My last stand in life? Or is it? Could I be onto something big here about my existence?

I am a 28 year old college student who is in athletic shape. I work at UPS and am a training volunteer fireman. All my life, I NEVER fitted in anywhere and was made fun of by all sorts of people and was told to suck it up by authority figures. I don't have a foot hold. So in school, I never had really any friends and NEVER to this day had a girlfriend despite that I am in the category of a good looking person. I'm told that I am funny and unique. I live at home due to financial issues. Back in my early years, I joined the navy only to get sent home for telling them I spoke to a doctor when my dad died at 46. This happened when I was 10. He was navy along with my two grandfathers and god knows who else.

I'm not a mean person nor do I mean anyone any harm. My intentions are to make friends and be amongst my species. Humans:) However, it seems that that's not where I am wanted. The only friends I have in this whole world are my two dogs. My golden doodle and my poodle. I love them so much.

For recreation, I like drawing, sports, video games, movies, exercise, walking my dogs and playing with them, smoking marijuana(which is not a drug and should be legal in the USA, but that's another story), music. In this country, people are black and white. If you smoke pot, your a child molester or something. I do it once in awhile and keep my priorities in order. I also smoke to help ease the stress of my daily existence and my lack of relationships amongst people.

Now please don't lecture me about marijuana since that is mealy just a small detail of this. People seem to dislike me by default. I try to change whatever it is that they don't like. My smile, my attitude, or whatever. Now, I just don't give a ****! I am me. Me. Me is the kind of guy who takes on responsibility despite the card he has been dealt in life, loves to have fun and not be too too serious about life issues by having a broom stick up my *** like some people I work with or go to class with, loves his animals and just wants to be left alone. Do I get left alone?

Well in the fire academy, I am being harassed by two kids in my squad. By kids I mean 19 or 20. They act like their in high school and nothing is done about it. One of them has a father who is a chief of police and probably got the job as a special officer in our township due to who his dad is and never had to work for it. Seems like from the outside, this kid does not seem to have to struggle. He is one of those, "My daddy is this. Do you know who my dad is?" type while the other one is just a stupid jar headed diabetic. I could take the both of them on. The way they are picking on me feels just like back when I was in high school.

The point is, I don't seem to fit in anywhere and there must be a reason for it. Perhaps I was an accident by my parents. They said that I was the best thing that ever happened. Makes me wonder. Maybe I was an accident in the eyes of the lord. The planet had enough people back in 81 probably. Even back then, kids did not seem so keen on playing with me. They liked to bully me. Girls loved to make fun of me. I have come to a revelation that makes me kinda disturbed yet somewhat relieved. Am I Truly an evil creature who wants to do and be good but everyone around sorta knows my nature and is almost pushing me to the dark side because that's where I belong. You know? Their opposite. Like cops and robbers. Batman and Joker. I am feeling like I am on the journey to the point of no return. I have murder on my mind. I feel no true sense of consequence. Yet coming onto here, asking this question, am I hanging on to my last re mince of hope? I'm in search of meaning to my existence. I feel it that some people should die and the world would be a better place. I am a criminal justice major and am starting to like the idea of Kevin's justice system. It's a fair system and would keep people safe. So safe that all could sleep with their doors unlocked. Safe that one can walk down the street at night because I let no rapist off. I believe in capital punishment and actually using them I do not believe in the EVIL 3 strikes your out for life law which sends most non-violent offenders away for life to get pumped up the butt by Bruce. I want revenge and on the verge of frenzy. I feel lethal but am keeping myself at bay. I don't want to be evil and feel that I deserve good since I want nothing but good but it's hard when bad things constantly happen to you. My realist is quite distorted. You could expect that from someone who has been alone(I have fraternal family like mom and brother) and never included in the game of life. I wish to be put out of my misery before I actually hurt someone. I don't want to hurt people. I feel no shame in writing this and sharing with you some aspects of my life in this long entry. My last stand in life or what?