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How long is too long to wait for him to propose?
I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years now. We first began dating in high school, I was 15 years old and I believe he was 14. I am now 23 and he is now 22 (but in another 2 months he too will be 23). Of course I know that because we started dating so young I was going to have to wait a long time before we could even start discussing marriage. But we are now at the age where the people around us are starting to begin their lives with each other (getting engaged/married). My boyfriend and I are both still in college and have both agreed that we don't want to get married until we've graduated, which is still about 2 years away. Although I agreed to this, it is still extremely hard for me to watch everyone around me begin their lives with their loved one when they have not even been dating them even half as long as I've been with my bf. I know this should not even be an issue, especially considering the fact that those couples have finished their schooling and are ready for that next step in life. Although, it’s hard not to be jealous of them, but I know that my bf and I are not quite there yet... yes we've been dating longer but we have no finical security and this is something that won’t be obtainable for us until we graduate. So I'm trying to ignore my surroundings and stick to the original plan and wait.
So now that yall have a slight background of us now to the reason I asked this question, "How long is too long to wait for him to propose?" My bf has always had commitment issues, because the divorce level is so high he has this horrible view on marriage. He feels that once you get married you won’t be able to accomplish a lot of your goals in life b/c you’re always going to have to address the other persons opinion about it. I don't fully understand why he feels this way, but I'm unable to change his outlook on it. Yet when I ask him if he’s EVER going to want us to get married he says yes, but not for a while.... imagine how I'm beginning to feel knowing first of all his bad outlook on marriage, 2nd that he feels once he marries me that I would be holding him back from the things the wants to do in life and 3rd that its going to a AWHILE until he even starts thinking about marriage. Our original plan of waiting until we graduate has now gone down the drain. Now not only does he NOT want to get married after college but he wants to wait until he is completely independently stable. I understand that he has a lot of things that he wants to accomplish in life, but I'm beginning to feel like I'm not one of them.
I asked him if he would even start saving for a ring once he graduated and he told me probably not b/c he 1st wants to save for a new car and for a place of his own before he even starts thinking about saving for a ring. I don't know what to do, I love my boyfriend so much, and I want to wait until he’s ready to get married. I don't want him to feel forced into marrying me, but at the same time I don't want to be taken for granted and not have him even consider about my feelings and what I want in life.
How do I know if he seriously wants to marry me someday or if he's just making excuses and really doesn't want to marry me. And how do I know if he’s serous about his feelings on marriage, could it be a maturity thing or is he already set in his ways (keep in mind he’s still 22), or could he feel that way b/c of me...am I just not THE ONE but he just doesn't know it yet?
I want to get married, and I know some people are thinking that marriage is just some piece of paper, and that we don't need it to be happy. I sorry but for those who feel this way, but you don't need to comment and say this particular opinion b/c I just don't agree with you. For me, that paper is so much more than just a piece of paper, it’s a symbol of someone’s love and devotion it’s their commitment to you and shows that they are willing to not only share but risk everything they have worked for all their life for you. I want to finally be able to share a home together, to sleep next to each other and to someday start a family together. And I refuse to live together before being married. Call me old fashion but when I get married I want it to FEEL like a Big Deal and I want it to be life changing. I just feel like if I was to live with him before getting married, that once it finally happened, everything will feel the same as it did before we were married, this is how I can see marriage becoming "just a piece of paper" and I don't ever want to look at marriage in that way. I want to try and wait for him b/c I love him, but am I just waiting for something that's never going to happen... Considering I have NO CLUE when he will even begin to consider proposing to me.
1 Answer
- xKLv 710 years agoFavorite Answer
I married a divorce attorney who came from a broken home where the father was abusive, and who had been dumped by his last fiance, so believe me, I KNOW how you feel, lol. Plus we had dated longer than most of my married friends. I also had a friend who was engaged then broke up then met a new guy then got engaged again, all while we were dating! And we're in our 30s, so I felt my biological clock ticking, hehe.
(This will be lengthy, but please consider it with an open mind.)
That said, a lot of what he says makes sense. Waiting until you graduate. (You agree with that.) Waiting until you are financially stable. Also very smart. A car and house should be a priority over a wedding ring and a wedding. I totally support this viewpoint.
On the other hand, being married is pretty much the same as being in a serious relationship. I know my relationship with my husband didn't change when we said our vows. He was still considerate and told me when he'd be late from work. I still told him when I was going out with a friend. Marriage isn't the reason you consult the other person; I'm assuming he already does this. Marriage also doesn't prohibit you from doing anything, unless that "anything" is having wild drunken threesomes with prostitutes or going on a cruise and plowing every girl on the ship. So that viewpoint makes no sense to me.
I'm going to say this, and I know a lot of people say this and it ticks you off. But you're both still young. You may have been together for 8 years, which is awesome, but it also means you haven't really experienced anything. You're barely into adulthood, you probably did not date around, you probably did not sleep around, you probably did not have any other serious relationship. I understand the hesitation. There is a lot of the world you haven't seen and done because you've been in a relationship.
So could he decide you're not the one and vice versa? Absolutely. It can happen at any time to any one but especially when the relationship starts out young. You feel cheated almost, that you haven't gotten to experience everything. For some couples, this is 100% okay. My sister met her husband at 15, they got married at 19, and they've been married for 8 years. That's not to say their relationship has been perfect and that they haven't considered divorce on more than one occasion.
I honestly believe that if you two stick together, he will eventually decide to get married. I really don't see him as committing to you for so long and then deciding marriage is a stupid idea. Not saying it can't happen, but it's not that likely. However, like I said, he may feel like he hasn't achieved everything because he's always been in a relationship. Yes, this sounds stupid, but it's true. He's hesitating for a reason.
You two are on different pages right now. You want to get married; you are certain of your decision. He is not. That doesn't mean he's going to change his mind about you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he's still young, inexperienced, and immature. For guys, career is a HUGE priority. They grow up basically being told they are the primary breadwinners, and if they can't support their family, they are worthless. That's why most guys aren't married until later in life; they feel that they NEED to have these things accomplished before they ever put a ring on it. Women, on the other hand, primarily feel the need for family, husband, children, picket fence, dog, etc. You can do that at any time. As you get older, the need gets stronger (biological clock!). Since you feel secure in your relationship, and since your marriage is about your relationship, it's time. For guys, marriage is about the relationship but also about providing for his wife, providing for his children, being the best he can be. He doesn't feel secure yet.
So yes, it's difficult to be around people who have what you want. (I cried when my friend got engaged.) But if you can try to look at it from a different perspective, it might help you see why he is hesitating. I have no doubt that he loves you and sees a future with you. (Eight years together is nothing to roll your eyes at.) But he's not ready now. He may not be for another 5 years. How long you want to wait is up to you.
I suggest you keep the lines of communication open between the two of you about future goals and plans. Work together to achieve the car and the house. Support him in his endeavors to find the job that's going to support your family. You can bring up marriage again, but I wouldn't count on the proposal for a while. Again, how long you choose to wait is up to you, and it definitely sucks to be in that situation -- but like you said, you can't force him and it'll likely make him feel blackmailed anyway.
