I know, it sucks, feedback?

It's really moany for the first half, then it starts on about 'let's try?'.

Why would you want to try with such a whinger?

Your lack of decisiveness is also not very inspiring, and the crowbarred in nickleback lyrics need dropping, too: 'I'm gonna make it right (good), BUT NOT RIGHT NOW (why the hell not right now you lazy fool?).

In short, yeah it does suck, sorry.

I think you should forget it and start again. Aim to be positive, confident (if you don't believe in it you'll never make them), and modest- it's more romantic to be straightforward than trying to sound clever by putting metaphors and song lyrics in, unless it really sounds natural at that point.

ps You can still make it right, dude, just coz ur not there. Aren't you trying to prove that by writing the poem? No offence, I'm not calling YOU a fool, just saying putting that song in makes you sound like one

Its a good start. Its free verse. If I were you, rather than vertical, short sentences,

I would organize it into 3 paragraphs and then one separate sentence at the end as

a climax. It's a good start because you write from your heart.

I would use full words rather than "ur". The more you write, the more you teach

yourself. I felt the emotion, I felt your pain. I liked it.

I like your icon.

great poem

i really like that last line, its so... so.... so true.