Is my boyfriend being selfish, or am I overreacting?

Question

I've been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year now, but have known him for much longer. I love him very much and he is very caring and considerate towards me most of the time. However, when we first started seeing each other, he would often only make a drink or some food for himself and just completely forget to ask me. As he is an only child, I let it go for a while, thinking that he was just used to doing things only for himself. After nearly 12 months, he STILL only does things for himself. When I am at his house, I often starve until dinner time, when he realises that I need to eat, as I am about to pass out. I don't like to ask for the food, as I am not the one paying for it. I know alot of you will say, "buy your own food," but when he comes to mine, I do what I would do with any guest and give him drinks and feed him. That is how I was bought up. Also, I went through a phase of having very little money. I didn't ask him for anything, HE OFFERED to feed me when I couldn't feed myself. And yet, whilst this makes him look really good, theory and practise are two different things, as he still carried on eating and drinking in front of me, but still gave no food to me. 

Sometimes, I make us dinner. When I do this, he doesn't help me clear up, he never washes the dishes or anything which makes me slightly angry as I am the one who put in the effort to cook. When he makes a meal, I end up clearing that away too as I know it will never get done and I hate mess!

I'm not sure if I'm just being petty, but it just seems to get worse. At the weekend, as I only have two days off (he has days off during the week as he is at Uni), I want to do things that I like with him. But most of the weekend is taken up with football. We watch matches, we read about matches, we constantly check results and then we watch the play-back before bed. Then on Sunday, he STILL spends most of the day looking at results. I feel as if my only two days off are always put to the side for football. 

I bought this up with him and he said that he's always liked football and that I cannot expect him to change. But I DONT expect him to change, I'm glad he has something to be passionate about. But why are my days off ALWAYS put aside for it? What's wrong with alternating our weekends to do what we like to do, but together? He also manages to make me feel as if I'm making a big deal about nothing and that I'm overreacting, This makes me so angry as, as trivial as he thinks it is, it's very important to me and he fails to respect that.

It's such a shame, as I love him very much and could see a future with him. But a future of sacrificing my life for football and a future of being stuck with this apparent selfishness is not what I want. I hate that he makes me sound mad and irrational for bringing the football thing up but he always gets so defensive when I criticise even the smallest things and yet I'll take any criticism. I feel like he's maybe a bit immature? I am yet to bring up the food thing, as I don't know how to approach it without him just brushing me aside like some irrational woman.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do?

vanessa · Accepted Answer

Hi there,

You are obviously a very loving and sensitive person.  I believe your partner must be too in order to take on board criticism.  I think if you tell him off for 'not' doing things and for being selfish you will make him feel like a bad person.

Now I do agree with you and believe he is being a little inconsiderate although I think the actual problem is lack of communication.  Explain very gently your concerns to him.

Try telling him you feel hungry.  If you are worried about who buys which food then suggest walking to the shop together or ordering take out.  

Many women complain their man spends all his time with his friends.  At least your man spends his weekends with you even if football is involved.  You complain and understandably so, but do you ever suggest or plan something to do with him at a weekend.  Maybe it's just routine and habit for him now.  If you want a day out with him, plan it and suggest it to him.

I do not think he disrespects you.  You say you get angry and he complains you overreact and make a big deal over nothing.  Well this is because he too can't read your mind or feel you feelings.  In this case I would suggest taking the reins and doing something to change what you are unhappy with as well as to talk through things with him.

Another thing, you can try praising him when he is thoughtful.  For example, you may mention you are hungry too while he prepares a snack and be really very positive and thankful that he was so kind and thoughtful to make you something too.  This will encourage future positive responses.

Good luck with it,

Nessa x

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Anonymous · Answer

How old are both of you? And how long have you two been together? He's only using you if he doesn't pay you back for buying him things, doesn't buy you anything and doesn't spend any time with you outside of sex. It sounds like he cares for you but doesn't wanna be smothered. Most men are this way. They want alone time and time with the boys. I'm 23 and I live with my fiance'. I only call him once a day or if I really have to. And sometimes at night I ask for an hour alone just to think and relax. Maybe you should do the same thing, only call or text once a day or if you really have to. And only see him no more than twice a week.

? · Answer

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Anonymous · Answer

Yes he is inconsiderate.
 Best you talk to him about it, this kind of thing can turn into resentment and ruin a relationship.

? · Answer

yes he is he needs to think about what makes you happy then you can both compromise

xamybabezzx · Answer

for a starter, thats no way that your boyfriend should treat you. you firstly cook for him and washes up and yet he does nothing for you. you desrerve so much better.

LOVELY GIRL · Answer

i think he is selfish.

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Is my boyfriend being selfish, or am I overreacting?

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