How do I trust him again? I need real help on improving this marriage...?

Question

My husband is a real estate agent and meetings and viewing at odd hours is a norm ever since we got married. Some 2 years ago, I found messages on my husband's phone by accident to a woman that doesn't seem necessary... when I asked him, he said it was nothing and that was a person that handles alot of travel arrangements for his parents. Everything ended at that.

2 months ago, a suspicious incoming call while sitting next to me made me believe he was hiding something from me... I overheard a woman's voice and him brushing her off hurriedly, telling her he'll call her back. My later check proves that the number wasn't saved under any name. I put on my detective hat for a week collecting evidence and found out that it was the same girl from 2 years ago... Regular correspondence started from 2 months prior on his new blackberry and all chats with her had it's history deleted. His sister denied that that girl had anything to do with my in-laws travel plans.

Upon confrontation, he denied everything until he was cornered and FINALLY admitted he was flirting with her. He said he only met her once or twice at her office but was never out on a date. After he cleared the air, I thought everything was fine. He even deleted her blackberry id the very next day.

2 weeks later, we were about to leave for my in-laws for a family gathering. I took his phone to call his mom about some last minute arrangement, then I saw a text from her. She had sent a well wishing message for a local holiday to all friends and family at 11.30pm. Another message came in 2 hours later saying "Good nite to you TOO. Have a great year ahead" to which my husband replied "thank you". I became agitated and asked him why he had deleted the messages in between. He told me again it was nothing and that he asked how she was and told her never to call him again. I said, that it would give me such peace of mind if I were to see those messages. Especially if its NOTHING. He then start to admit that he had met her more than once and sent her home from work before...

I asked him to leave for a week and thinks about the things he'd done. But he refused to go, threatening that he'll take the kids if he leaves. I've put all effort and sweat into caring for him and the kids all this years and he's barely home. 

I never asked him on his whereabouts EVER for the 7 years we've been married no matter how late he returns (1am-3am), I never check his mails, of go through his calls. I never wanted to be the controlling freak that smothers him. He's always hanging out with he's friends that I'm sure of, but now I just don't know anymore. I hate it that I start checking up on him everyday. He claims on attending meetings and stuff but it doesn't justify the long hours. He claim on never hurting me, but he's absence drive me crazy... And i can't help wondering what he's doing..

He sent the kids to school and returned 2 hours later... he told me he just drove around... and lied that he was on the phone with a friend when there were no calls made on his phone that morning. I'm afraid that he's deleting call logs and text msgs now that he knows I look though his phone.

I dreadfully want to improve this marriage, but how do I start trusting him again... I'm tired of the silent treatment, I'm usually a fun and bubbly person and everyone sees the change in me. I can force myself to be happy again, but he would just take it for granted that I'm fine with the things he does..

? · Accepted Answer

"I never asked him on his whereabouts EVER for the 7 years we've been married no matter how late he returns (1am-3am), I never check his mails, of go through his calls."
Do you see  the problem now?The problem is you don't check.When you give a guy too much freedom and free time on his own,such things happen.This statement is told to me by my dad,who is also a guy,so it tends to be TRUE.
"I hate it that I start checking up on him everyday....but he's absence drive me crazy"
This is the lifestyle you have to be prepared  to lead since you do not want a divorce.You have to be able to accept such a lifestyle because you know you won't be able to trust him without checking on him.You can only start trusting him when you check and see concrete proof that he is innocent.
Is there anyway you can persuade him to stop contacting the Other Woman?You will only get a peace of mind if you know that your husband and that woman have stop contacting each other.
Right now,you have an advantage over the Other Woman,your kids.You could persuade your husband to go out less and spend more time with you and the kids.Keep him bonded with you and the kids.Slowly try to win him back from her.

Abby · Answer

This whole thing is ridiculous! If your wife and her BF were having a platonic relationship they would not be meeting in a hotel room. She would invite him over to your house for dinner so you could all talk, or he would invite her AND you somewhere. like going sailing together or spend the afternoon at an art exhibit and then having dinner and drinks. There is no reason at all why they should be meeting alone. She should not be meeting him in his room! And if she were a good woman, she would not want to be meeting him alone. If they want to meet and if there's nothing to be ashamed of and nothing that would hurt other people then then they don't need to sneak around meeting in a private room. No, you are not being too sensitive. She's playing you for a fool. Tell her if she wants this friend, then it has to be a family friend. If she only wants to meet him alone and get secret phone calls and messages, then she's doing something she knows is wrong. You say she seems to be improving herself. You think she has stopped sneaking around? If she has, then forgive her. It could have been 'just a fling', but you better keep an eye on her, and tell her this behaviour is not acceptable. If my spouse did this once, I'd forgive it but a second time and -- out!!!

Will · Answer

Sorry you are going through all this, But in all honesty I think there is more to this then you know, If he has lied about it continuously and "late meetings" and what not then I'm afraid he is spending/seeing this other female. And to be honest if he does take the kids if you were to kick him out you could call the cops on him and if it goes to court well the female always wins custody unless she is a dead beat drug addict. You should really think about if you want to improve the marriage, if he has done it multiple times what makes you think he won't do it again?

Anonymous · Answer

i understand how u feel, life is so trival and problems are around, it is painstaking to hand the problems. The solution to ur problem is both of u realize the importance of gethering. Change your views towards each other and it will save teh marriage, but it needs time and ur confidence and courage. Good Luck

Lovly · Answer

I have been there,seen deleted messages, strictly guarded phone, been told its all work related and am sensitve, he visited the woman in question before coming home in good time. Ask me if I want to risk my trust in him again, NO. Too painful. Too much work trying to track somebody to help me trust him. 

He wil have to be very transparent for you to trust him again.

Anonymous · Answer

Hey type in www.trackapartner.com and fill in his mobile number then you will see if he may be up to no good.All the best.Worked for me.

Anonymous · Answer

You wont get a good answer here..   You two need marriage counseling.

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How do I trust him again? I need real help on improving this marriage...?

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