How is this excerpt from my story?

First off, I just want to respond to some answerers that called some *other* answerers jealous. I find it really annoying when people assume that the *only* reason a person could *ever* possibly say something bad about a piece of writing is because they're jealous. Really, people, grow up. This isn't sixth grade.

Now to answer your question. The writing is generally good. I'm not really a fan of your style, but that's just me. I'm not really a fan of big flowery descriptions. I liked how you made the reader feel lust after the demon just as the main character did. But after a while of describing that demon, I felt kind of bored. I don't mean to tell you how you should or should not write, but because you asked for my honest opinion, I'll just say it: Writers who cram the entire physical description of a single character, in my opinion, tend to be worse writers than the writers who will constantly add more physical descriptions to the same character all throughout the book. Now I know a lot of people in this section are big on the whole showing, not telling thing, but I think it's important that people know when it's good to tell too. In this case, I think the whole thing might have been even better if you had said a simple statement such as, "She was gorgeous," and as the story goes on, casually throw in more descriptions of her that say why she was so attractive. But then again, what you wrote might be important to the plot somehow, in which case, don't listen to me.

And yeah. That's all advice I have to give. Good bit of writing, there, Lily:)

Hola Lily! Como estas? I feel like critiquing.

First paragraph: cool beans

Second: Awkward wording big time. Particularly: "I knew the fate that awaited me if none of them found me favourable, and part of me hoped that I disappointed all but one--that would take the choice I'd have to make out of my hands."

It's a bit confusing and made me go, "huh?" Could be written much more smoothly.

Anyway:

My eyes widened. The other demons I had encountered had been monstrous, terrifying, unhuman. Lilith had looked the most mortal, but still you could tell she was an unholy beast. This woman... she looked out of place, as if she belonged not in the depths of the underworld but a garden. She wore a rose-coloured dress that came down to her knees and complimented her delicate yet attractive busom. Her face looked perfectly human, beautiful even with red-tinted lips and green eyes. Her hair was like strands of fine grass, viridian in colour. The only thing that detracted from her angelic appearance were the red roses that bloomed from her skin--one about her right breast, and one on the top of each hand.

I particularly dislike this paragraph. It's written in a very amateur style. Whenever writes go, "She wore...She had...Her eyes...Her lips..." It's...bad. Throughout this entire excerpt you could have thrown in these little details about said demon here and there. Plus, sometimes it's best to stick to the things that matter -- like the roses. Why should I care if her hair is green or purple or polka-dotted? It's fine to mention these details, but, for example, mention her hair color if she's running her hands through her hair in frustration. Etc.

Also, for some reason, the word 'sniff' being mentioned made me giggle. Maybe it's just me, and maybe I personally have something against the word, but it seemed a bit .. cheesy.

Aside from particulars, the writing isn't really what bugs me. It's the subject matter. If the rest of the story continues like this, with the demons and all, it seems very cheesy. Sexy, weird *** looking demon seducing the innocent girl...overdone. Very much so. Your protagonist seems to have nothing distinguishable about her. She seems like your very typical shy, naive girl we often see in stories such as this one. I think more characterization is needed, not only with Terra, but with the demon chick. She seems sweet, no way she could be evil -- right? Then BAM. Holy **** -- she's not so sweet, is she?

I'm just saying this stories seems like it could definitely steer into the direction of being just another evil demon seduces good girl yadayadayada. There is nothing that is particularly unique about it.

I'm saying *seems* because this is an excerpt instead of the whole story. I could be very wrong, and it's likely that I am.

Hope I wasn't too harsh, my dear. Just giving an opinion. :3

Much love!

Hi,

Overall I think it's good in terms of writing skill. The first paragraph isn't written well, I don't think. The first sentence, though it makes sense, is wordy and sounds like you're trying to be too writerly, as does the second sentence. I also think this sentence, "I knew the fate that awaited me if none of them found me favourable," was wordy..

It's like this. You know how some fantasy writers adopt this mystical, wise, old worldly voice? You seem to do this and it's not working. It's like saying how Yoda from Star Wars speaks. "Do well with my training, you will." It comes across as pretentious a bit. Saying "found me favorable" gives this impression, as does using words like upon in the context you used it.

You then seem to abandon this "voice/style" and find your own which is evident and distinctly yours in the last few paragraphs.

Some spelling errors: unhuman should be inhuman, busom should be bosom.etc.

But again, overall you have a good, clear voice. Don't stifle it with sentence structure like the sentences I pointed out. Well done and good luck :)

I agree with the first poster.

I don't think he or she was trying to call you a joke, they were just merely stating their opinion. You asked how the excerpt was, they told you how they felt. If you only wanted nice answers, you should have specified you were only looking for compliments.

And for those who said the first poster was just jealous, get off your high horses. People have different opinions. Because they don't like something, doesn't mean they are jealous of it. Be tolerant, jeez.

Anyways, I really liked it, but the whole 'demon' thing was a little ridiculous. I AM NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN.

I think however that is solely because this is an EXCERPT. I have no idea what the story is about as a whole. So it could be really good. But on just this piece, I find the writing is decent, I think you could use a little work here and there (I'm not good at giving critiques, as I have a lot to learn in writing as well, as do almost everyone.) But I am just stating what I thought as I read it.

@Remus

While that is true, I still don't think anything he said constitutes him as being jealous.

Yes, he could have stated specifically why or why not, but still, it's an opinion. I consider 'attacking' far more cruel.

And everyone who gave him thumbs up, I doubt they are jealous of the writing, although they could be. I just think it is immature to state that they are. Tastes vary from person to person. Not everyone is going to like certain pieces of work.

@Gemi

I agree with you. That's what I was feeling was wrong with it as I read.

Like I said though, I am not very good at giving critiques. I am still learning to write better, and to edit, and to critique. So I apologize to lily that I had not originally given a critique of it.

My my, Lily, look what you have created ;)

I don't really understand the need for the first ellipses.

Apart from that I love it! What happened to the siren story?

It's nice to see a good piece of writing after reading over some horribly written ones.

I always enjoy your writing.

And as always, your writing drew me in instantly, leaving me to want more.

I love the imagery. I love how you describe the demon and Terra's internal conflict about trusting her.

You're very talented. :)

Add:

I don't know why xxmercre is getting so many thumbs up.

I've read enough of your writing to know that you are good at it.

And saying that writing about demons is laughable.....I didn't realize that all supernatural elements were off-limits.

@Remus D'Clure

Apparently.

They all just wish they could write half as good as you, lilyWhite ;)

@hannah

xxmercre had no valid reason for not liking the excerpt. Stating that he thought it was laughable that she was writing about demons is not a valid reason.

There is no reason to call this a bad fanfic.

I agree with Remus. He was attacking the excerpt.

Attacking for no reason like that...it makes me defend lilyWhite and her writing.

But that's just me.

First off, this is the first time I've come across an excerpt of yours. I like it. =)

Ignore the mean people, please.

I like your description of the woman in the pink dress; I can see her very easily. One thing to watch out for is saying words like 'beautiful' too much. You get to telling us she's beautiful instead of showing us how beautiful she is, if you get my meaning.

Love your last line. LOVE it.

EDIT: Lol! And by thumbing me down, you hope to accomplish... what exactly?

nice :) i liked it and it actually attracted me so i read it all lol

and the idea was different i mean the demons and the underwold thing..

anyways tell me sth,the smell in the flower hypnotised her or sth?? tell me moore

As nice as I would like to be, I found myself laughing as soon as the "demon" entered. This is bad fanfic. It's not your writing as much as it's the story.

Fantasy is probably the hardest subject to write, mainly because if not done well enough, its absolutely ridiculous and hilarious.

You should keep writing, and most importantly READ. Read everything you can get your hands on from all sorts of genres and writers. Your writing will improve the longer you do this.