relationship it is a rude awakening when they realize the world is not round but lumpy and they can sail of the edge of waterfalls and get hurt. it part of living in the real world