What do you think of my first few paragraphs? I would most appreciate it v_v?

Question

Warren’s mother’s face twisted in disgust as he stepped out of his room. The withering woman’s dress danced around her legs as she took a step forward and slapped him. Here we go, thought Warren, already bored. What does this make? Six lectures for the day? If he wasn’t so patient, then that blow would have probably been the one to send him over the edge. Today was not his best day.
“What is that?” asked Blanca, her dark eyes moving across Warren’s face.
“What’s what?” he replied. Keeping his jaw tense, Warren stared down Blanca. If it wasn’t for that disease of yours, you wouldn’t be alive right now, his mind wandered.
Blanca’s hand went flying again. This impact was a bit harder. Careful, careful, thought Warren. You’ll break a bone again. “Smart assing me again, child? Who do you think you’re talking to? Go change and this time be presentable. Don’t make your old, sick mother bring out the whip.”
“My apologies, Mommy.” He returned to his room, all the while fighting the urge to laugh. No. Emotions kill. I won’t die yet. Warren caught sight of his appearance in the mirror. Resisting the urge to choke himself, he changed from a Slipknot band tee and jeans, to a silk tuxedo. Enough screwing around with mom for the night, he decided. The show’s just starting.

“One, two, three four. Two, two, three, four,” the girl mumbled to herself. Warren suppressed a sigh. He was stuck with another girl who believed his family would accept her. I’m only eighteen. Why do I know how to waltz? Better than this girl anyways. He casually looked down at his dance partner, a small girl with ruby hair and watery green eyes. Why should I be looking for her now? I’m still young.
	And always will be…
	The inscription burned Warren’s vision. Ever since the accident there had always been someone writing to him, warning him of the future. His eyes would blank and an ancient scroll would appear before him. And somebody would write messages to him. But, what scared Warren the most, was that they always came true. He couldn’t help but wonder what was causing it. I’m special? Am I cursed? Oh, I know. Delusional. The old hag usually isn’t right, but there’s a first time for everything, he considered.

kelsie&lt;3 · Accepted Answer

Wow. Most people that post paragraphs here are amateurs, and I found this really good. I'm very much a fan of the first few paragraphs.

I found no grammar errors, or spelling errors. But my only complaint is the last paragraph when you're explaining the scroll thing- it just doesn't really seem to fly to me:/ and could you tell me what disease the mom has?


But other than that, fabulous<33

<3.kelsie

Robin · Answer

You have good content, and you haven't been overly obsessed with descriptives.  At the same time, a little more detail would fare well here, since there seems to be something lacking.  I'm interested in the story, but I can't relate to the character at all because there's not much said about him.  He obviously has a bad family situation with a mysteriously diseased mother and a strange psychic ability, but all I really get from him is that he's a sarcastic teenager trying to shut off his emotions.  Maybe a little more on the family dynamic.  I like the 'careful' part, maybe you could give a briefing of the 'last time' she broke a bone and the circumstances of that lashing.  Just a few thoughts, but excellent work so far.

MishMash [I am not one of your fans] · Answer

Right off the bat, the double apostrophes threw me. It would be easier to say, "Her face twisted in disgust as he stepped out of his room." I'll learn later who he and she are.
It was a good piece. There are a few minor mistakes, but it can be cleaned up pretty easily. Good job. (ex: "...Slipknot band tee and jeans, to a silk tuxedo." You don't need the comma after jeans.)

Anonymous · Answer

It was well written, but not much of an intro to a story. It was confusing and a little hard to follow. Keep the style, but maybe introduce the characters and story a little better.

? · Answer

This looks extremely fascinating! I want to see a little bit more personal details later on, perhaps about her social life less than her stereotype. If you write more of it, be sure to email me and I'll critique it :)

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What do you think of my first few paragraphs? I would most appreciate it v_v?

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