Another major row with gay son?

Hello Chris. There's much in what you describe that we can ignore, but the underlying theme is that your son is gay and you hate the idea. You love him dearly but you have possibly thrown money and material things at him rather than fatherly guidance, sensible discipline and most of all, fatherly love.

You ask why did you get him as your son. That's easy to answer if he is your biological son, because he is who and what he is from his parents genes. So it's not his fault he's gay and neither is it yours or your wife's. Many fathers of gay sons react in a negative way because they falsely see it as a reflection of their own masculine image and what society deems to be 'normal'. I'm not condoning your behaviour in this, just acknowledging some of the reasons behind it.

Your son's behaviour is to be expected. Maybe not necessarily right or correct, as young men have to make mistakes to learn about life. But considering your reactions and aggressive behaviour I think his is less astonishing.

You are rapidly running out of opportunities to put all this right. Possibly you have now over stepped the mark and there is no going back, but possibly you can regain some ground and respect from your son if you put your feelings and his sexuality into perspective. You need to ask how you would have acted if he was straight but still did the things he's done (with girls). Not for me or anyone else to tell you how to be a parent, until you admit you're making a real pigs ear of it. I think in your situation we are about at that point!

Maybe you could ask him for his forgiveness and compassion, if you agree that you want to learn from the past, you want above all his happiness and that you love him as your son. Ask him and his partner to meet with you on neutral ground with a third party (someone who neither of you know but who has sufficient respect and experience to act as a guide/counselor/chair person) so that you can explain where you are coming from, your fears and concerns and what you want to achieve from such a meeting. Allow him AND his partner to have their input and try to accept their views and perceptions of you and your behaviour. Lots of self analyzing to be done by you and maybe some emotional challenges and conflict with what you have been brought up to believe and the reality of the situation. Such a meeting will only be positive if you all remain clam and all agree to acknowledge the effect ones behaviour has had on the other. The aim of such a meeting must be to draw a line under past events, maybe after appropriate apologies and explanations if deemed important and move on to an agreed mutual respect and understanding.

There's lots of other stuff in your question but for me, it's all about you, your feelings and your son being gay. Sort it or lose him. Chaz

I think you definitely acted out of term, but what's happened has already happened now and cannot be taken back. You need to fully apologise to your son, for everything - attacking him, verbally abusing him, and saying those horrible things such as 'you should have been aborted'.

It is extremely difficult for many gay teens to 'come out' to their parents, so I don't blame him for 'lying' to you his entire life - the way society acts, and from your reaction to him being gay, I'd say he was perfectly justified in not wanting to tell you. You also seemed very upset that he 'had the nerve' to disrespect you when you were going to promote him at work - of course he's not going to forgive you straight away, you attacked him! You could give him all the money in the world, and he'd still be bitter towards you, so don't expect a simple apology to work straight away. And don't try an buy this apology with promotions and expensive gifts - it's just really not sincere.

You need to let him know that you still love him, because right now he's probably thinking otherwise. Think back over this situation and pretend you caught him having sex with a girl in your garden. Of course, if I were you, I'd be mortified and yell at him to either get to his room or, at the very least, make sure for definite that you wouldn't be home to witness it. It's just polite. But if it had been a girl, would you have beat him up? Would you have told him he should have been aborted and that you hate him? Somehow, I don't think so.

I'm not excusing your actions, but I think perhaps you are just part of a generation that was brought up to shun the outsiders, such as homosexuals. But you must understand that it is perfectly natural - homosexuality isn't a choice, and it isn't something that only happens with humans, there are many homosexual animals, too. It's a part of nature, it happens all the time. People are just brought up to believe that it is wrong, which is awful, and can lead to situations such as the one you have got yourself in.

I would try sitting down and just talking to your son. Tell him that you overreacted terribly, and you regret it, you're sorry, and you hope he can forgive you. At the same time (in a non-confrontational way) tell him that you were upset to see him having sex - whether it would be with a girl or a boy - in your garden. You cannot change the man he is growing into, if he's gay then he's gay, you just need to accept that. It might not be easy for you at first, but I'd like to think that eventually you will see that your son's happiness is more important to you than what a few small-minded people have to say for themselves.

I hope things work out okay between you two, good luck.

You need to straighten some things out in your own head before trying to deal with your son.

1/ Your son is gay. Deal with it. It's not a reflection on your parenting and it's not illegal nor is it immoral.He is 18 so, legally he's an adult. He can date whomever he likes and it sounds like he is in a committed relationship. It doesn't sound like you did a bad job of raising him

2/ You gave him the position of Managing Director (a very adult position), then not only did you take that away (apparently not because he couldn't do the job but just because he showed up with his partner and you couldn't deal with that in an adult manner), but you also took away his shares in the company. "The father giveth and the father taketh away". You are sending mixed signals. First about whether or not you acknowledge him as an adult and also as your son.

3/ He stands up to you because he is an adult. Whether you like it or not, he is an adult and will only get more independent with age. If you want to continue being a part of his life, you need to start looking at him as such.

I know this seems a bit over simplified and I realize it's not going to be easy, but you never stop being a parent even though the job changes over the years. You need to grow with your child.

Firstly you said that he has lied to you all his life, but if this is how you reacted maybe this is why he lied to you about being gay, If he thought this is how you would react, why would he want to come out to you. I mean if you wanted to tell someone something that you knew would make them really angry with you, would you want to tell them?

Secondly, you have to accept that your son is gay, he was born gay and there isnt anything you or anyone else can do about it. All you can do is show him you still love him. You MUST appologise to him about everything, even explain that it may take time for you to accept it, but tell him you are trying.

Try to meet with him again and talk, carmly!!!, just talk, how long has he known he was gay, does anyone else know, is he happy. That is your main goal as a parent, making him happy, if he is happy with who he is, why should you care about his lifestyle, just so long as he is happy.

But I do strong urge you to meet with him and talk in a carmly manner (without alcohol) and appologise to him and that you over-reacted.

Also you dont have to, but maybe meet his boyfriend, obviously this may take time for you, so you dont have to rush meeting him, but sometimes when you have calmed down a bit and accepted it more, maybe meet him and talk with him to, you never know, you might like him.

Finally I want to say, people are born gay, it isnt a choice, so no matter what life your son had growing up, he was always going to be gay, no matter what you did, he was born gay and his feelings will always be as they are. It cant be changed, just like you cant change the color of your eyes, skin, height etc...

So I hope you choose to accept it

meet with him again, and appologies and talk

Good luck, and hope your son accepts your appology as he may not after the way you reacted.

Hope this helps

Ben

California ranks 34th out of the fifty states in SAT scores. Take out the private school numbers and California has to be near the bottom. Rewriting history books and taking time from teaching the basics to teaching agenda is absolutely counter-productive from an education point of view. From a political point of view, it picks up the endorsement of supporters of gay rights, but is that the role of public secondary education, especially in a state that simply can't get it right educationally?

You first need to accept that you cannot modify him and that you should not try. Give yourselves some time and space to cool down and to think about the situation.. When you are ready,hand-write a letter to him acknowledging his right of personal choice, regretting the rift between you, regretting the things that you said that caused him pain and suggesting that you meet him and his partner on neutral ground so that you can try to understand a lifestyle that you find alien from yourself. Provided that you all stay calm, you should be able to construct a relationship where you agree to differ, but without animosity.

being gay is prbebly the hardest thing in the world today you make me sick to be perfectly honest and im quite supprised your son hasnt tried to put you in hospital. yeh he shouldnt of mouthed of to you but you were deffiniately wrong to shout at him again. he probebly bought him to your work to see how u would react and he got just the awnser he was looking for. an excuse never to speak to you again. hes your son for goodness sake even if your angry at him you never say he should have been aborted and such evil things like that and for punching him, you are a sick disturbed man that should be in a prison!

Abuse is never the answer,even if you were drinking and second of all he is 18, he is his own person. If he wanted to open up he should've felt comfortable but you abused him and that mus'tve been what your son was worried about and makes you no better than the people who beat up gay people. You should be ashamed..

Flaws of this story, Two entire bottles of Vodka? You'd be out cold or unable to hit a fly. What in the blue hell where you doing, counting the seconds as you grabbed him by the throat? Seriously, this is far fetched that even the most ignorance person could tell this is Grade A 100% Newly Out Of the Animal Itself Fresh ******* (Self-Censoring).

At first, I also thought this was a troll. But I read your other question when the above happened, and it does sadden me to realise, chances are this isn't a troll. You sound a bit like "Joan Crawford"? You know, Mommie Dearest? I'll link you to the film below.

You need mental help, and after all the abuse; so does your son.