Can I get some feed back on this short creative writing piece?

Question

I wrote this because I was stressed and needed a vent. The style of writing is just how it came out. 
I would love some critical feedback on how it reads, and if you have any suggestions to make it more viable for publishing, and what publication might be interested in such a piece



Never haven fallen in love, I don’t really know what it feels like, what it should feel like, but I know that I want to. An innate attraction, a desire; I am not sure if such an natural feeling is suppressed with in, or am I never going to experience it. With all the pop teen movies, I feel like I’m behind. Everyone seems to fall in love in some coming of age big Romeo and Juliet summer drama. Never been kissed? But what if I never wanted to be kissed? 

I know I am not unpleasant looking. At 5”5 always in 4” heels, I am overpowering – my personality and my being. My naturally highlighted blond hair is always big, my eyes always blue (though the shade might change), and a slightly bulbous nose always sits in the middle of my face. Not particularly ugly nor particularly beautiful, in my mind, I seem stand out in a crowd for no particular reason. If someone seems to be interested, I intimidate them by being my whole self, at times, even a little bit mean, when I’m normally nothing but sweet. If they are still interested, I never know why. When a good looking guy asks me out, I think it’s a joke – I say no because I must be on some reality punk’d show, and I’m being laughed at. 

My friend’s dad passed away. Three years ago. I haven’t seen my father in nine years. Well, that’s not true, I have seen him. In my nightmares. After he hurt me, I cant bare to see him, speak of him, or even think of him. But is it wrong to wish that my dad could have died instead. My friend has embodied his dad’s persona, yet I try to erase all mannerisms and tendencies that nature had given me that are similar to his. I would give all of myself to take away my dad and give my friend his dad back. Now I am safe, but it pains me to know that such goodness was taken away, while evil is still out there. 

I seem encompass all the stereotypes that a women should be, yet that’s not who I am; not completely. I am everything. I am an anomaly. Hiking, art, R&B and pearls, I am really like no other. But they like me because I cook, because I am sweet, or because I am fun, but I want to be loved for all that and because I am intelligent, ambitious, generous, and because I am passionate about everything.  

Father issues, or just more picky. I don’t fall for the romantic movies. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.” Does that intense attraction really exist? I have been liked, I haven’t liked, not really liked, not loved liked. Never have I been wanted for why I wanted to be wanted.  

Is it fear; did it just not happen for me yet? No crush yet, no, my love for now, is myself.  And when I meet a guy who loves me for the reasons I love me, then I can love him. My third act will be played off stage.

Amaretta · Accepted Answer

The middle paragraph seems completely out of place -- it isn't connected at all to the first two paragraphs.  It's an abrupt transition that doesn't relate at all to the paragraphs surrounding it.  If you're trying to make a point about your father, it needs to be connected somehow to the rest of your writing.  You also need to proofread and edit your writing because you have a number of minor errors that a proofreading would pick up -- "haven" instead of "having" in the first sentence, "bare" when you mean "bear," questions that you'd ended in periods instead of question marks, and the incorrect use of semi-colons in several places.  (A semi-colon connects two complete and related sentences, each of which can stand on its own.)  It seems unfinished as it is, as though it's the beginning of a longer piece.

Anonymous · Answer

I'm inclined to agree with Ameretta that the paragraph about your father draws away from your main point.  I can readily see, however, that you write with passion that flows out of you.  The way that you attack an idea is spirited and, maybe a touch angry but, I think the important thing here is if you learn to control your passion and take more time to describe and even embellish your ideas, you can write a piece that can move someone.  And isn't that what we all want out of writing?  To make another feel the same feelings that you do?  To make them as passionate about the ideas as you apparently are?  

Also, as I reread the piece, it is obvious that you just cranked it out and didn't do much, if any, editing.  You need to be jumping around less and spend more time getting these ideas across to your audience.

Good luck!

F. Perdurabo · Answer

It sounds more like a character study than a story.  If you want a story published you need compelling characters, lots of conflict, exceptional grammar skills, and a skilled hand in storytelling.  Publishing is undergoing radical transformations with the advent of the Internet and publishers still don't know what the future holds.

The best way to get published is to just write and write and write.  Write 50 short stories, 100 poems, and a novel.  That is the only way to learn writing - you read, and you write.  That's all you do - read and write.  Read everything - not just books in the style that you write in.

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Can I get some feed back on this short creative writing piece?

3 Answers