God Questionnaire!.....? God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.....?

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper

__ Television

__ Word of mouth

__ Tabloid

__ Bible

__ Torah

__ Other Book

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Near Death Experience

__ Burning Shrubbery

2. Which model God did you acquire?

__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet

__ Yoweh

__ Jehova

__ Jesus

__ Alah

__ Satan

__ God

__ G-d

__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working

order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

__ Yes

__ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:

______________________________________…

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?

Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents

__ Indoctrinated by society

__ Needed a reason to live

__ Needed focus in who to despise

__ Imaginary friend grew up

__ Hate to think for myself

__ Fear of death

__ Wanted to meet girls/boys

__ Wanted to **** off parents

__ Needed a day away from work

__ Desperate need for certainty

__ Like Organ Music

__ Need to feel Morally Superior

__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?

__ Yes

__ No

If Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Odin

__ Cthulhu

__ Zeus

__ Appolo

__ Ra

__ Barney T.B.P.D.

__ The great Spirit

__ The Great Pumpkin

__ The Sun

__ The Moon

__ The Bomb

__ The Almighty Dollar

__ A burning cabbage

__ Left Wing Liberalism

__ Bill Clinton

__ Other: ________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot

__ Astrology

__ Fortune cookies

__ Psychic Friends Network

__ Television

__ Palmistry

__ Self-help books

__ Dianetics

__ Biorythms

__ Tea Leaves

__ ESP

__ Mantras

__ Crystals

__ Pyramids

__ Wandering around a desert

__ Lottery

__ Insurance policies

__ Barney T.B.P.D.

__ Barney Fife

__ Playboy and/or Playgirl

__ Jimmy Swaggert

__ Human Sacrifice

__ Burning Shrubbery

__ Ann Landers

__ Bill Clinton

__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll

__ Obama

__ None

__ Other: _______________

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

A. Disasters

flood 1 2 3 4 5

famine 1 2 3 4 5

earthquake 1 2 3 4 5

war 1 2 3 4 5

pestilence 1 2 3 4 5

plague 1 2 3 4 5

SPAM 1 2 3 4 5

AOL 1 2 3 4 5

George Bush 1 2 3 4 5

B. Miracles

rescues 1 2 3 4 5

spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5

stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5

crying statues 1 2 3 4 5

water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5

walking on water (other than the Hudson) 1 2 3 4 5

talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5

VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5

Obama's election 1 2 3 4 5

Good Luck!