What to do about my girlfriend's jerk ex husband, doesn't want me around his kids?

Question

My girlfriend has two kids from her ex-husband. They've been divorced for over two years and were seperated for six months before that. She's had a couple boyfriends since then, but none serious until me. I've been with her for about six months now; we get along great, I like her kids and vice versa, and I think this relationship is going to last.
The only problem is her ex, of course. He was/is verbally abusive to her and every time they talk she gets stressed out. He is very good at playing head games with her which is the the reason she left him in the first place. He is also unemployed strictly so she gets no child support; I know this because he and I have many friends in common and grew up in the same town. He has visitation every weekend which he blows off half the time to go to out drinking, and the kids cry. I could go on all night about the immature, petty games this douche plays, but I'll just get to the point. 
He says (very incorrectly) that I am a bad influence on his kids. I am a successful small business owner and have worked my butt off for what I have. I have never been to jail, kept my nose pretty  clean when everyone I knew was druggin' and boozin'. These kids, (6-boy and 11-girl) are awesome, smart kids who get no intellectual support from their father at all, and they have started to look up to me a little bit. 
The ex can't stand this, is making my girlfriend's life miserable, and is talking a bunch of crap to everyone he knows about how I am ruining his kids and am just with his ex for easy pu**y, which is also not true at all. 
I want to kick the crap out of him, try to knock some sense into him. Try to make him realize that if he just played nice things would be so much easier. It would not be a challenge for me to beat his *** at all, but I don't want to go to jail. He needs a serious attitude adjustment but I am clueless of how to give it to him. We live in a small, close knit suburb - and if I do something drastic it could actually affect my business. I have been incredibly diplomatic up to this point at my girlfriend's request. 
Any ideas?

? · Accepted Answer

I am so sorry, but there is nothing you can do to him.  But there are things you can do.  Don't rise to the bait, show confidence and love when with your girlfriend and her children.  Do not allow this bully to interfere with you lives.  Talk with your girlfriend and help her set boundaries with this douche.  Help her to say enough.  If he gets out of line tell her to warn him once, if it continues tell her to hang up on him and not answer his calls for a minimum of 24 hours.  Keep a calender of everyday he misses with the kids.  If he misses enough they will change to visitation order to every other weekend so the 4 of you can make plans to do things on the weekends and not have to worry whether or not he is going to show up.  Tell your girlfriend to keep a diary of everything he says and does.  It sounds like they may be in court again so to have this will be very beneficial.  Good Luck,

Anonymous · Answer

Let your girlfriend's ex spend Christmas with his kids at your girlfriend's parents' house. It would be a generous thing for you to do. You and your girlfriend could start your very own Christmas tradition of having Christmas morning to yourselves. Then you could pick up the kids later, go out to dinner and open a few special presents later when you get home. Send your presents to her parents' house ahead of time. You are only her live-in boyfriend at this time. Why subject her parents to all this drama? They understand a father's need to see his children so for a few hours at Christmas, I'm sure they can put up with him and at the same time enjoy having their grandchildren for this special time. That does not rob you and your girlfriend of anything. An early Xmas with the kids at his time and place is your answer to fixing things but the logistics of the matter are working against you... the only way he could do that is to celebrate Christmas on a day that is not Christmas. If he is willing to come to spend time with the kids, that is only a good thing for them. If her parents can tolerate him (they did for ten years so I don't think it's impossible), then what is the harm? You and your girlfriend are making this sound like a territorial issue - 'Christmas is ours, he's not invited'. Since her kids will always be hers and once again, as much as you may say you love her, you are her live-in boyfriend, the kids will always be his too. If you start drawing lines in the sand now, you will make things so much worse for the kids - in the meantime, without marriage, your relationship with their mother has a limited 'shelf life' so you'll walk off scott-free when the dust settles.

? · Answer

Well sounds like you have a girlfriend who can't open her mouth and tell this bum where to go and how to get there. If she's cowering down to his insults, she needs to step up,open her mouth and tell him to shove it. 

Anyway the kids are in the middle of this mess. Now you have to be reasonable.

If you want to endure thru this drama, you will have a hard battle. See, the first problem is the girlfriend who won't speak up. If she did that, he will back off. His only ammunition is belittling her and it's working. That's why she's stressed. She doesn't have to let this looser continue to enter her own life. The children on the other hand need to see their dad if they want to. They are old enough to even tell the judge in court they don't want to. And if the looser doesn't want to pay child support and his no employed, he can give up is parental rights and when you marry mama, the kids will be yours, if you give them your last name.

All situations can be fixed. If there is a blockage in a drain, that's why we have plummers. Only thing we can't fix is death.

So talk with your lady. If she can't start speaking up, your relationship is doomed. Cause if you marry her, you are marrying all her Samsonite (baggage) that goes with it. And yes, your business can be affected by this lout.

PeopleRcrz2Day · Answer

I didn't EVEN read what you wrote ...know why? Because, it's not YOUR place to decide what HE thinks about HIS<<<<<< kids! By your title and attitude I don't think Id want you near MY kids either.

Plus you sound immature, by saying you want to kick the crap out of him, how old are you 18?
You must be. GROW up. be cordial to the kids and shut your mouth and stop getting involved
in something that YOU don't know anything about THE TRUTH of both sides of the story! Of 
course your going to believe her, da your banging her! Mind your own business and stay out 
of it..your creating MORE drama, your also acting like a girl by just posting this!~ Wow.

Anonymous · Answer

I understand how frustrating it is to be the new partner, and to wacth the EX continue to treat your partner like cr@p.

The best way to be is to stay silent, and for your girlfriend to stay silent............do not respond in any way.

She doesnt have to converse with him at all. He can text her the times when he will pick them up, and wait outside for her to send them  out when he arrives.

Please start writing down all the abuse he lashes out. Because if he continues it you should think about a restraining or no contact order.

The mind games are a worry if he is doing this to the children,....maybe a new mediation could help?

My ex was continually bad mouthing me, and my girls decided they didnt want to visit anymore ( they are older 14 and 12)............I told him they were sick of him always whinging about me and talking about paying child support to them.....he took me to mediation and got told off! They cant be forced to go because of their ages now..........so they only go when THEY want to.

Good Luck

Anonymous · Answer

he is sick person.he is jealous with you....he is full of ego,arrogant person..he d'nt like tht his kids'll accept u as father..thats why he is creating problem..first to make ur girlfriend happy stop her to meet him...n be always with her...i'm if she ignore him thn he'll create some problem or force her to meet..if he do something harmful,abusing words or anything wrong than call police....u did n't mention that to meet kids weekly ,is court order?? if it's court order than consult any good lawyer n try to conveince judge in ur favour to stop his meetings with kids...shows in court that cause of him kids are suffering...he also giving threat to ur girlfriend.....because if u prove in court that cause of him kids n ur girlfriend also suffering,depress etc....kids are getting negative effect just because of him...if he meets kids than it'll be very bad for kids..if u really love her n want long last relation thn marry her...by this u'll get rights by court for protecting her n kids from him....thn court will be in u both favour....n it'll be best if kids say in court that they don't meet him.....

Anonymous · Answer

Yea your girlfriend can open her mouth and she doesn't let anyone speaking for her if he doesn't take a hint then press verbally charges on him and Threats make it stick

Anonymous · Answer

kicking  the crap out of him would be stooping to his level sounds like a jealous azzhole 

I feel bad for all ya except him

Anonymous · Answer

Perhaps he knows that she makes poor choices in men.

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What to do about my girlfriend's jerk ex husband, doesn't want me around his kids?

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