The best joke you can think of?

Two explorers are lost in the deepest, darkest jungle when they are captured by a tribe of cannibals.

They are taken to the chief who says he will let them live if they go off back into the jungle ( with guards) and come back with 100 of any fruit they can find. So off they went. 1/2 an hour later the 1st explorer came back with 100 grapes. 'Here you are 'o' great chief' he said, 'now may i go free'.

'No' say's the chief. 'First you must stick each grape,one by one up your bum without laughing. If you laugh at any point then you will die'. So the poor explorer started popping each grape up his bum.

95, 96, 97, 98, 99 and then all of a sudden he starts to laugh out loud with tears in his eyes.

' Why are you laughing' asks the chief 'now you must die'.

' I'm sorry ' say's the explorer 'but my mates just come back with 100 coconuts'.

My friends that still work ask me frequently what I do every day, now that I'm retired. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and entered a shop; I wasn't there for even five minutes.

When I exited, a cop was filling out a ticket for double-parking. I quickly approached him and said, "Wow, officer! I didn't spend more than five minutes in the store! God would reward you if you made a kind gesture toward an old, retired man, such as myself." He completely ignored me and continued filling out the ticket.

The truth is, I went a little overboard, so I apologized. The cop looked at me coldly and started to fill out a second ticket, saying that besides being double-parked, my license plate was crooked. I then raised my voice and called him every name in the book. He finished the second ticket and placed it under the windshield wiper.

I didn't desist, and continued to insult him with all I had. To every insult, he smiled vengefully and filled out yet another ticket. After the fifteenth infraction, I told him, "I'm afraid I must leave you, officer - my bus has arrived!"

God giving women the monthly curse.

That's the oldest joke I can think of and it never stops being funny.

Two dumb guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking its balls. The first dumb guy says "Boy, I wish I could do that", and the second dumb guy says "Maybe you should try petting him first".

A guy goes to a doctor and says "Doctor, I've got a terrible pain in the neck", and the doctor says "I know what you mean. I'm married, too".

A guy goes on vacation and calls home after the first day to see how everything is. His brother answers the phone and says "Well, your cat died". The distraught guy replies "What?? That's not how you tell someone bad news, you don't just blurt it out. You should work up to it. You should have said something like 'The cat's on the roof', then the next time I called you could say 'We got the cat off the roof but it jumped out of our arms and got hit by a car, so wee took it to the vet'. Then when I called again you could say 'Well, the vet did all he could for the cat, he spent hours fixing up the cat, but the cat didn't make it. I'm sorry to say the cat died'. That's the way you tell someone bad news."

The brother apologizes for just blurting out the news of the dead cat and the guy says "Fine. Just don't tell me bad news that way again. So, how's mom".

"She's up on the roof" says the brother.

There were two married carrots who did everything together. They played tennis together, did the dishes together, watched TV together, etc. One day they were in the car together when they got hit by another car while going through an intersection. The wife carrot was fine, she only had some minor cuts and bruises, but the husband carrot was really bad off and was immediately taken to surgery. He was in there for hours while the wife carrot waited in the waiting room anxiously, pacing back and forth and wringing her little carrots hands together. Finally, a doctor came out and she ran up to he saying "How is he? How is he?" The doctor looked down at her and said, "Well, you know we were in there a long time working on him. We did everything we could and we think he is going to be alright physically, but I'm afraid he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life'.

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the

85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Little Man

Little Man who?

Little man can't reach the doorbell

steven hawkings upon retuning from his first date in 10 years, came home with a broken ankle sprained wrist and multiple cuts and bruises. apparently his date stood him up

Q - Why are there fences and walls around graveyards?

A - Because people are dying to get in there!

definition of a snail?

a boggy in a helmet

ummm a man walked into a bar and said ow (: sry, not very good

So it's kind of stupid but...

Knock knock?

Who's there?

Little old lady

Little old lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel! :-D