Social Anxiety : School issues. (LONG)?

I'm sorry that this is long, but to actually explain my problem, I have to make it long.

I'll start off with : I'm a girl. I just turned 14 two weeks ago. I'm in 8th grade. The school I got to is from 7th-9th There's about 1,000 kids at my school. In 8th grade theirs about 300. ALL the 8th graders have lunch together. Our lunch room is HUGE and theirs like 23 tables.

Since I started school (kindergarten) I had NO friends. I switched schools at 7th grade. I don't have any friends. Why? Social anxiety :( There's lime 30 kids per most of my classes. We usually have 5 minutes after each class to talk to friends, and I'll be sitting there, looking like a complete r3tard. People would look at me and I'd take a notebook out and pretend to do homework. The. I would just right down random stuff on the paper, and wait till the bell rings.

Some girls were actually nice to try and talk with me during some classes, but I just had to ruin it. I get so nervous when people talk to me. So when they ask me "hey, what class do u have next?" or "I like your shirt!" I just smile and I don't talk back. And they would look at me in the eyes and my eyes water really bad, and I would start doing weird hand motions. Like id take my notebook out and start flipping through the papers. They'd just watch me like I've gone crazy.

Now for the worst part. This is the most depressing part of school : lunch. Because of lunch I've thought about suicide sooooo much times. I now this is stupid but I also did self harm because of lunch.... Anyways. At lunch time everyone goes in and sits then they wait till their table is called to go up. I use to sit with this random group of friends, but I was at the end of the table an they would all whisper to each other about me or pick their books up and move. So now I sit alone. I tried to ask someone if I can sit by them but they would be like "sorry our tables full." then when I walk away they would all laugh and whisper. The only empty seat is the "main" seat. No one sits there cause it's right where all the garbage bins are. So when I sit there LOTS of people stare at me. And all these thoughts go through my mind -> "when I get home I'll just hang my self so I won't have to be humiliated" and "i wish I can just be normal. they probably think I'm some kind of loser". Anyways when my table gets called up, I go in line and wait. EVERYONE else in line has friends to talk to, but I just stand their looking around..." Then I get my tray an go sit, and eat with my head down. Then When I get done, if I have homework I will do it, if I don't, I'll just scibblr on piece of paper for the remain 10 minutes. I hate this soOo much. I also skipped lunch like 5 times and went to the nurse and lied and said I had a headache. Then id go to my locker and Stand their till the bell rings.

Theres a rule that you can't leave the cafeteria and eat. If the hall monitors find you in the hallways during lunch or In the bathroom, you'd get a detention. That's why I don't stand by m locker that often. And you can't go to the library during lunch, except if you have a pass. But I can do that everyday.... I did go to the bathroom about 3 times during lunch after I ate. I just couldn't stAnd sitting their alone at this big table, while people are staring at me. So I went to the bathroom, and yes, I cried. Then, I know this is wrong but, I took a siccors from my pencil case and cut my shoulders very deep. It was a better feeling than sitting alone at lunch while having the feeling 300 kids are staring at you.

Im NOT going to join any clubs or sports. I won join band. Me trying to attempt to make friends? I've been trying since 5th grade. But I gave up last year. When I talk to my classmate I would stutter and mix my words up and be all twitchy and stuff. I would be really embarrassed. Like this one girl asked me "who do you have for math?" and I'm like "I think I don't... I have...... I need... To check my....well maybe I.... No my schedule..." then she watched me weird and I was thinking to myself "UGH WHY DO I HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS!!!!!!!"

I cant tAlk to the guidance because they'd be like "oh I'll find you a spot to sit at lunch" but all the kids hate me probably and they'd be like "omg this girl has no life,blah blah blah" and so on.

At home I'm fine. Like I'm really loud and stuff. My brothers are always making fun of me for having no friends and being shy though.... I act like it's okay, but it's not. This whOle school stuff is driving me crazy. I don't want to see a whatever you called it...(those people who help you with problems). I go back to school on Monday. Im thinking about smashing my ankle with a hammer until the bone breaks. That w