How do I handle my parents? (Re-posted, I needed more answers!)?

Question

I am currently in love and engaged to the love of my life, a man I enjoy coming home to. Unfortunately, my parents don't know about my engagement. I got engaged without their "blessing" so to speak because they hate my fiance, and I have stopped caring about what they like for good reason.

My parents want me to be with my ex fiance. He is a Marine who makes more money after taxes than my fiance, and they really want me to marry him. They have even gone so far as to invite him to our house to try to get us back together. My parent's aren't oblivious. They know that this man has physically hurt me before, and that it took every iota of strength I had to pack my things and leave, glass shards embedded in the back of my head and all. They know to the extent I've been broken and bloodied and bruised by this very man, but they still continue to try to push me on him. They tell me that I should just look around his anger issues and keep my mouth shut; sometimes I get a little over-opinionated. Perhaps their lack of sympathy made me stay with him longer, but I want kids and my mindset was focused on the horror of bringing a child into that situation, which was ultimately my motive to leave. I haven't talked, seen, or even bothered to reach out to my ex. I don't want to know how he's doing. I don't want to know how much he misses me.

My parents, instead of listening to me, have decided to take the matter into their own hands and invited my ex over to stay at their home for the holidays. I could literally strangle them both over this. My fiance and I have already established the fact that we will be together despite what anyone says, because we love each other. I refuse to leave him just so I can go back to some power-obsessed freak that wants nothing more to do with my body than hurt it.

Finally I told them that I'm not coming home if they want to bring my ex around. They are furious, but I'm not changing my mind. My fiance's mother absolutely adores me, and would love nothing more for us to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with her and her family. My fiance's mother is a very elderly lady, and she is happy that her son is settling down. She's ready for us to hurry and get "hitched" so that she can have a cute little grandbaby before she gets too old to remember. I have no problem in the least spending all of my holiday time with my fiance's family. They have welcomed me with open arms.

Now to the question: How do I handle my parents in this situation? I still haven't told them about my engagement, and I had planned on doing it for Christmas. How can I get them to understand that I don't have even a tinge of love nor respect for the man that broke a wine bottle over my head? (Yes, that is in reference to the glass embedded in my head.)

Rocky · Accepted Answer

Simply tell your parents together as to not repeat yourself:

I love you, and I respect you, now respect me, I have free will to choose the way I live my live and with whom I choose to live.  I;m asking that you will give me the respect by not trying to run my life and allow me to choose the mistakes I will have to pay for not you.  If you can't give me the respect as an adult I'm entitled to, then I will put distance between us until you can accept me and my right to my own decision.  Now I'll leave to let you think about that.  And to let me know you have uninvited my ex, or I'll take it that you do not wish to see me for the holiday, love ya bye!

? · Answer

Ah, Eastern parents...  I'm from that part of the world, so I can attest to the problems with expectations from that part of the world.  Well, after doing the "right" thing and marrying what they blessed, I ended up with a miserable marriage and an unreasonable princess who expected to enjoy all the luxury of the east and west with no accountability.  it was like she won the lottery - i want a driver, nanny, cleaner, cook and I want to sit all day with my girlfriends, spend money, shop and talk on the phone.

Arrg, enough with my rant...that's my issue.  In the end, despite best intentions no one knows what is really good for you.  If your parents have raised you well, they've obviously instilled values that you carry close to your heart.  If their objection is money, then you have every right to dismiss their objection.  But if it is something else, be honest with yourself.   Look at the long term, in the end if you come from a typical eastern family you know that you never marry the person, but the family.  How is that going to play out?  Are you really comfortable with living as an individual and away from family?  As much as you'd like the Hollywood "white picket fence" we're unfortunately from a different world that doesn't play out...Bollywood.  

Look deep into your heart for what are the important principles and values that you need in a partner and if he has it, then just tell them.  If they see that you're thinking on the same value base you're fine.  If they don't and you honestly feel that this true in your heart, move ahead!  Otherwise, you need to avoid the headache and listen.

Good luck.

Tirtha Pratim Das · Answer

First, whatever your ex did was a criminal offence, categorized as attempt to murder. He has done it more than once to you. If you really have to bother about your future, do not tie the nuptial knot with him. Parents also can make mistakes, in this case they are making.

You are correct in your decision. Now that question is how do you handle your parents.

Would you really bother about how will your parents react when it is a question of your life and death ? My suggestion is that , you should never bother about what they (your parents and ex) have to say. Is it possible for you and your fiance to get married soon ? At least the legal processes need to be over. Once your marriage is legalized, it will be good to you.

After your marriage is over, they are not likely to disturb you. If they do, there are legal medicines for them to swallow.

euhmerist · Answer

Stop playing games!  They DO understand you! Don't you even recognize a "different" opinion when you see one?  FOR REAL - TAKE YOUR STAND!!!  You said what you SHOULD HAVE meant - NOW DO IT!!! Stay away from them - or admit YOU have a problem!

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How do I handle my parents? (Re-posted, I needed more answers!)?

4 Answers