Whats wrong with me, anxiety? depression? or just ...?

I'm constantly reviewing myself, it could be a self esteem issue or maybe deeper, like something is missing in my life. I'm only 18 years old, and going on my first year out of high school with my job.

Nothing is ever good enough- I can't remember the last time i didn't have to fake my happiness in a situation. Going out clubbing with friends or just driving around, i'm constantly thinking " is this a waste of money?" i won't drink because the prices are ridiculous and so not worth it. And whats the point of getting drunk when you are not going to meet anyone special here, I mean if I was them I wouldn't be looking here either.

I know this sounds really critical and cynical- but that si why i am worried..why am I like this... every ones laughing but me.

I think it may be stress with money and work, I'm not happy where I am in my life and it seems money would make it easier.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not the girl walking around whining all day, slack with her job, sits on the couch with chips and wonders why life isn't fabulous- i know that I myself must make it what I want it to be- I've lost 20 kilo's this year to have one less reason to be unhappy.

I want to goto an art/animation university once i have saved enough, so i have been studying anatomy/drawing but because of my sad outlook on things I'm findng it hard to keep it enjoyable- i mean hobbies are meant to be enjoyed it shouldn't be forced...Like when I'm riding my horse, its no longer fun- i feel constantly that progress and getting better is more important , only after a good gallop when i forget everything do i feel relief...And I can't talkt o my friends, I think i'm to insecure to let them know how crap i'm feeling, i don't like the attention people give when a person is down, it feels just- well not helpful towards the problem.

I thought it may be because i don't have a significant other but then that feels silly and to old time like, i shouldn't need someone else around for my hapiness...

Anyone out there with a clue?

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