when to tell my son that "daddy" is not his biological father?

Question

My husband and i have been together since my son was 9 months old. His biological father has only seen him one time, about when he was seven months old. never paid child support, not on the birth certificate, never even done a paternity test. My husband and I are getting his name put on my sons birth certificate, my son is two now. so i would like to hear, from people who have gone through this, when to tell my son the truth. I am being tugged in two directions. My mother didnt know who her father was until junior high. she thought her and her brother had the same dad, but when her parents split up, she found out that her brothers dad wasnt really her dad. so she felt like her life was a lie. there is a little more to that story but i wont go into it. My brother in law, on my husbands side, is one of four boys. He was raised by my father in law and never knew any different until they sat him down when he as fifteen and told him. He didnt care, because as far as he was concerned, his true dad was the one who stayed around to raise him. So the problem is, my mother thinks i should tell him while he is growing up, but I think I would like to wait until he is older, and either asks, or we decide to tell him, and my husband agrees. But we just want to do what is best for our son. any opinions are greatly appreciated!

Update:

I am terribly sorry that I did not ask my question in a perfect grammatical mannor. I am pretty sure that it is because I am at work and in a hurry. Also, the fact that I have tourettes may have something to do with it as it comes with A.D.D. and I am always in a hurry to get things done. I graduated high school as number ten in my grade and even have a college degree, so lets not start judging my writing structure.

Thank you to those who left helpful answers. Its nice to get POSITIVE feedback on situations that I have zero experience in.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Happiness is an attitude to life that you must always keep in mind. It is much more than an emotion or feeling. To be truly happy, it is very easy; just follow these steps
Remember that nothing they can say should hurt you. You decide if you want to be hurt.
You are the owner of your life. You should not depend on anyone emotionally.
Remember that life is simple, but we humans make it complicated.
It is not about having the best home, or the latest phone model, it's about being happy with yourself.
Do what you please, but without hurting others.
Start by enjoying the most trivial pleasures, like a delicious snack or a good movie
Let us fight for a better life without feeling self-defeated.

? · Answer

The younger he is when you tell him, the easier he will accept it.  Obviously, the way you explain has to be matched to his level of comprehension.  Leaving it until a lot later I feel is courting trouble becasue it can come as a huge shock and I know of one teenager who actually had a nervous breakdown as a result of the shock of being told this traumatic news.   At 2 years old he is old enough to understand that a long time ago mummy and another man were together and had him, but didnt stay together.  Then another man (daddy) met mummy and loved her and him, and you have all been together as a family ever since.  That is sufficient at that age, no need to go into any further complicated explanations.  If he does ask why the other man didnt stay, you could just explain in a matter of fact way that sometimes people are friends only for a short while, unlike mummy and daddy who got married because they wanted to be together for ever.

Jane Tris · Answer

It doesn't matter if he can't process the information now - he will when he's older, but by then he won't be so surprised.

I think it's better to tell him now. Children are flexible - even if he does realize that what you're saying isn't exactly a good thing, he'll work through it. God forbids if he grows into a overreacting brooding pessimist - and then what? You tell him, and then he decides to kill himself? I'm not trying to be cold - those kind of things happen in this day and age.

With this obstacle, he'll be better equipped to face more difficult situations in the future. I really feel you should have a seat with him and just tell him. If he feels sad, give him some ice cream, snuggle him and tell him you still love him no matter what. That's not something you can easily do with someone who is older. He'd just tell himself, "You lied to me my entire life, how do I know you're not lying to me now?"

Anonymous · Answer

I would start broaching the idea now when he's young. It's obvious that your husband loves him or he wouldn't want his name on your son's birth certificate. It can be as simple as saying that daddy adopted you or is going to adopt you if it hasn't been done yet and explain that it means that he (your husband) would be his father under the law. I'm not sure how to explain that in 2 year old terms. But it is important that you do it now so that he doesn't feel like he's been living a lie when he does find out. You can go into more details as he gets older and begins to understand more.

Sally S · Answer

Moms and dads are the ones who stay from the get go... pay bills... put roof over head... there 24/7... any body can supply sperm and an egg... biological is way over rated...my son has a bio dad who is and was never around by his chose. my son considered dad to be the one who has always be there through the good and the bad times and he is the one my son calls to talk to and who he calls dad.  No need to tell him unless some medical problem comes up and you need a blood from the guy or something weird like that... best to you

M C · Answer

I would probably wait until after your husband and son have had plenty of father and son time, make sure they have that bond and that your son knows he is loved by this man, but also wait until he emotionally mature enough to understand it. Make sure your husband is active in the conversation and tells your son directly that he loves him, feels like his father and will always be there for him no matter what happens. I'd say between ages 11-14, when kids are still sweet, depending on when your son matures since every kid is different. But I wouldn't wait until he starts having that defiant teenage stage when hormones are crazy lol

Steve B. · Answer

You and your husband know your son best so you should choose together when it's best for him.  But in my opinion a 2 year old needs stability in the home, and learning this young that he's not the father may confuse him. You don't need to confuse a child still learning what this whole world is about.  But I'm not a psychologist so I suggest that you talk to a child therapist and ask them when and how to tell him.

Steve

misscacazzy · Answer

it should be on a needs to know basis.when you start telling him about birds a bees maybe gently bring it up but dont push it to much then when he starts asking questions give more info.aslong as he knows father and being daddy are poles apart

Oreo · Answer

I know someone that adopted their step son and gave them their last name. I guess its best to tell them while they are younger cas he broke my friends heart to tell his son and also to know it wasnt his real dad since they waited til he was a teenager,

George L · Answer

dont listen to the blunt ugly truth...he is just that...an ugly troll..getting high of putting people down instead of helping

funny thing is he wasted his time reading this and his energy to thing of something clever to say..

Trending News

when to tell my son that "daddy" is not his biological father?

13 Answers