Can I get some feed back on this short creative writing?

The ideas there are good but the piece doesn't flow well. Perhaps you have some reason for writing it this way that I fail to see, but the first three paragraphs seem to me to introduce completely different ideas that don't connect. They seem like they might have come from three different pieces of writing. The last two paragraphs kind of try to draw the ideas back together it seems but they don't quite get there.

The second sentence is a little confusing to read and could probably be worded better. The last sentence of the first paragraph is also a bit off, I can't quite tell if you meant to say "Bust so what if I've never even wanted to be kissed?" or "What if I never even wanted to be kissed?"

In the sixth sentence of the second paragraph there is a slight typo of the word 'can't' (nothing major just missing the apostrophe). There should be a question mark at the end of the following sentence. Again there is a missing apostrophe in the word 'It's' in the last sentence of the paragraph (twice actually). The last two sentences of that paragraph seem a little like you had a lot of things you wanted to communicate but couldn't quite get them all down in a way that flows well. The last sentence in particular has a lot of punctuation and would probably work better if you were to spread it over a few sentences. The third paragraph is completely lost on me to be honest, perhaps this is more due to me being ignorant than your writing. If you want to though it might be a good idea to try re-wording it a bit. The word 'more' at the beginning of the fourth paragraph is probably not necessary. The quote used here might need to be explained, where does it come from (again maybe I'm missing something here)? The fifth sentence might read better as; "I have been liked, but I haven't liked, not really liked." The last sentence also may read better as; "Never have I been wanted for the reasons I want to be." The last paragraph on the whole makes for a pretty good conclusion and the last sentence sounds like it was intended to mean something metaphorically but I don't quite get it (sorry), maybe it would be helpful if you found away to work it into the piece as an extended metaphor.

Sorry I've droned on a bit here but overall I would say the piece has good potential, with a bit of reworking it will no doubt be wonderful! The ideas seem to be there the only thing left to do is find effective ways to communicate them. The emotion behind the words seems very strong and once communicated to it's full potential will no doubt hold great effect over those who read it.

I'm willing to consider Ameretta that the paragraph approximately your father attracts away out of your foremost factor. I can effortlessly see, nevertheless, that you just write with ardour that flows out of you. The manner that you just assault an thought is lively and, possibly a contact indignant however, I consider the essential factor this is in case you be taught to manage your ardour and take extra time to explain or even beautify your strategies, you'll write a work that may transfer any one. And is not that what all of us desire out of writing? To make a different suppose the equal emotions that you just do? To cause them to as passionate approximately the strategies as you it appears are? Also, as I reread the piece, it's visible that you simply cranked it out and did not do so much, if any, enhancing. You have to be leaping round much less and spend extra time getting those strategies throughout in your viewers. Good good fortune!

lots of emotion channel it more