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What would you do if this happened with one of your friends?
I have a friend who I love dearly. We've known each other 3 ish years now. For the first couple years of our friendship, I felt completely comfortable talking to him about anything. I was kinda going through a hard time, and he was always there for me and made me feel better. No matter what it was, he was always willing to listen and try to help. And I, in turn, did the same for him. He'd talk to me about stuff and even told me that I was the one of the only ones he felt comfortable talking to about certain things. We had a great dynamic and although we talked about a lot of deep stuff, we had a lot of fun too. He was one of my best friends, and I was one of his.
Now, though, things have changed drastically. We hardly ever talk anymore. He doesn't return my phone calls or texts, so the only way I can get a hold of him now is by email, and a lot of times he won't even return those. He has become so absorbed in his work and other projects at home that at the end of the day, picking up the phone and talking people in his life has become "too much work"...therefore he goes months and months without talking to anybody.
So it's not just me that he's doing this too. Whenever I do get to talk to him (well, "talk" via email...we haven't actually talked since July) he tells me not to take it personally, because he doesn't have close relationships with anybody anymore, not even his family. I have been doing my best not to take it personally when my phone calls aren't returned or when I text him saying "I need to talk, can I call?" and he replies with "can't talk...too busy". I DO know that he treats everyone this way, and it's not just me. But what bothers me is the fact that we aren't close anymore. I feel like I barely know the guy! It bothers me that he doesn't care to know what's going on with me anymore. I am ALWAYS interested to hear about his life. I want to know how his job is going. He is currently in the process of building his own cabin, and I always want to know about the progress and how he's doing with it. etc etc etc. Big things are happening in my life at the moment and does he care enough to ask about any of it? Nope. It bothers me that the only time he'll ever contact me is when he is bored to death (which is a VERY rare occurrence). It bothers me that instead of a good friend he really cares about, I have become just someone he talks to occasionally to pass the time when he has nothing better to do. It bothers me that I am putting forth a lot of time and effort into our friendship, and I am getting NOTHING in return. We don't talk very often now as it is, but I feel like if I stopped trying to contact him and initiating conversations, we would never talk again.
What should I do? I oftentimes think that I'd probably be better off to just let everything go and move on with my life, with or without him. It's just hard, ya know? I have known him know for only 3 years, but I feel like he's been in my life forever. We got along soooo well, had soooo much fun together, and were basically best friends. And to lose that would be devastating. I feel like I am in denial, though, because I think the reality of the situation is that I have already lost it. What do you think? Should I stick around for the sake of the friendship and hope that one day things can become good again? Every day that it's not hurts...really bad.
BTW, I can't talk to him about any of this stuff. I have tried, but it always always ends in a big fight. Last month, I finally reached him via email, and I expressed my sadness about us not talking in two months. I asked him if, from now on, we could maybe talk more than just once every two months. And he FREAKED out. He told me I was being needy and clingy and that I was pushing him away with my "behaviour". What???? It's not like I asked to talk to him every day!!! I didn't even request to talk to him once a week! Just a little more than once every two months! He then proceeded to tell me that I need to learn what an "adult relationship" is like. He said that I should "open my eyes and look around" and see that it's 100% normal for friends to talk very little like that. Is that true? I have never ever had a friendship like that, nor do I know anyone with friendships like that. Yes, everyone has a person or two in their lives whom they only talk to once in a blue moon. But in my book
Oh and for the record, I am soooooo happy for him that he has found a job that he loves and that he's good at. He was struggling with that when I first met him. I am so unbelievably proud of him. I really am :)
MY FIRST "ADDITIONAL DETAILS" CUT OFF, IT SHOULD SAY: In my book, those are just acquaintances. True friends don't call each other once every couple months and say "hey, how are you? Good? Me too. Been busy. Well I'm pretty tired. Cya"
3 Answers
- 10 years agoFavorite Answer
He isn't thinking about you or others.. It's sounds like he's very selfish and only thinks about himself. He is your friend but I wouldn't consider him a good friend. People come in and out of your life. True friends always stays. True friends will go there way out just to listen to you.. I know you would for him but would he for you? Sounds like a no... He isn't worth holding onto if he doesn't value your friendship.. I was once in your shoe my onced good friends have long gone forgotten about me and til this I still treasure the friendship i once had... It takes two to make it work. You've done your part and it looks like he's doesn't care to meet you half way. I'm sure you have many friends who can't wait to hear from you.. Don't waste your energy on him waste your energy on the friends who you know will never ignore you.. If it's really bothering you that bad email him expressing your feelings.. If he understands he'll make time for you considering you as a good friend.. If he doesn't that's when you know he doesn't value the friendship as much as you do and don't deserve to have a good friend like you..
- 10 years ago
If his work is his life I don't see how can that be a bad thing!! There are people like me for example that once we get our dream job working in what have always been our passion we just forget about everything else because our job it's our #1 priority because we feel that our job is our purpose in this life and there is nothing people can do about that. I do not return phone calls to my friends never either and it does not mean our friendship is over, it simply means I am 100% focus in my goals and career and I do not want to dedicate time to anyone or anything else that my career. Probably the best way to describe it is that we are selfish (from an outsider's point of view) but from our point of view we are "ambitious people with big HUGE dreams" and we WAN"T to make them happened and if we HAVE to sacrificed any relationship ( husband, wife, family, and friends) we have NO problem in doing so. If you really care about your friend just let him be and let him do what he is doing, and do not keep taking it personal because then he will be the one who will take it personal and end up the friendship. I have ended friendship and contact with family, and anyone else that keeps trying to make me stop what I am doing to be able to have time for them, why? because i am OVERPROTECTIVE WITH MY GOALS AND WHEN WE FEEL SOMEONE IS A THREAT TO OUR GOALS WE CUT ANY RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE WITH THAT PERSON BECAUSE WE FEEL THAT THEY ARE GOING TO HOLD US BACK. I hope my explanation helps you.
- 10 years ago
IF i cared that much then for that person then I will do my best to get an address or were he/she works. personally talk to that person somehow if the person refuses at that moment then I with threaten cut all tides with that person. If the person refuses still then I will leave and never talk to that person again. if it were me I will not refuse a friends visit no mater what.
IF you cant have a face to face talk then still do the same things as you were doing but at the meantime find someone else to keep you company you decide after that. Humans cant stay alone for to long it will start to hurt more and more after time.
person that had to leave friends behind for a certain reasons. also feeling really badly that pain of loneliness to a point of crying. childhood friend seperation the other had her very own baby in her hands but maibe it was my fault since i never expressed my feelings.
