Am i wrong for holding a grudge this long?

Learning that your mom killed herself was almost more than you could handle and would not have been any less painful had you learned of it right away, but the way you learned of it, much later, was even more disorienting. I can't say whether your dad made the right choice or not. Both alternatives were terrible and there was no way to win. Parents usually choose to shield their children from trauma if they possibly can and I think they sometimes do this because they don't want to face the issue themselves. I would like to say that it is always done to protect a young person from unnecessary grief but, having had my own childhood tragedy, I know that I was protected from nothing and, if anything, I just suffered more because I could make no sense of things for many years. I think of it now as a wound that couldn't heal.

You have every right to be angry with your mother for deserting you. You have every right to be angry with your father if you feel that he too betrayed you by how he handled it. I have no idea what drove your mother to such a desperate act but I came close once myself and would probably have followed through had not one of my friends done so years earlier and taught me just how it feels to those who care about you. I'm sure you understand.

You probably know what I am going to say next. You are entitled to all the anger, resentment, and bitterness you want. I once knew a wonderful old lady who said that she could hold a grudge for as long as it was convenient. God bless Rosadieu Crenshaw! Now I am old myself and I am happy to tell you that forgiveness has set me free. That is my wish for you.

I don't think you should hold this against your father anymore. He did what he thought was best. Can you imagine telling a ten-year-old that his or her mother killed themselves, on their birthday? That would absolutely crush them. Even if you think you could stomach it, it would scar the child for life. They would constantly question themselves and why their own mother (or stepmother, that part didn't make too much sense) would kill themselves on their birthday. They would always assume that it was something that they did, that made their mother/stepmother that unhappy.

You should forgive him, because don't forget that he had to live with this for all these years. It affected him in ways you probably can't even imagine, and all he could do was keep silent about it until he thought you could handle it. He was the one who managed to raise you after all these years, and you should never forget that. Love your father while he is still with you, or you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

I think its messed up he told you on your birthday but id say he was just lying to you so you didn't get hurt. I could see where he was coming from though it would probably be easier to hear a person died than hearing they killed themselves. I really think he meant the best. Ive never held a grudge against anyone so of course i would forgive him. It has also been proven that people who hold grudges will develop serious health problems...there was this guy who held this grudge against people who would talk **** on him in school just because he was black. He had such a hatred for them that something was going on with his health...i forgot what exactly happened but it almost killed him. After forgiving these people and moving on he returned to full normal health. I suggest making peace with him. Its not an easy task for most people to forgive but for your sanity and health i suggest talking to him about it.

Don't be mad and angry (it's not healthy for you either!). Parents will do just about anything to protect their kids. It wasn't until I became a parent myself that I understood lies I was told growing up. I had a childhood friend growing up that her mom lied and told her that her dad died. My mom told me telling me not to say anything that the man was still alive in that town, but he was an alcoholic and didn't want anything to do with her. As a child, I thought it was horrible the mom lied, but now that I'm older, I realize I would have done the same thing for my kids.

Well I think you really have to look at it from a different angle. As a parent your father did what he thought was the right thing, he was trying to protect you from something you wouldnt of understood at ten years old, its hard to understand at any age, but for a child to try to deal with a suicide is something different. Her death itself must of been hard enough. I think you should think about this and try to understand from your dads point of view, imagine what he had to cope with at the time. Imagine trying to tell a ten year old what had really happened, would you of told the truth? I dont think I would. I wouldnt of been able to answer all the questions you would of had. I think its time to drop the grudge now and think about your dad, you are punishing him for loving you enough to protect you, and I think with all he has been through he could do with some of that love back. Parents dont always get it right in their childrens eyes, there is no rule book for them, they can only try for us.

Sorry for your loss x

You were still a teen back then,

Now you are an adult.

Don't hold a grudge because of a loving father that didn't want to hurt his daughter.

He waited for the right moment.

It wasn't all about just your feelings, your father's feelings were involved too. He had to feel comfortable for when it was time to tell you.

You have to give him the time for him to think up his choices of words so that it does minimal damage possible.

Simple answer.

Yes, you are wrong to hold a grudge.

You need to ask, What was his motive?

The answer is Love for you!

OK his method may not be what you liked but his motive was unimpeachable. therefore to hold a grudge will simply harm both of you.

what would you have done if you were the parent