He wants us to purchase a home -- Should he propose marriage first?

I think you're absolutely right. Take a look around you - the housing market is a mess and has been proven that it's not something to be messed around with. I know numerous couples who bought a house together before getting married and it made breaking up WAY more complicated. In some cases it was extremely messy. You need to financially protect yourself, and that means not getting on a mortgage with someone to whom you aren't legally bound.

Really, let's say he buys a house all himself. He puts in the down payment and his name is on the mortgage. Then you are basically paying rent in his house and earning none of the equity. That doesn't sound like an equal partnership to me. And it's not so easy to just "add your name to a mortgage". You'd have to go through a refinance which assumes your credit is up to snuff and it assumes that the valuation of the property is high enough to cover the outstanding principal to even qualify to refinance the loan And, in the next 5 years, it probably won't be. So, even in the best case scenario you're going to me Mrs. Homeowner with no actual rights to the home for a while.

I've seen it work and I've seen it fall apart - but I know that I would never sign mortgage papers with someone I wasn't married to and I'd have real trouble being in a 'rent to own' scenario with my own house.

I just wanted to edit this and say that I have no problem with people living together before getting married. I moved in with my boyfriend and, not surprisingly, he still wanted to marry me. I know. Shocking. It's almost as if we're living in the 21st century and are adults. I know your boyfriend really believes that he's acting in the best interests of you as a couple in the long term. Buying a house is, sometimes, a better investment than renting. My concern would be 100% about financially protecting you not about the state of your relationship. I'd stick to renting with both parties equally represented on the lease.

It's a very bad idea to buy a home with someone to which you are not married. You should keep all finances (checking accounts, savings accounts, insurance, etc) separate until married, otherwise you're opening a whole can of legal worms if you "break up" (if you divorce, there's a process for separating common assets).

If he's going to buy a house, put only his name on the mortgage and then come up with a contract where you pay some monthly rent to him until you're married. Also, don't buy common property (don't each go half in on couch). You own some things, and he owns some things. If you buy a washer and dryer, one of you buys the washer, and one of you buys the drier. Keep a clear list of who owns what.

But I'm with you - if he wants to get buy a house, I would push him to propose first. But again, until you're legally married, I wouldn't put your name on the house (many engagements end. Do you really want to have to add a lawsuit on top of ending an engagement?)

There's no basic difference between that and how you two are shacking up now. You would just contributing 'rent' to him, instead of another landlord.

In neither situation do you have a commitment - if marriage is what you want, fine. But if he isn't interested now and you are, then you move out and/or move on. Otherwise, hang in there and - as you say - waiting for another 5+ years for a proposal.

It's YOUR choice. But don't put the onus on him alone - by shacking up with him, you've already shown him what you are comfortable with, you changing the rules now will take a lot of communicating with him.

Good luck!

I don't think you're over-reacting at all. I was once in the same situation as you -- living together and talking marriage, looking to buy a home. We tried to buy a home (in his name), but luckily the owners accepted another offer, because the guy ended up breaking up with me after all that. I NEVER thought that would happen. It was just luck or divine intervention that we didn't end up with that house to deal with.

Not that your guy will break up with you... BUT, I think it's perfectly reasonable that the bigger commitment, marriage, should come before the lesser commitment, buying a home. It's a natural progression of things, and if you two don't get married first, he could be quite comfortable in a nice home without having to marry you for quite some time.

I wish I could scream this out to you but since I can't I would advise you very STRONGLY to not, I repeat not put your name on the mortgage unless you can pay for the monthly cost of it and to live on your own salary. It is very foolish as a woman to ever link their credit to anyone other than their spouse. Even then you may come out the loser of a mortgage. You must protect your credit at all costs because it will effect your future financial well being. I was married 10 years, I had the better credit. He had an affair, we divorced but since my name and credit was the primary on the credit cards, auto loan, home loan etc. I was the financial responsible party, never mind that the court said he must pay his part of the debt, the debts were essentially in my name. The companies that loaned the money could really care less that the secondary party is court ordered to pay that debt, your name can't be removed from the debt until it's paid off. Therefore, if they fall behind on payments it's your credit. I got the house, he got the pickup in the divorce. I had to refinance the house to get his name off of it. Thank God that God was looking out for me and the ex got tired of me calling him when the truck payment was due or when the credit card collectors would call because he was late paying he decided that he would get a personal loan to refinance the truck in his name and added the credit card debt to the loan. This cleared me of it financially. Do you know what happened to that pickup??? It got repossed. Get my point? Be very protective of your credit and think with your head, not your heart.

Here's my take, and this was my situation and how I handled it.

I didn't want to be with a man who 'depended on me' to be able to live on his own. We had been together 4 years, but never moved in together. When we started talking about buying a home and making that commitment, I told him unless you're financially able to do this on your own, you shouldnt do it. He made the down payment and lived in the house by himself for 6 months before I moved in. I didnt want him 'blaming me' if it wasnt affordable, and I definitely didn't want my name on any kind of mortgage until we are married. It's too risky for you. If he wants to buy a home so badly, let him. But you shouldnt be forced or guilted into making a big commitment to him until he makes a big commitment to you.

I agree with you. What you're saying makes perfect sense and you're being reasonable and practical.

But, I wouldn't pressure him either. Don't push him to propose now because he wants to buy a home now. Instead, just let it be known that if he's not ready to propose, then it would be best to put off buying a home until he is, that is, assuming you're buying it together. He's more than welcome to buy his own home.

I think you're under-reacting. Never take on a mortgage with someone until you are married. You'll gain nothing by saying you must be engaged first, because if he wants the home that badly, you'll quickly find yourself engaged. But nothing has really changed, especially legally.

You can't stop him from buying a home on his own, but you should not be legally tied to that home and your name shouldn't be on any mortgage until you are married.

In all honesty, I have seen this several times before. When a man lives with his gal he mysteriously comes up with differing excuses not get get married now.

Do NOT get into a huge financial entanglement like a house purchase before getting married.

If *anything* were to happen to him, you will be evicted from the house and it would go to next of kin, which you are not if you're not married to him.

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