My son has broken my heart...?

Question

Hi
I get through the year of not getting my heart broken by a man and now I feel my son has broken it! lol

He moved away when he was 17.  A four hour journey away.  I hardly see him.  He left home 18 months ago.  A woman who is the mother of a friend he met on the internet came to my house to collect his belongings...filled up her car and drove away with him.  He made his decision.  I could not stop him and cried my heart out.  He had locked himself away in his room for 5 years, was sullen, trashed the house and we rowed a lot because he would not help.  He left school and refused to get a job and just trashed our home whilst I went out to work.  He then started going awol for weeks and came home for clothes now and again not telling me where he was or what he was doing.

One day I discovered a bank statement - a man was putting large amounts of money into his account.  My ex husband knew what was going on but made out he knew nothing.  He told me our son had gone away to a male friend he had met on the internet.  It broke my heart and my son refused to tell me 'his business'.

So back to this woman coming to take my son and his things.  I cried my heart out all the time he was packing and she told me she would take care of him and be his surrogate mum?????

I later found out on facebook that my son was actually in a relationship with this man he met on the internet and that they lived together in a house as a family with her and her other children.

My son turned eighteen.  He visited a few times.

I asked him to come home for Christmas and bring his partner.  He said no but I could go and stay with them if I wanted to.

It broke my heart to watch them be a family.  He even calls his partner's mother mum!  She wrapped a cheap present up for me from him and wrote my name! not mum but my name from him!!!  he bought her lots of gifts.  I felt like I was intruding on their family.

I spoke about my son and the family spoke to me as though my son was nothing to do with me but belonged to them not me.  I joked about something my son had done out of character and the mother answered with ' oh he has always done that'.  

I came home and the tears keep streaming down my face and my heart hurts.

My son said he did not like living home because I am a clean freak and expected him to clean up all the time???  he now lives in a huge house that resembles a builiding site come squat. I had told him that he had to get a job and help out if he did not want to further his education but he refused.  This woman lets him live rent free.  He does not have to contribute a penny to the household bills!  He saves his money and they know about his finances.  He has just got himself a part time job, I am proud of him for that.  The parents of the partner who is in his mid twenties! say that they in a few years will give the 'boys' money to get their own place.  I told my son that I wish I could do that for them but was not in a position to do so.  He answered with, well neither are his parents but they are still going to help us.

My son is happy that is the main thing.  I worry so much about him. I feel so hurt that he has chosen this other family. 

I found it hard to accept that my son was gay, he told me that he had had other boyfriends before this one.  He once shouted at me when he lived at home...You do not know me or anything about me!!!!  that really hurt.

He has supposedly grown up but he was acting so immature with his other family.  The other mother was treating him like her son. I felt invisible. I wanted to shout at them, he is MY son not yours!!  I have to bite my tongue as I do not want to lose my son.  He saw me to the station and I hugged him and cried and told him I loved him. He did not tell me he loved me too.

Sue C · Accepted Answer

I have 3 adult children I love ALL of them unconditionally.  Every one of them is different in their own ways.  My oldest adult Daughter has been married for 15 yrs.  A Physc. RN for 30 yrs. & she & her husband have done well for themselves with no children but 2 little dogs who they call their "boys"!!!  My next adult Son is 16 mons. younger than my 1st.  Has been with his now wife for 36 yrs., married for 12 yrs.  Had 2 Daughters, we lost our beautiful 14 yr. old girl a few yrs. ago in a car accident. only 6 doors from their home.  Her 3 yr. older sister was driving!  I, as a Mother, about lost my own mind.  To hurt so badly from my own loss, but to look at my Son, D-I-L who's like a Daughter to me, & her Sister & not to be able to take away their pain did me in.  I sat in my Drs. office & sobbed.  He put me on an anti depressant which thank God has helped.  My oldest Grand Daughter must live with this!  We now at least can smile with memories of the funny things she use to do & say.  Her hero on her My Space was Jesus. We KNOW she's with her hero, we KNOW we WILL see her again & be "together forever" as God has promised us.   I remarried & my youngest Adult Son (8 yrs. younger) dated a couple girls in high school.  Never anything serious, just dates.  His very best friend is a female & like a sister to him, they traveled all over the U.S. together yrs. ago.  We noticed in his early 30s he started to go away wk. ends to a camp a state away.  Also was going to private clubs in a nearby large city.  He never drinks or did a single drug in his life.  In his mid 30s we found out he is gay.  Everyone of us accepted it.  He had a couple semi serious Partners, then met "the one".  They lived together for about a yr. & a yr. ago entered a "Union" together.  I choose to call a marriage between husband & wife, a union between same sex couples.  His Partner is just SUPER.  Is the Pres. of 4 lg. clinics in the nearby lg. city.  Their home is out of "Better Homes & Gardens"!!!  They have friends of every walk of life possible.  We all are Christians, I KNOW being gay is NOT by choice, but rather a gene they were born with.  This IS the way God made them.  They get along fabulously & instead of "fighting" over things, they instead "compromise".  I am sooo sorry your son "chose" to do things the way he did them.  I do not feel another mother should have gotten involved with your son's life as she did.  Unfortunately he is not living under the best conditions which I KNOW is what is so VERY HURTING to you.  It was just NOT done correctly & above board.  I HOPE my story in a way is of HELP to you & maybe gave you a glimpse of understanding a bit better.  I just trust for BOTH your sakes he'll grow up, realize what he's doing is not doing things the correct way.  He'll come to his senses when he gets a bit older & chooses to "better" himself & will meet someone who has a higher standard of life.  Treat him as you always have, give him the same love as you always have & let him know you support him & if or when he's ready to come back home, he's accepted as he always has been.  I wish you ALL well, I can so understand your feelings...I trust & HOPE for a better 2012 for you ALL...:)

? · Answer

My Son Broke My Heart

Anonymous · Answer

Maybe he didn't want to become a musician...maybe you just wanted him too... There's a difference to those 2 statements. I would be a thankful father, and respect what he wants to do with his life. He could've been completely different and was living in your house at 28 years old. Your son did the right thing and did what he wanted to do. Maybe you wanted him to become a musician bc you weren't able to...and you wanted him to have your dream, but that's not how the world works. If a parent doesn't accomplish him/her dream, you can't pass it on to your child...unless they really seem to enjoy it.. (a great musician or an awesome singer) Hope I helped!

??? · Answer

You know what I would do? Write the boyfriend's family a thank you card expressing gratitude for having you over, tell them what a nice home they have, and welcome them to come visit you for the holidays next year. Tell your son your proud of him for having a job, and that you like his partner very much. Let him know that you're happy he's happy.

And that's it. 

Don't do any backhanded compliments or congratulations, like "I'm so glad you have a great relationship with his mother, unlike you do with me," etc. Just wish him well.

It sounds like he had a difficult time with things during his teen years. That doesn't have to ruin the rest of your relationship. Just realize he's still young and headstrong. As he gets older, he'll see life for what it really is. Make sure he sees the best of you to remember.

Good luck.

? · Answer

I really think that, that is ****** up of your son. I would have also been shocked if I found out my son was...gay. I'm sorry for all this happening to you but im afraid I can't really help

Lucy Mann · Answer

How are you alive if he broke your heart?

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My son has broken my heart...?

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