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Please tell me how i can make this better? Criticize it.?
It was just another day on Graywoods High where another girl has gone missing. I was walking towards the newly put up poster with my boyfriend Ryan. “Missing; Kelly Davis.” Ryan read. The girl in the picture had long curly black hair; her eyes were dark blue like a river; her lips were a perfect rosy red and not to mention her Humongous Double D’s. She was just perfect. A mans fantasy. And she was also my bestfriend. After Ryan read the poster he looked at me immediately. “I’m sorry about what happened Juliet. I know how much you guys loved her” Ryan gave me a little hug. I still couldn’t believe this was actually happening. It was only yesterday when I last saw her. She was so happy, so alive. I remember I was in my BMW and I offered her a ride home but she said she has plans already. I shouldn’t have left her there. I should have told her to come with me but it was too late.
How can i make it better? did i make any mistakes? I'd love to know :)
If another day doesnt do it then what about like
"it was a gloomy day at graywoods high"? :)
Juliet is the name of the main character (Ryans girlfriend) and as i said above ill change it to gloomy day but what i was trying to say was kinda like it was one of those days where someone has gone missing again cuz theres kind of a mystery there and people go missing :)
Thanks for the help <3
3 Answers
- Bookworm0o0Lv 61 decade agoFavorite Answer
You've got loads of grammatical errors in there, but a good idea. As others have mentioned, skipped the "just another day" bit and hit the opening hard. Here's an idea of a rewrite:
“Missing: Kelly Davis” my boyfriend Ryan read aloud from the poster. I stared at the photo of the girl with long, curly black hair, her eyes dark blue as a river, her lips a perfect rosy red--not to mention her humongous Double D’s. She was perfect. A man's fantasy. And she was my best friend. After Ryan read the poster, he looked at me. “I’m sorry about what happened, Juliet. I know how much you guys loved her.” Ryan gave me a little hug. I still couldn’t believe this was happening. It was only yesterday when I last saw her. She was so happy, so alive. I was in my BMW and offered her a ride home. She said she had plans. I shouldn’t have left her there; I should have told her to come with me. Now it was too late.
- 1 decade ago
"It was just another day on Graywoods High where another girl has gone missing."-----I like the opening sentence but is it really "just another day" or is that sarcasm. Also you said "on Graywoods High" I believe it should be "at".
"A mans fantasy. And she was also my bestfriend."-----Best friend is two words. A sentence should never begin with "and". Consider rephrasing.
Beside's the grammatical and spelling mistakes it's good.
Source(s): Me - Fellow writer - I've published two short stories in literary magazines and am in the process of writing a 90,000 word novel. - HP WombatLv 71 decade ago
"A mans fantasy. And she was also my bestfriend..."
Wait wait wait.... how on EARTH is this "just another day"?? Do not start your story with "just another day" when it's quite obviously NOT just another day.
