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Lee asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 1 decade ago

Honest opinions on my story?

How do you like it so far:

It was seven A.M. The darkness that seemed to have began only a few seconds ago started to fade to the bright light of day. Well, not actual daylight. Yellow artifical light, filtered through crosshatched glass. It took a moment for Joe’s pupils to dilate, for them to filter in the right amount of light and adjust. He looked around. The car he resided in was mostly empty, dominated only by a large African American woman who watched his slow, measured movements with staring, hateful eyes. “This stop is-Times Square: 42nd Street.” The automated voice mumbled almost incoherently. Joe sighed and got up. He looked up and saw that the large black case and cardboard sign were still on the rack above him. He picked both on the rack and carried them gingerly and sleepily out of the train.

Joe trekked to his usual spot and put his things down. He breathed deeply and coughed as he snapped the latches on the faded leather case open and lifted the top. He pulled out the wooden thing that lie inside, and felt its soft curve wrapped around him as it had been for years now. He ran his ancient, arthritic, callused hands tenderly over the six strings that had been there for ten years now. He set up his sign and began strumming a simple twelve bar blues riff.

3 Answers

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  • zoe
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    this part of the sentence, "the darkness that seemed to have began only a few seconds ago" sounds like incorrect grammar and is badly phrased, maybe instead write "although the darkness only seemed to start a few seconds ago it already faded to the bright light of day," or something like that. it's gets kind of boring to read when you take so long to explain things happening, like the sentence "it took a moment for Joe's pupils to dilate, for them to filter in the right amount of light and adjust" could simply be stated in either of the two phrases, together they are superfluous and redundant. also, you structure a lot of sentences with "He blah blah blah," try varying the sentence structure to make it more interesting. the descriptive language and diction are both fairly good but it's very slow moving. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, and I hope it helps!

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Pretty good. I just wouldn't say "wooden thing". Try using "instrument" instead. ;)

  • Thelma
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago

    I will be better if u started from an intro., but its good. Add more...

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